Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust

I don't hide it: I enjoy celebrity gossip. I'm not going to apologize for that. I also won't deny that I typically like thin, tan versions of people (especially myself). I find that appealing, for the most part. It takes a big/superficial/non-bandwagoning liberal person to admit that.

I'm even pretty okay with some plastic surgery (if that floats your boat). Yes, too many celebrities probably sell their souls to the devil to retain their youth and to improve their, um, assets, but the natural order of Hollywood actually does a viable job of weeding out the freak shows from the legits so that most useless socialites have their moment, then die out soon after. Welp, I guess after seeing 23-year-old Stephanie Pratt (of The Hills fame), I realized that some of these young and impressionable scene players need a little guidance in their pursuit of sustainable fame. Here's little Pratt with her normal face on:
Healthy glow, white teeth, real smile, etc. Nothing broke, so nothing to fix, right? WRONG. Behold the "new, improved" CRAZY-FACED STEPHANIE PRATT:
OH. HONEY. NO.
Why do you suddenly look a decade older? Have you secretly been smoking for 15 years? That means you started when you were 8! Why is your neck so gristly? Why does it look like you maybe can't move your lips? AREN'T THOSE FAKE EYELASHES HEAVY??

I can forgive the nose job, because I sympathize with nose-loathing. I can even forgive some moderation of her weight loss. BUT THE REST? COME ON.

Stephanie. Girl. If you want to turn out okay, do these things TONIGHT:
1. Go home.
2. Throw out any earrings you have that are bigger than the palm of your hand.
3. Ice your lips.
4. Get a hot oil treatment.
5. Watch some Oprah, Tyra, and Ricki Lake reruns about body image.
6. Eat a bag of Ruffles.
7. Eat another bag.
8. MOVE OUT OF LA

And, as a general rule, stop taking calls from anyone other than your mother for at least a month. It will cleanse your soul.

5 comments:

  1. LOVE this post! She looks horrible. I can't believe some doctor let her out looking like that....or even performed said multiple surgeries when she looked fine to begin with. As if we need another Heidi Pratt on this planet.

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  2. I love you Julia! You are too funny. I agree with your post, some of these Hollywood ladies need some serious help! I love your blog background too, I would steal it, but that would be...stealing?

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  3. I like your logic. But still, just steal it. It will strengthen our bond!

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  4. Oh my gosh, seriously. Those earrings, those lips, those eyelashes... ridicolos.

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  5. I think she might be allergic to citrus too!

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