Monday, October 26, 2009

But...Come On

Angie Harmon, I love you. You are so pretty with your dimples and your teeth. And you were so great on Law & Order, throwing those perps in jail as the assistant district attorney who ONLY WANTED JUSTICE TO BE SERVED BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE RED WHITE AND BLUE ORDER IN THE COURT. And you have such a fabulous, throaty voice. Just ask Kirstie Alley, that really counts for something.

So, well, why are you wearing this?



Are you mad at us...as a general viewing public? I get that you're punishing us, but why? It's not our fault that you jumped L&O ship and married an athlete (I KNOW with all of the travel it's hard). Or that you were stuck for three seasons in sensible pant suits that were probably made out of uncomfortable wool or polyester-blends.

Are you hiding a quiver of arrows beneath ye olde tunic?Did you borrow those shoes from the set of ANY Kate Beckinsale movie (which, by the way...I feel like all of her movies take place only during night hours)? Really, I just want answers. You are a rational woman. Come back to us, Angie, come back as a feisty and well-dressed woman. DO IT FOR AMERICA.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Lost Source of Entertainment

I've worked at a few places in my life (most people can say this). I've liked all of them (most people can't say this, I think). My last place of employment, we'll call it...Shower Renovations...my desk was mostly around girls. I really didn't mind the job; my boss was great, the pay was decent, and the work was interesting. However, in the course of that job, I had to interact with two coworkers whom most people would refer to as sad and crazy.
Now, not to pull the redneck card, but I'm from TENNESSEE, so I know a backwards girl when I see one (sixth sense). And, well, Shower Renovations had two. BETTER YET, they fit the typical profile of the frenemy relationship. We'll call them Brenna and Mandy. Come, discover.
Exhibit A: "Brenna"
This is the self-proclaimed alpha female. Bleached hair and a, well, husky build are her driving force. A high-pitched voice and little-to-no intellect complete this character. The typical topic of conversation for a Brenna is some sort of complaint. Anything from the weather to car trouble to imaginary boyfriends, pessimism is the key.
It is important to remember, however, that this female cannot operate independently. She is much like a virus, in need of a host. Or maybe it's the other way around? Eh, whatever. Moving...on.
Exhibit B: "Mandy"
Ah, the Brain to her frenemy's Pinky. Smaller, mousier, more alert, "Mandy" is behind the wheel. Careful to toddle behind the Brenna, so as not to get trampled (literally), Mandy places the manipulative remark when she needs Brenna to unwittingly do her bidding. She needs the attitude and manpower to further her own ambitions.

The dynamics of coworker frenemies is even more interesting to consider because their employment ties sweeten the pot (sour for them) when they are on the outs. THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB.
Sadly, now I work at a better-paying, nicer, more relaxing job where people act...well...mature. Where can I get my crazy fix? For now, I'm forced to try to read about drama between people on the internet that I don't know.
I NEED MY CRAZY FIX.
I! NEED! MY! CRAZY! FIX!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Brother and his Brotherly Love

My husband. I have one. He’s…multi-faceted. You know this, because I always talk about it (sorry about that). He can jump high, fold clothes, roof, beat every song on expert on the drums on Rock Band, speak that weird version of Spanish. You get the point. He, apparently, is also a virtuoso at MS Paint. I've talked about Paint before. I'm pretty sure Microsoft is running the same version of Paint on today's Vista as it did when I was 6 years old. THROWBACK.

ANYWAY "What does Sloan create in MS Paint?" you may ask, "Because, Julia, you're writing a blog post about it, so this better be going somewhere." Does he create airbrushed portraits? Captivating landscapes? Nay, I tell you, his is more of a...commentary...on...sibling relationships.

Mikyn, Sloan's sister who is younger and prettier than he is (which may be the source of his contempt) looks like this in what we call The World of Normal:

A camera's depiction.

Sloan, utilizing the best of his abilities (the best!!), makes his contribution to The World of Kinda Crazy But Mostly Annoying, featuring Mikyn on the left and himself in their family's living room:

At this point in his Paint career, I don't think Sloan knew about the whole text box thing.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Teamwork

I don't really know why I titled this post teamwork, because it's more like Sloanwork. I'm married to a domestic Macgyver type who seems to thrive on husband-duty-improvisation. This OF COURSE leads to some rather offbeat, but undeniably effective methods. Let us explore this:

SITUATION: You only have one cell phone as a couple (caveman, I know) and no alarm clock. You get up and leave an hour earlier than your (angelic-when-she's-sleeping) wife does, and you have to take the phone with you for work. LORD KNOWS your wife is not about to get up any earlier than she has to just to putt around to make sure she doesn't sleep in. But she don't have an alarm!!
SLOANSOLUTION: Right before leaving, place your sleeping/heavy/complaining wife (and the 4382 pound comforter she's wrapped in) on the living room couch. Set the kitchen's oven timer to go off in exactly one hour. BAM. Consider your situation Macgyverized. NEXT.

SITUATION: Your wife comes home late from work. She's rather tired and you don't really have the money to buy groceries for now. In the refrigerator, you have the following components with which to work:
grapes
butter
spaghetti sauce
half-empty Slim Fast cans (dude, they last...don't hate)
macaroni noodles
lettuce
ricotta cheese
mustard with horseradish
cheddar cheese
sour cream
a tortilla
What the !$#%@& kind of meal can you concoct out of these motley ingredients?
SLOANSOLUTION: One word: Cheddarmarinararicottamacaronicasserole. OH and one more word: Macgyverized.

SITUATION: THE HOUSE ON FIRE!!! STOP BLOGGING YOU IDIOT WE ARE BURNING!
SLOANSOLUTION: Put it out. WITH YOUR MIND. Macgyverized.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Children: Tiny Treasures

We got more wedding photos today from our photographer on Bainbridge. Everyone looks beautiful and happy, blah, blah LET'S GET TO THE FUNNY STUFF. Here's the handsome Moore clan:
But, honestly, here's the best part of the picture. We (as people) may have actually captured the very moment in young Avery's life when she decided to live the gangster life:
Next, we have a lovely photo of Regen, Matt, and Kenley Knoebel down by the pond:
Kenley, however, obviously didn't have time for pictures...she was too busy thinking about my precious...
KIDS. CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM. AM I RIGHT?!?!???

Eh, well...at least this little dude got things right...
Probably thinkin bout Jesus.