Monday, November 23, 2009

Back. Lash.

I write this blog with the intent of entertaining. I do this for two reasons:
1. We don't really have a camera, so I can't rely on photos to do the work for me.
2. Blogs that are poorly written are typically poorly written because the posts aren't...that...well, entertaining.
Sure, I do things that other people do (and post on their blog) like going to birthday parties and climbing mountains or whatever. But, honestly, it's just not that riveting to give a play-by-play of my latest trip to the grocery store or the terrible woman driver I encountered that day. I can't put any cool spin on that. I mean...I could put a cool spin on it if the lady driver looked like Dick Butkus or something like that. But that's a rather atypical occurrence. ANYWAY Billy Collins had it right when he said something like, "Why write about myself when I could write about someone much more interesting?" And that is why I have a spouse.
My chronicles of Sloan have earned him more attention than he is used to. And I suppose the fame is breaking him, because he's beginning to...act out...in regards to the blog. He doesn't like that lingering idea that I may put whatever he is currently saying/doing out there for those on the interwebs to discover (weird, I know). I, however, feel no need to respect his privacy. This has led to a battle of wills, of sorts, and Sloan has resorted to some dirty antics. His new favorite taunt is "Put THAT on the blog!!" after committing said antics. Allow me to illustrate the instances in which he uses this line:

Knocks a given item out of my hand on purpose and stands over me as I pick it up: "Yeah! Put THAT on the blog!! HAHAHA!"

Stands in front of me while I'm working on my laptop and does a totally weird shuffle/Backstreet Boys/tap dance whilst snapping and soulfully clapping his hands to get my attention. "Yeeeeah, you like that? Put THAT on the blog!!!"

Beats me at any game/competition/argument: "Ha!! I win!! Put THAT on the blog!"

Sits in the bathtub eating a string of five OtterPops while watching old episodes of Arrested Development on his laptop that is placed on the bathroom counter. "Julia. It's called 'indulgence'. Put THAT on the blog." Returns to watching show/eating popsicle/bathing.

All is fair in love and war.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Newlyweds: Part 3: Host & Hostess

Sloan and I sitting in church. I'm writing in my notebook. Sloan leans over and whispers:
Sloan: What are you wri -- oh no.
Julia: What? I'm just planning our CHRISTMAS PARTY!!
Sloan: Is that a menu or just a list of everything they sell at the grocery store?
Julia: Funny.
Sloan: That's a hefty guest list. We can only fit, like, six people in our apartment at once.
Julia: Officially ignoring you.
Sloan: Why do I see the words 'pajama' and 'party'??
Julia: La la la la what? I'm sorry, are you talking?
Sloan: You know that no one over eleven owns christmas pajamas.
Julia: That's a lie!! You're a liar!!
Sloan: Okay, okay. Calm. Listen, I'm okay with us having a Christmas party...but we have to include a few things...
Julia: Like?
Sloan: Apple cider.
Julia: Done.
Sloan: And a hayride.
Julia: Oh dear.
Sloan: And last but not least, an appearance by the Ninja Turtles.
Julia: (closes notebook)

I Told You So: A Daily Utterance

On Saturday, Sloan and I found a washer/dryer set on Craigslist. The price was right, so we decided to go to the owner's house to check them out live in living color. OH AND GUESS WHAT: we kinda bickered. And everyone knows that "we kinda bickered" actually means "Julia tried to pick a fight." Participate in the magic:
Julia: (on the way to the car) If we decide to buy them do we need to find a truck to borrow?
Sloan:
Don't think so. I can get them in the Jeep.
Julia:
What? No way, baby. These are major appliances.
Sloan:
They'll fit.
Julia:
Glancing into the rear windows of the car. No way. I've never heard of someone hauling a washer or dryer in a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
Sloan:
You mean a washer and dryer. Both. At the same time. I'll put the back seats down.
Julia: OH and putting the seats down will open up some sort of vacuous portal through which we can fit an infinite number of washers and dryers? We just need a truck.
Sloan:
Get in. We don't need a truck.
Julia: Even if they DID both fit, it'd be a matter of inches. Your spatial reasoning cannot be that good.
Sloan: We'll see. Get in.
Later...at the seller's home
Sloan:
They look good. We'll take them.
Dude Selling the Washer/Dryer:
Cool. When do you want to come back to haul them?
Sloan: We can take them now in my Jeep.
DSTW/D:
Your...Jeep? Will they fit?
Julia:
THAT'S WHAT I SAID
Ten minutes later, after hauling them down a flight of stairs and out to the Jeep, and turning the washer/dryer in all sorts of directions:
Sloan: (huffing and puffing) There.
Julia: (jaw dropped) Wow. They...really fit.
DSTW/D: (jaw dropped) Wow. They...really fit.
Sloan: (already in the car) Let's go! It's cold!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Newlyweds: Act II: The Battle of the Bulge

Julia: Baby!! I'm gaining weight!!!!!
Sloan: Good.
Julia: Good? Bad!
Sloan: Bad?
Julia: Bad!! I think I'm gaining it in my belly. Can you tell? (turns sideways)
Sloan: Uh, no. I cannot tell.
Julia: Of COURSE you can't tell. I don't think you'd notice or care if I gained twenty pounds overnight!!!
Sloan: Oh, come on, that's not true. I would probably notice. But, well yeah, I wouldn't care.
Julia: Arg!!
Sloan: Why do you even care? I'd like it if you were thick and juicy.
Julia: What? Have you been watching BET?
Sloan: (walks away)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Newlyweds: Act 1: A Husband's Burden

(Sloan comes home after a day at school)
Sloan: Baby! Where are you?
Julia: I'm in here.
Sloan: Why are you in bed? It's 5:30 in the afternoon.
Julia: I'm just, I dunno. I'm just sitting here.
Sloan: And...your hair is wet?
Julia: I took a bath. I ate a Snickers in the bathtub.
Sloan: Oh. That's...good.
Silence.
Sloan: So, what are you doing?
Julia: Just thinking about how ugly I am and how I suck at wife things like decorating and cooking. I never even wear an apron.
Sloan: Ahhhh. Here we go. Climbs into bed, sighing.
Julia: And I'm not even passionate enough to be one of those women who willfully sucks at wife duties because they think it's liberating and/or quirky, I'm just not that good at it. OH and I feel fat. I mean, I ate a Snickers in the bathtub!!! That's something Anna Nicole Smith would do! And people on the internet have such cool looking houses but I can't get ours to look like that and OW STOP CUDDLING WITH ME YOUR STUBBLE IS SCRATCHY!!
Sloan: Okay, okay sorry. It sounds like you've had a rough day...are you hungry?
Julia: No. I ate a chili dog. I'm disgusting. A CHILI DOG. SERIOUSLY?
Sloan: Baby. Chili dogs are good! And you're just so pretty and I just think you're great at everything. I...just love you.
Julia: Even when I don't do the wife thing right but you always do the husband thing right?
Sloan: I feel like this is a trap.
Julia: ARG IT WAS HOW DID YOU KNOW?!
Sloan: I think maybe you think you're sneakier than you really are. Just so you know.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Genetics as It Applies to the Rehders

This morning's conversation between Sloan and me as I got ready for work:

Sloan: Do you want our daughters to be pretty?
Julia: No. Hell no.
Sloan: Why not?
Julia: Why would I want them to be pretty? I would imagine nothing but misery comes from having a beautiful daughter.
Sloan: You just want to be prettier than them. That's why you hope our girls are ugly.
Julia: Not true. That's weird.
Sloan: Yes it is true. You want to be that mom who is prettier than her kids.
Julia: Well I don't want to look nasty and decrepit compared to my kids, but that's not the main reason why I want ugly daughters. I want their force field of ugliness to keep them safe from predators like frat boys, meatheads, and sexually experimental girls. And Brett Michaels. AND TILA TEQUILA. And Mardi Gras.
Sloan: That's stupid.
Julia: Most people feel the same way that I do, which means that you've got a lot to learn.
Sloan: What?! Most people don't want ugly kids! Just because you're saying crazy things in a not-crazy-way doesn't mean you're not saying crazy stuff!
Julia: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS.