Thursday, December 31, 2009

You. Aren't. Listening.

The Scene: I'm in the bedroom, doing work on my computer. Sloan stands in the doorway.
Sloan: I'm going to Costco.
Julia: not looking up Okay.
Sloan: To buy butter.
Julia: Uh huh.
Sloan: And then I'm going to Sportsman's Warehouse.
Julia: Okay.
Sloan: For a gun cleaning kit and ammo for my old pistol.
Julia: Uh huh.
Sloan: Even though you hate guns and are morally opposed too them.
Julia: Okay.
Sloan: Then I'm going to go to GameStop to buy more violent video games.
Julia: Yep.
Sloan: I'm wearing basketball shorts. And a beanie. And wool boy scout socks. With sandals.
Julia: K, baby.
Sloan: And I'm going to leave the front door wide open.
Julia: Alright. Love you.
Sloan: Love you.
Sloan leaves. Five minutes later.
Julia: Wait...what?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sloaneroni

My friend Stace posted a blog entry a while back about her husband. She listed 100(!) things about him, and since I don't know Jared well, I read all of them intently. She spoke about him so tenderly, and she listed really interesting things.
I usually don't write really adorable/mushy things on my blog because EVERYONE does that (and duh I am unique). But, lately, in my pursuit of appearing super cool and over it, I've unintentionally started re-programming my brain. Now (more than ever) my first instinct is to generate a biting response to anything I hear or read. And while it usually ends up being totally the most awesome comment FTW, it's made me more pessimistic and, not to mention, much more self-conscious.
For example, I tend to get all worked up about people who brag on Facebook or who are too mushy about their loved ones. To me, it hints at a narcissism that has been purveyed by cyber communication. But when I think about it on a more basic level, it makes less sense: Why should I feel such disdain for people expressing their excitement or happiness? So what if they write/talk about something boring or not applicable to me, does that make them narcissistic? Sadly, the very nature of that question means that I'm the more narcissistic one. Zoinks!
I'm going to make a list of 40 things about Sloan (baby steps) AND I'M GONNA BE NICE and only minimally sarcastic. We are very sweet to each other when alone, but this is an exercise in humility for my internet side. And, if that doesn't really work out, it could also be another great way to start an argument with him (I always open the door when opportunity knocks).
40 Things about the Great Sloan Rehder
1. He is manly. Did you know that?
2. Sloan has been a ski instructor at Sundance for the past 2 seasons.
3. He really likes chemistry, and is really good at it.
4. His toes are freakishly long. His second toe is as long as my ring finger. Gross, yes. But he has amazing balance.
5. Sloan loves steak. LIKE I SAID, MANLY.
6. He likes anime like Full Metal Alchemist.
7. Sloan makes our bed almost every day.
8. If I break something, he can always fix it.
9. He's tall enough to change all of our light bulbs without even getting on his tip toes.
10. I tend to have bad dreams, and they make me toss and turn. Sloan will wake me up in the middle of the night to calm me down and scratch my back until I fall asleep again.
11. He was a quarterback in high school.
12. Sloan is a fearless snow driver and takes his rear-wheel drive Jeep up the canyon to Sundance like I would imagine a senile, lead-footed grandma would. Never a wreck, though.
13. He is not a whiner. Like, ever.
14. Sloan is incredibly coordinated. He learns any physical task quickly.
15. Because his arms are so long, Sloan always somehow looks like he's moving in slow motion when playing sports, but he ends up the fastest.
16. He loves baths as much as I do. We fight over the tub sometimes.
17. Sloan is incredibly considerate (which I think he learned from his parents), but is quiet about it because he hates the attention.
18. He loves pork and beans. And bacon. And cheese. And bread. All together.
19. Sloan hardly ever tells anyone that he's fluent in Spanish from his mission in Uruguay. This means that he hears a lot of things he maybe shouldn't.
20. He is allergic to citrus. And penicillin.
21. He is a grilling master. DUH MANLY.
22. Sloan looks exactly like his two older brothers. Sometimes it's problematic.
23. He loves Lady Gaga. Bahahahahaha.
24. He likes to abbreviate things just to annoy me when I can't figure out what he's saying. His most recent was "GOI, baby." (Get over it)
25. Sloan is immensely stranger than anyone knows, because he only does truly bizarre things when we're alone.
26. He is really good with kids and doesn't even hold babies awkwardly.
27. Sloan is super easy to live with. He's not messy, but doesn't mind if I make a mess.
28. His previous jobs include: trash man (in high school...which he liked), sold newspapers on the ferry to Seattle, Jiffy Lube guy, sold firewood, carpet cleaner, christmas light putter-upper, odds jobs for his dad's construction company.
29. He loves to golf and taught me.
30. Sloan can play pretty much every song on expert on Rock Band for the drums and guitar. Not the singing, though.
31. He loves 30 Rock.
32. Our trivia and crossword skills are equally-matched, making us terribly competitive.
33. He was born in Palmer, Alaska and lived in Wasilla until he was 7.
34. Sloan is a fabulous rock climber.
35. He always uses an alternate name for their family pets. He called their dog, whose name was Dude, Rocky; and their cat Artie was referred to as Toby by Sloan. This doesn't seem to phase his family, who know exactly who he is talking about.
36. Sloan plays the guitar, and he makes up really weird songs just to freak me out.
37. When Sloan was born, his older brother Darth wanted desperately to name him Toothpick Noonick. No one really knows why, not even Darth.
38. Every time we get in his car, Pink Floyd is playing.
39. Sloan was a typical boy growing up. All of the school assignments his mother kept were about WWF wrestling, meeting Jerry Rice, playing in the NBA, and blowing things up.
4o. In middle school, Sloan came up with a workout program for an assignment and he titled it "Sloan Rehder's Guide to Becoming a Beauty and a Beast in 28 Days."

Monday, December 28, 2009

Conundrum


Julia: Ooooh, I love babies! Let's have one!!
Sloan: No, honey. No babies yet.
Julia: Okay. (pause) How about NOW?
Sloan: Stop it with the baby talk.
Julia: But I just liiiiiike babies. They're so fun and nice.
Sloan: They aren't always like that.
Julia: It sounds like you hate babies.
Sloan: I don't hate babies. You're just not ready for one.
Julia: What?? I was born for babies!
Sloan: Anyone who watches Jersey Shore voluntarily is not ready for a baby, Julia.
Julia: Come on, I'm not with the guidos, I'm against them!
Sloan: If you stop watching MTV reality shows, we'll talk about babies.
Julia: (silence...also known as the sound of inner turmoil)

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas on Bainbridge

Merry Christmas from the (NOT RAINING) Puget Sound! Here are some highlights of our trip so far (the photos enlarge, mom and dad, just click on them):
Babies!!!!

I got my hands on all three Rehder baby girls: Vance's Noa, Regen's Kenley, and Darth and Missy's Lily (who came JUST IN TIME for us to hold her and hold her and hold her).

Gingerbread Houses

Sloan's is on the left. He attempted to build the tallest structure, but Darth took on that challenge and emerged victorious. Mine is on the right; it's a tribute to Ed, the manliest father-in-law a girl could have.

FoodFoodFood

We made lots of baked goods and ate lots of seafood. So...the picture of Pam on the right might be from a baby shower weeks ago but BIG DEAL RIGHT? I needed a third picture to please the alignment gods of Blogger's interface.

Kenley's Weird Smiling Technique for Photos

Why is Kenley squeezing her eyes shut and stretching her lips to dangerously wide lengths? It's because you just told her to smile for a picture! Duh.

Monday, December 14, 2009

More Christmas Songs According to Sloan

The ipod in Sloan's car has been set to Christmas music, so we always listen to it as we're driving. He sings along. And changes the words. To weird words. Here's a helpful scene to better imagine the weirdness...
In the car, Sloan singing to the tune of White Christmas:

Sloan: I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know.
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
for once in their miserable little lives...

Julia: BABY. That's terrible!
Sloan: Laughing uncontrollably
Julia: Switches song
To the tune of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting...): Sloan: They know that Santa's on his way; He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh. And every mother's child is on the prowl...
Julia:
YOU ARE A FREAK!! pounding on the car window GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Sloan: Laughing. Uncontrollably.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Mind Games

When Sloan and I first got our PS3 a couple of weeks ago, we also looked at some games at Best Buy...
Julia: Ooh! They have a Trivial Pursuit video game?!!
Sloan: I'm not getting that.
Julia: Why not? I wanna play it!
Sloan: I'm not buying that. It would be embarrassing. Buying Trivial Pursuit for a Play Station? No.
Well, last night, Sloan finally let me get it (he was in a generous mood). We went home and played. Sloan won the first game. That made me angry.
Julia: throws down remote SCREW THIS! THEY JUST SHOWED YOU A PICTURE OF A GUITAR AND ASKED WHAT INSTRUMENT IT WAS! TRIVIAL PURSUIT SUCKS...two outta three?
One hour later...I won.
Sloan: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? THAT WAS ALL LUCK. THREE OUT OF FIVE.
Two hours later...
Julia: after Sloan answered a question incorrectly Ha! You don't even know where Germany is!!
Sloan: Well SORRY they didn't have any border lines on a map of the entire European continent!! Besides, the correct answer was on the North Sea!
Julia: Germany IS on the North Sea!
Sloan: Well, you didn't even know what an alkaliphile was, but I didn't make fun of you for that!!
Julia: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT IS.
Sloan: Smart people do!
Julia: glaring BEST OUT OF SEVEN!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Even Christians Can Believe in Karma!

WARNING: I don't anticipate anyone else caring about this post but myself (Julia).
I wrote a post a few weeks ago. About two previous coworkers I consider to be some of the...well...worst people I know. I almost took the post down, because I figured it wasn't that entertaining to my readership since only a few people who read this blog are as well-versed in the villainy of those girls as I am. Also, I figured it didn't really change anything about those people, even if they DID happen to read my blog.
In my life, I've been apprehensive to talk crap about other people, because, honestly, speaking ill of someone usually isn't that justifiable. I mean, just wait it out for a day, and typically, you're pretty happy you kept your mouth shut. I also hate not being liked. I HATE IT. However, I have a hatred more powerful than those two things: small-time girls thinking they can do whatever they want to nice people. So...big whoop, I posted a blog entry and never heard anything else about it. I figured it had fallen on deaf ears, and I forgot about it.
That's why I was delighted to hear today (through the grapevine) that my previous post has actually shaken those two offenders to their core. So much so, that new policies have been implemented by dad/management regarding the freedom of speech in their work environment. This means they cared about what I wrote. Sure, they did not like it, but they CARED enough to pull that post up for upper management to see.
The point of this update is primarily for me to tell you, cyber world, that you CAN make a difference! Are you a rational and sensitive person with serious beef? But you can't maturely express yourself through the proper channels because said beef is with the daughter of the CEO who is notorious for firing employees who talk to HR about his daughter? Then, by diggity, go for the jugular. On the internet. Without naming names. Because, if they are truly flappable, even THAT will get to them, conveniently for you.
It may take losing a fewbattles to win the war, but quite honestly, at the end of it all, it is worth it.
Thank you and good night.

Mommy and Daddy are Maaaaad

Sloan: singing 'I'm Getting Nuttin for Christmas' as he makes the bed...
I put a tack on teacher's chair,
somebody pissed on meeeee.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
somebody pissed on meeeee.
Julia: Um. Sloan. That is not how it goes.
Sloan: What?
Julia: You're singing it wrong. And the part that you're singing wrong is really freaking me out.
Sloan: Julia, what? You don't even know that song.
Julia: Yeah. I do. We sang it in elementary school. It sounds like you're singing the R. Kelly version. It's snitched, not pissed.
Sloan: blushing Hahahahaha! I already knew that. I meant to say it wrong.
Julia: I'm putting this on the blog unless you admit that you DIDN'T mean to do that.
Sloan: No you won't. This isn't weird enough.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Slumber Party: Oxymoron, folks

Sleeping in the same bed is always an adjustment for a new couple. So WHAT if Sloan claims I have some sort of heat-emitting property which forces him to crank the fan and drink ice water whenever I get close to his side of the bed. BFD. So WHAT if he makes it so cold in our room that I get ill from exposure on a weekly basis? We deal. For Sloan, that means sleeping with a miniature, human-version of a bonfire. For me, it means claiming that I'm cold and getting no sympathy because I'm a miniature, human-version of a bonfire (AND BONFIRES DO NOT GET COLD).
What's been a more difficult adjustment? My trying to determine how awake Sloan is when he says crazy things. You see, he finds some value in unpredictability. And his delivery is so dry, it takes a higher level of skill to discern a sarcastic comment. But...I can usually do that. Not in the middle of the night, however. It's harder. WOULD YOU LIKE AN EXAMPLE??

The Scene: Our bed. It's the middle of the night. I sleepily sit up to readjust the blanket over my legs.
Sloan: He is asleep, facing away from me. In a slurred, soft voice. Baby? What are you doing?
Julia: I'm putting the blanket back on my feet.
Sloan: Unmoving. In a still slurred voice, but with an annoyed tone. Uh, great. Thanks for keeping me updated.
Julia: Awake now. What? You just asked.
Sloan: Asleep. No answer.

The battle between man and wife continues. Even in his sleep.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ready to Stir the Pot

I went to Macey's yesterday. It was delightfully and festively decorated there. Loved it. But, then again, I'm pretty easy to please whenever anything shiny is around.

At the check out in front of me:
Cashier: Thanks! And happy holidays!
Customer: Merry Christmas. It's Christmas, son, we're in America.

Well, apart from the geography lesson, I found this person's response rather useless. And disrespectful. Had he stopped at Merry Christmas, I could deal. But nooooooooo, he couldn't make his point subtly.
I'm not some sort of surf's-up-dude-just-live-your-life youngster who wants everyone to lower their voices and just hug their neighbor (mainly because I'm not allowed to smoke weed, sigh). It's not really even about getting along as a general principle. I'm not that laid-back.
It's about willful ignorance. People need to understand the basic laws and principles of America, quite honestly, before they pull out their red, white, and blue fightin' words. Read that reputed and much-cited 1st Amendment:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
This, essentially, should mean take it down a notch, Christmas crusaders. No one is lighting nativity scenes on fire and throwing Molotov cocktails at children's choirs singing "Silent Night," so consider yourselves the winners! The government doesn't favor one religion over another. And, more importantly, it ideally should not favor religion over non-religion.
Do not use a religiously-unaffiliated country (America) as your weapon of choice when telling others to stop wishing you a Happy Holiday. It doesn't hold up. The only thing you should say in response to someone's attempt at politically correct well-wishing (especially when it's probably mandated by their boss) is "Thank you."
Some of the things that people point to are God' name on the dollar bill and his mention in the Declaration of Independence, neither of which state an required allegiance to a higher deity. Have some respect, old dude. As an friend of mine once said, "That old man needs some rock n roll in his life."

And, from the Rehder family, Have a Happy Holiday!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Oy Vey

We got a Play Station 3 on Black Friday. Sloan was...excited. Join me on my journey:
The Scene: Julia is sitting in bed, working on her computer. Sloan has been playing Ratchet & Clank for [many] hours.
Sloan: Runs in and jumps on the bed. Baby! Hi! Hey! I beat the game! Hi!
Julia: Good work, honey!
Sloan: Now it's cuddle time!
Julia: Okay...wait. Eh. Baby. You...smell like a gamer.
Sloan:
Huh? I showered earlier today.
Julia:
Was it before you played your video game?
Sloan: Well, yes.
Julia: Your odor smacks of sitting for hours in a warm room, not moving--
Sloan: WAIT! Do you hear that? Tilts head toward living room. They're still talking! The game's not finished!! I better go check!!
Julia: Turns off lamp.