Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Christmas in Memphis: Mom Edition


Susie Moore is a saint. I challenge any reader of this blog to find a person who would not concur. No one in the Moore family even approaches the level of virtue this woman holds, especially not dad (that dude is the worst). However, with my mother's unconditional patience, compassion and innocence comes the inherent quality of, you know...just kind of...she's totally naive. This is a woman who sincerely thanks telemarketers for their calls and apologizes for not "being interested this offer." She actually learns life lessons from Dr. Phil and Oprah because she cares. And even to this day, she tries to get her adult children to sit in her lap for a cuddle when they don't feel good. Streetwise, she makes Princess Diana look like Tupac.

Luckily, my mother has a husband with an almost supernatural power of accurately determining the motives of those around him, and, subsequently, anticipating any emotional, financial, moral disaster being brought on by others. I say luckily now that I'm in my twenties, but this quality of my father's was profoundly irritating when I was teenager, having a dad who figured out I had a secret boyfriend by the color of my socks.

Whenever anyone tries to teach my mom about the things of the world, she gets the same bewildered, you-aren't-giving-these-nice-folks-the-benefit-of-the-doubt look on her face. Like the time we tried to explain that yes, movie executives are trying to be offensive.

Note: Remember, my mother is Southern, so adjust your internal-reading accent accordingly.
Julia: *says hilarious, family-friendly joke*
Mom: Oh, Julia! That sounds like something they'd say in that new movie "The Little Fockers"! That looks so cute, I wanna see it!
Whole Family: *silence*
Julia: Mom? You want to see that movie? It's probably going to be raunchy...
Mom: *scandalized* What? Why do you think that? There are kids in it!
Dad: The name Focker isn't just coincidentally close to a bad word, Susie.
Mom: *thinky face* Oh, you don't know that!! *deflated smile*
Whole Family: *laughing*
Sloan: *awkwardly loud* The man's name in the movie is Gaylord Focker! *scans the crowd for reactions*
Whole Family: *silence*
Julia: *pats Sloan on back reassuringly* Thanks for that, baby.

There are plenty of times when others have to intervene when mom volunteers to get trampled on by those willing and unwilling alike. This is a scene from this Christmas in Memphis, when I needed to go to the DMV to change the name on my license.

Julia: *walks into kitchen with Sloan*
Mom: You're already back! That was easy!
Julia: *sigh* No, we just left. There were, literally, probably 200 people waiting. The line to even get a number was wrapped around and out the door.
Mom: Oh no, baby! 
Julia: Yeah, it's not worth it. I'd have to wait 4-6 hours. 
Mom: Well, you know, I can just wait there for you! 
Julia: *bewildered* What? No.
Mom: Sure! I can bring a magazine, and really, I just like sitting quietly. It's one of my favorite things to do. 
Julia: *rubbing temples* Mother, I am offended that you would think I'd let you do that.
Mom: *gasp* Baby! I don't mind!You can go shopping with Sloan and I'll call you when my number gets close.
Julia: Absolutely not.
*three hours later*
Mom: *knocks on Julia's bedroom door* Heeey, so, I just could take these magazines and a sandwich in my purse, maybe a little blanket, and I'd be good to go at the DMV--
Julia: NO. 
Mom: *backs out of room*

My mother, who will not deny this, is also wary of technology. She has not checked her email since June. I see this as an extension of her sincere desire to do all the things in the world that need to get done to help other people feel happy and loved. Too overwhelming. This is a scene from last year, when she visited Sloan and me in Utah.

Julia: Do you have Aunt Miriam's cell phone number?
Mom: Oh, no, I don't think so. I had it in an email back home.
Julia: Perfect! We can just look it up then.
Mom: *furrowed brow* No, baby, it's at home.
Julia: But...*points at laptop*...we have a computer here.
Mom: Yes, that's true. *reassuring smile* It's very nice, too.
Julia: *tilts head sideways* Mom. Do you know how...the....internet works?
Mom: Oh, baby, no way! I just go to the computer room and open up the internet there!
Julia: You can get to your email from my computer, too. Here, I'll go to bellsouth.net *ticky ticky tap ticky tap* and now just enter your password.
Mom: *sideways glance*
Julia: ...and you probably have a saved password on the computer at home. *places arm around mom's shoulders* You don't know your password, do you?
Mom: *shakes head*

Mooooooooooooooooooooooms! They're great!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas in Memphis: Baby Edition

Greetings! We're in the land of Hardee's and Kroger, which also means we're in the land of BABIES! This year, our two stars are babies Josh and Carter, cousins that are a few months apart.

Baby Josh looks suspiciously like a precious moments doll, and could probably conjure up excitement out of antimatter itself, if it came down to it. Behold:



Then, there is baby Carter, a child with ice in his veins, cool as a cucumber. We can strap him into a high chair and he will calmly sit there for approximately 20 minutes. Without food. Just...sitting there. Due to his stoicism and utter unflappability, his nickname is Mr. President.

Monday, December 13, 2010

So Meaty!

Christmas means several things, such as  Christmas food is the best!




Sloan: Hey, I brought something home that your dad is gonna love.
Julia: What?
Sloan: *thunk* A summer sausage. The family I home teach gave it to me.


Julia: *pause* This thing is...big. Is this normal?


Sloan: I don't know if it's totally normal for a sausage to be three pounds, but it's not that big.
Julia: I mean, look at this thing! It's three times bigger than a can of soup!


Sloan: Hmm. Look at that.
Julia: It's taller than the microwave!!


Sloan: Well it's not like microwaves are especially tall. That's why I can't have warm syrup!
Julia: It's longer than my curling iron!!


Sloan: How did we end up in the bathroom?
Julia: It's bigger than my jewelry box!!


Sloan: ...and now we're in the bedroom. Did we walk in here?
Julia: IT CAN'T EVEN FIT IN MY NIGHTSTAND!


Sloan: Because I don't remember walking into the bedroom...
Julia: Your ski boots! It's just as tall!!


Sloan: Is this closet even in our apartment! Are we in Seattle?
Julia: It's as tall as our wreath! POM PONS! POM PONS!


Get ready, Moore family, because we're packing this thing into our luggage for an extra special Moore Family Christmas!!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

My Version of Hell

Sloan: Are you guys READY for our roadtrip to Seattle????
Julia, Mikyn, Emily: YEAH! *cheers*


*two hours later*


Sloan: Shew! This snow is making things...difficult...
Mikyn: *asleep*
Emily: *asleep*
Julia: Is the car sliding? It feels like it's sliding!!!!*rendered paralyzed with fear*


Sloan: Son of a--seriously? Idaho? You're closing the road here? I just drove through the storm!
Mikyn: *groggily* Ugh, why are we stopped?
Sloan: They closed the highway. The weather is already clearing up!! And it doesn't even need to be plowed, really!
Julia: *jittery* WE SHOULD JUST WAIT.*sweating* It'll open soon, the weather's already better!! *bites nails* Just, don't move the car at all. And we'll be fine.*whimpers* 
Sloan: Uh...okay, calm down baby. It'll be okay. We'll wait.
*3 hours later*
Sloan: Wow, I guess they're really keeping this highway closed. They're making us all turn around....to drive back through the storm that just passed....through....We'll have to go back down to Utah and go up through Pocatello.
Julia: HOW BOUT WE JUST STOP HERE AND SLEEP. HEHE. *in fetal position* WAIT FOR THE SNOW TO MELT. OR SOMETHING. HEEEEEE! EVERYONE CALM DOWN!! *passes out*


*four hours later* *it's two am*

*8 hours later* 
Sloan: *hands ice scraper to Julia* We need to start scraping off the inside of the windows. I can't see anything.
Julia: *bloodshot eyes* Yeah, baby, okay, yeah. *scrapes window, gets ice all over herself* I didn't even know this was possible. To get ice all over the inside of the car. *eye twitch* Here, Mikyn. Do your window.
Mikyn: *asleep*
Julia: I THINK WE ARE SLIDING, SLOAN, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
Sloan: *concentration face* Don't worry, baby, this is the only way to get down from the mountain pass. It's a...controlled slide.
Julia: *clutches dashboard* YOU'RE GOING 60 MPH.*heavy breathing*
Sloan: *car slides sideways* Hey! I kind of feel like a cowboy right now!

Sloan: All right! It took twenty four hours of me driving on 900 miles of packed snow at 45 mph, but we GOT TO SEATTLE! That wasn't so bad.
Mikyn: *wakes up* Gah, seriously, Sloan. That took forever. Geez. Ooh! McDonald's!
Julia: *in emotional coma*

Sunday, November 21, 2010

YARN!!!!

Sloan: *comes through front door* Hey baby. What have you been doing?
Julia: *sitting on living room floor* Oh, you know. The usual.
Sloan: Crafting?
Julia: *concentrating* Uh huh.
Sloan: Well show me what you've been making all day!
Julia: *jumps up* OKAY!!!! *runs to kitchen* WELL, while I was wrapping birthday presents for your family, I ran out of ribbon!!
Sloan: Oh no!
Julia: I know, right? Anyway, I came up with the idea to use some of the yarn I just bought!! See?
 Sloan: Ahhhh, very cute, sweetie. *starts to walk away*
Julia: HEY! WHERE YA GOING?? I thought that the yarn on Alison's gift was so cute, I took the ribbons off and did it to EVERYONE ELSE'S PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!
Sloan: Oh, wow...you mean you already had ribbons tied to those?
Julia: Yeah!!
Sloan: And you took all of them back off?
Julia: Yeah!!
Sloan: Just to tie yarn on them to look like ribbons?
Julia: *cheering* Yarn! Yarn! Yarn! *fist pump*
Sloan: *walks toward bathroom*
Julia: *holds firmly to Sloan's sleeve* Soooooo, after I wrapped the presents, I was all like, "Hey! I haven't made pom pons for a while!" And I love those things! So I decided just to follow my heart and make some without even knowing what I was going to do with them!!!
Sloan: That's gre-
Julia: *cheering* Pom Pons! Pom Pons!!
Sloan: Swee-
Julia: POM! *toe touch*
Sloan: Just list-
Julia: PON! *karate kick*
Sloan: I GET IT! *heavy breathing* Sweetheart, do you remember that time you figured out you could put glitter on almost any dry surface?
Julia: GLITTAH! I love that stuff!!!! *cheering* GLI-TER! GLI-TER!
Sloan: BUT remember how things got a little out of hand after you bought that spray adhesive and the Martha Stewart Deluxe Glitter Dust Mulitpack?
Julia: *hangs head* No....
Sloan: *serious face*
Julia: *sheepish* Yeeeeah...
Sloan: Yeah? Remember how we had to hire professionals to come in to clean the glitter out of the carpet? In all of the rooms of thouse?
Julia: *nods*
Sloan: Well, I'm afraid you may get a little involved with your yarn crafts, like with the glitter. Julia, When was the last time you bathed?
Julia: *shifts eyes sideways* HEY! LOOK WHAT I MADE FOR BABY LILY'S BIRTHDAY!

Sloan: *sigh* A yarn bouquet. Very cute...I thought you were gonna use that glass vase you bought?
Julia: I did, dummy! I wrapped it! IN YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN! *cheering* CRAFT-ING! CRAFT-ING!

Sloan: *runs bathtub*

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

And That's the Story of Julia and Sloan's Divorce

Julia: So, I want to show everybody the necklaces I've been making lately. But I don't want to put up narcissistic pictures of myself wearing them...and I had an idea.
Sloan: I am not modeling your necklaces.
Julia: HOW DID YOU KNOW????
Sloan:  It won't be as funny as you think it will be. Maybe this is an idea you should sleep on, Julia.
Julia: I thought of it this morning and have been thinking about it all day!! That is the same thing as sleeping on it!
Sloan: No. I'm trying to write a paper anyway.
Julia: *hops up and down* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.*gathers necklaces* Everyone will think we are so quirky!!
Sloan: *begins unbuttoning pants*
Julia: STOP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!
Sloan: *pulls shirt off*
Julia: SLOAN LANDON!!! STOP TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF!!! YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT EVERY TIME I WANT TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOU FOR THE BLOG. IT'S UNFAIR!!!!
Sloan: *silently sits in underwear* *continues typing*
Julia: *gets shirt from closet* *puts shirt over Sloan's head* Ya just need... to...*struggling* put your arms...through the sleeves. *heavy breathing*
Sloan: *silent, unmoving*
Julia: *focused* Just...pull your arm...through...*sigh* Okay fine. I'll just take it like this. *puts necklace over head* *click*
Julia: COME ON. If you cooperated, we could have been done by now!
Sloan: This is stupid. I'm busy.
Julia: Everyone will think you are so funny and carefree! Not to mention hilarious!
Sloan: *increasingly agitated* I've already told you five times. You need to listen to me.
Julia: *clenches fists* Slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooan! *serious face* You need to lighten up.
Sloan: Fine. Whatever. *puts shirt on* *continues writing paper*


Julia: Yes! *click* These look good baby!
Sloan: Don't talk to me.
Julia *struggles to take necklace off Sloan's neck*
Sloan: I am trying to write a paper. Stop this.



 Julia: Okay, time for an artistic, jaunty closeup! *click*


Julia: Over exposure!! *click*




Julia: And there's the last one! Baby? I noticed you haven't talked to me for, like, twenty minutes.
Sloan: *silence*

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Wrote the Word "Blog" 17 Times.

I don't really talk about my blog on my blog (aka meta-blogging) because...well...I don't ever have anything to say about it existentially. It just is. And that's okay.

I think Albert Markovski said it best when he addressed a rock he found on the ground: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need. 


I feel that way about this blog.


However, something odd is happening lately. People have been going out of their way to tell me that they don't read my blog. Now, this makes me happy in the sense that I must be approachable enough that people can unsolicitedly tell me that they do not read my blog. I really value candid people and I don't assume anyone reads this besides my family.

However...I have an ip tracker, which means plainly that I already know if you read my blog or not. And when someone tells me they don't read it, but I know they actually stop by the page a few times a week, I wonder if that means people feel uncomfortable talking to me.

Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of face-saving. There have been many times when I have forwarded my nonchalance in true hipster fashion by catching on to the latest anti-trend. I pretend like I hate things like Banana Republic and Tom Clancy books. I ironically eat at Denny's, I wear uncomfortably tight pants and geriatric sweaters. So, honestly, no need to tell me you don't read my blog, because I agree that blogs are so uncool! They are the worst!! Even though the odds are if I know you in any way, I read yours.

I have a feeling that my mom and anyone else over 30 won't understand what I'm talking about. "Why would someone tell you they don't read your blog when they really do? That seems silly!" I'll give an example: I know a person who is very self-aware. He/She likes Salinger and  horn-rimmed glasses. Once, while I was hanging out with this friend, he/she referenced a story that I had written on my blog, but quickly followed it up in a dismissive tone, "I mean, I don't read your blog. Someone else told me about the story." However, I know that he/she hits up the blog almost daily (WHICH IS NORMAL AND FINE, I DO THIS WITH MANY BLOGS BELONGING TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW AT ALL). This happens to me a lot if the blog ever comes up in conversation, which is not often (I mean it's not like I'm paying my friends some sort of  30% straight commission to make mention of my blog in their daily conversations, and then following up on their leads with a phone call and written report. Ha! That's insane!)

So I just want you guys to know some things. It's okay if you read this. It's okay if you don't. It's okay if you print out each entry and place it in a leather binder titled "Julia and Sloan 4 Life." It's okay if it's just a manila envelope. It's okay if you aren't reading this right now. It's okay if you don't even know what the internet is used for. It's all okay. When it comes to my accepting and loving people, I care much more about things like their physical attractiveness and annual income than whether they take an interest in my blog.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Updating

A summary of the past week in acrostic:

Threw Mikyn a birthday party. A birthday party that was in no way similar to Sloan's (Figs. 1-3).
Halloween party + Halloween party + Halloween party = Friday, Saturday, Sunday (Figs. 4 & 5).
Estimated that about 50 trick-or-treaters would come to our door...
Passed out candy to eight trick-or-treaters.
Ate approximately 3500 calories daily (85% from various cheeses).
Stalked be-costumed babies all over Orem/Provo!!
Tried to eat fresh vegetables, but instead...threw them away.
Wore my coat for the first time this season (Fits like a glove when I suck in! I still got it!).
Ended a two week nap dryspell. *phew* Never doing THAT again.
Earned a sincere compliment from a gas station attendant regarding my...pants.
Kicked off a game of Scattergories at Russell's despite EVERYONE'S resentment and non-cooperation!

Figure 1

Figure 2

Figure 3
Figure 4: Polygamist's wife

Figure 5: Some frat guy at a toga party