Monday, May 31, 2010

The Gentleman's Game

Sloan has been teaching me how to golf. He took me to the driving range a lot last summer, so this weekend, he took me to play nine holes at Cascade Golf Course down the street from our house. Cascade is one of the, er, cheaper courses in the valley, but I still think it's nice.

The back nine (golf lingo for the last nine holes) is up on the foothills of the Wasatch Mountains. It's pretty rugged, so they require a gas-powered golf cart rental to go up there. But to be honest, I felt like we needed a mule and a Sherpa to safely traverse those holes.

I didn't know much about golf until Sloan helped me out. And, really, I still don't know much. But here is what I do know:
  • You tee off with a driver. A driver is the most useful club with which to whack at the bushes when you lose your ball, because of its large surface area and length.
  • You hit from the fairway with an iron. Because of its heft, an iron is helpful with solidly pounding at the ground in frustration.
  • You putt on the green with a putter. It's useless for anything but overshooting the hole.
Also, remember to wear sunscreen and act classy in everything you do.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mmmm, Waxy

I saw these on BoingBoing.net and I was drawn to them HEHE IT'S A PUN! They're edible crayons...if you couldn't guess.

I think it is a typical childhood tendency to want to eat crayons. They're so...colorful! And bite-sized! And they come in wrappers! Like candy!

I was a logical and deliberate-acting sort of child. I knew early on that eating crayons was a dumb thing to do, and the kind of kids who actually took bites out of crayons were also the ones who pooped their pants and tried to read books upside down. So of course, being the self-proclaimed precocious child I was, I never sank my teeth into a crayon, not even when I was alone.

Do I wonder what a crayon tastes like? Yes. Do I still want to eat them? No. Okay, yeah, maybe I do. Am I reconsidering posting this blogpost because it is feeling strangely like a therapy session? Yes. Will I take a step toward a more spontaneous living and just post it anyway? YES, BY GOD, I WILL.

Geriatric Inner Mono/Dialogue

Julia's heart: I'm starting to feel old.
Julia's mind: Ah...
Julia's heart: I mean, I can remember when some of the people I know were babies. I'm old enough to remember when an adult was a baby!
Julia's mind: I see.
Julia's heart: I mean, until a couple of years ago, everyone I knew who was younger than me was still just a little kid. And when those little kids started driving, that was weird enough. But now they're in college...drinking, wearing scandalous clothes, and probably...you know...
Julia's mind: I'll bet most of them didn't wait until college to start doing that.
Julia's heart: defeated This makes my whole life feel weird and sad. Not to mention, I am feeling older myself. I like to do old people things. Like, I...have houseplants that I care if they die. And I beat out my rugs with a broom...before they're even that dirty.
Julia's mind: Maybe we're just an old soul.
Julia's heart: Even my body is aging. Like, when I pull something or hurt myself these days, it takes so much longer to get better than when I was in high school. Even now, sometimes my back gets sore for no reason.
Julia's mind: scoffs Okay, enough. How old ARE we? Twenty? [twenty-four thankyouVERYmuch you dumb brain] Things are gonna get a whole lot worse. We're going to have kids! And those kids of ours, OUR BABIES, are going to grow up! One might even get knocked up before she can drive! Then we'll be a grandma! AND ANOTHER THING, eventually we'll be living your life in a body that always feels sore. Not just in the mornings; all day! At some age, we'll feel like we've been hit by a bus every day for the rest of our life! And it wasn't because we did anything to deserve it, we lived a healthy and active life! It's just BECAUSE. Stop ignoring these facts!
Julia: pause I need a nap.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Fixin' to

I am currently reading Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston (thanks, thrift store, for selling me so many classics for fifty cents! And thanks, David J. Whittaker for seemingly dumping your entire library of good books onto the shelves of Savers, but not before you used your personalized hand stamp on the front [and back and sides] of each of them).

Hurston's book is about this woman who is raised by her grandmother during--eh, you should just go read it. It might take you an afternoon. Tops. ANYWAY the whole thing is written in this deep southern dialect. The type of writing that, if you don't read it out loud, you almost suspect she didn't actually write a real book and was just trying to avant-garde us into liking her stuff. BUT I DIGRESS.

Here's an example: 'Thank yuh fuh yo' compliments, but mah wife don't know nothin' 'bout no speech- makin'...Ah never married her for nothin' lak dat. She's uh woman and her place is in de home.' This, of course, roughly translates to "My wife isn't going to make a speech because she's of the weaker sex, but she CAN make me a hoagie. Which would be delicious right about now."

Well, since I've been reading this for about half an hour a night for the past few days, my generic inner-head voice has been...slurring.Sort of sliding into a lazier, redneck voice. And I think I'm just gonna go with it.

People in Utah love a good bad Southern accent. Judging by the way they react, it's like an adorable puppy bounds out of your moth every time you talk like a redneck.I intend on faking my way into having one so that everyone will want to pat my head and open doors for me.
Wish me luck, mah friends! (See? Already.)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Secret Admirer

I went to the garden center at Home Depot on my lunch break. I like having plants in my house and had decided to take on putting together a little planter box of succulents (saying that word makes me hungry).  Anyway, per usual, there were about 60 old people there.

When it comes to general observation and interpersonal interaction, there is nothing better than a fine, well-aged, all-American old person. All I want is a careful hug from every old person I see. But instead, I must settle with easing my cart up next to theirs in Home Depot and pretending not to bed delighted that they are old and cute. I resent that it is socially unacceptable for me to hug them without first having to talk to them in order to actualize a reason.

Maybe it was the brightness of the sun today, but I did realize that old people make incredibly strange faces (the squint, the open-mouth, the perma-grin) for extended periods of time. Their facial expression has little to do with their current situation, however, and probably more to do with comfort or muscle control. Either way, this unreadability further discourages my hug-seeking.

I certainly know that I am not the only person affected by the infirmity of old people. It's a widely held sentiment. That is why Hollywood uses their vulnerability and frailness as emotional pawns during movies. The classic old-person-realizing-their-oldness makes me frantic with emotion every time (see: The Shawshank Redemption [Brooks], Awakenings [ALL OF THEM], Harold and Maude [Maude, duh]). Old people.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ambition

I've found a new little design tool that has instantly made my life more exciting. ColourLovers has made the hard part of everything instantly easier. I find so many things I like that I'm just gonna use them all! I'll be changing my background a lot. Maybe weekly. Daily? I don't know if I want to commit to anything. So, I won't.

The old, crotchety folk may say, HEY MAN WE CAN'T READ THIS STUFF WITH DAT CRAZAY BACKGROUND. But really, I know they can read it just fine.

Friday, May 14, 2010

What? I'm Hip! I'm Down With the Jiggy!

My BFF for life, Kirie, teaches at a decidedly thuggish high school in Memphis. Okay, it might not be Dangerous Minds thuggish...nor Save the Last Dance thuggish. Definitely not Sister Act II thuggish, either. But still, I'll bet there have been some pretty major juvenile offenders in her classroom. Here is a dramatic reenactment.

Kirie: I was reading your blog post about the bad words in the horse book at school and laughed so hard that I had to read it out loud to the students.
Julia: excited at the prospect of inspiring moody high schoolers through my humor to value the art of writing and abandoning their gangster ways. Oh, yeah? Your students are pretty hardcore. Did they laugh? trying to sound nonchalant
Kirie: No. They were just confused that you would admit to something you didn't do. They were all like, "Why she do that?"
Julia: disheartened Oh, ha! Yeah. I was pretty dumb. Oh, man. Heh.

I was momentarily crushed that a gaggle of 15 year olds didn't appreciate my issues. Pathetic? Yes. Shallow? Yes. A moment in which I could learn the value of accepting myself as I am and to not value others' perceptions above my own? No, not really. THEY'RE RIGHT. It was dumb! And unnecessary! No need to twist this whole thing around to say that what I did when I was little ever made sense.

Now, I must only work harder to touch the hardened criminal hearts of the students at Germantown High. I will win you, my friends. I will make a freedom writer out of EACH of you with my unrelatable stories of adversity!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Eating Healthily: A How To


Read a health/diet book by a credited physician. Absorb as much knowledge as you can and muster up the enthusiasm to succeed! REMEMBER YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! Read another book by a credited physician which completely contradicts the first one. Turn to the internet in a panic. Listen to Dr. Oz on Oprah who says eating nuts every day is healthy. Realize that you LOVE nuts and mutter Yeah, I can do this as you buy a pound (!) of them at Costco.

Eat the delicious, healthy nuts when you get home. Enjoy them so much that you eat about 2 cups of them before deciding that snack time is over. Feel accomplished that you ate something so raw and natural as opposed to the typical afternoon bag of chips. Good job!
Nonchalantly check the calorie count on the mixed nuts' packaging and realize that you just ate 1900 calories. Don't panic. Instead, use the habit you just learned from one of the doctor books, something about "checking the fat." Read on the label that you just ate 180 grams of fat. Read on Wikipedia that 180 grams of fat is...eh, too much fat.

Begin sweating with anxiety and tell yourself to lie down. Yell in your head that FAT PEOPLE LIE DOWN during crises like these and that is why they are FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Put on your tennis shoes and sports bra; jog up and down the (six) stairs in your home for about 10 minutes until you need your inhaler.

Your phone rings; it's your husband. Answer the phone shouting I ATE A LOT BUT IT'S THE GOOD KIND OF FAT. I'M EXERCISING CAN'T TALK. Drive to the gas station for a Gatorade because Dr. Oz also said something about electrolytes.

Congratulations! You're so skinny!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Math! So Hard!

The Scene: Home. Sloan and I are trying to calculate my paid time off for the year as we schedule flights to Memphis and Seattle.

Sloan: K, so if we take five days for Tennessee in July, then you should have nine left...I think.
Julia: And Christmas will take three more days.
Sloan: No, four.
Julia: THREE, honey. I remember the dates.
Sloan: Uh, yeah, I remember the dates too.
Julia: December 20th through the 23rd, baby. THREE DAYS.
Sloan: FOUR. DAYS. IT'S FOUR DAYS. COUNT WITH YOUR FINGERS.
Julia: Shut up! I'M NOT AN IDIOT. storms off. then silently counts the days on her fingers. Oh..dear.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Senile

Sloan: Remember that time we went to Sushi Ya and the waitress messed up our order?
Julia: Hmm, no...
Sloan: She brought out, like, three completely different sushi rolls than what we had ordered.
Julia: That happened? When?
Sloan: Last summer some time. You don't remember?
Julia: Well, now that I think about it...
Sloan: And she said those were the rolls we had ordered? She was strangely insistent about it.
Julia: Oh yeah! It was weird!
Sloan: She even brought out the ticket she wrote on to show us.
Julia: Yeah! The audacity!! What a crazy night.
Sloan: dramatic pause You're insane. That never happened.
Julia: brow furrowed It...didn't?
Sloan: YOU HAVE THE WORST MEMORY. Why did you say you remembered that? You are crazy!
Julia: I don't know! You just kept going on with the story like I should've remembered!
Sloan: But you got INTO it! And this is not the first time!!
Julia: I was just trying to imagine how I might have felt! This is really embarrasing me!!