Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Eating Healthily: A How To

Read a health/diet book by a credited physician. Absorb as much knowledge as you can and muster up the enthusiasm to succeed! REMEMBER YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! Read another book by a credited physician which completely contradicts the first one. Turn to the internet in a panic. Listen to Dr. Oz on Oprah who says eating nuts every day is healthy. Realize that you LOVE nuts and mutter Yeah, I can do this as you buy a pound (!) of them at Costco.

Eat the delicious, healthy nuts when you get home. Enjoy them so much that you eat about 2 cups of them before deciding that snack time is over. Feel accomplished that you ate something so raw and natural as opposed to the typical afternoon bag of chips. Good job!
Nonchalantly check the calorie count on the mixed nuts' packaging and realize that you just ate 1900 calories. Don't panic. Instead, use the habit you just learned from one of the doctor books, something about "checking the fat." Read on the label that you just ate 180 grams of fat. Read on Wikipedia that 180 grams of fat is...eh, too much fat.

Begin sweating with anxiety and tell yourself to lie down. Yell in your head that FAT PEOPLE LIE DOWN during crises like these and that is why they are FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Put on your tennis shoes and sports bra; jog up and down the (six) stairs in your home for about 10 minutes until you need your inhaler.

Your phone rings; it's your husband. Answer the phone shouting I ATE A LOT BUT IT'S THE GOOD KIND OF FAT. I'M EXERCISING CAN'T TALK. Drive to the gas station for a Gatorade because Dr. Oz also said something about electrolytes.

Congratulations! You're so skinny!


  1. I too have a hard time staying to the "handful" of nuts that is recommended for healthy snacking. Thats why you buy them in bulk at the grocery store - cause then there is no nutritional information on the bag when you get home.

  2. wow jules. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.