Monday, June 21, 2010

Regurgitation

Major Vice: Whenever I (Julia) am feeling nauseated to the point of vomiting, I can't deal with it on any level. Not emotionally, not physically, not spiritually. If the tell-tale signs of a churning stomach and a cold sweat begin appearing, I want to die. I get crazy. I start MOANING and talking gibberish and loudly praying to Jesus to save me (which is incredibly awkward in a public restroom). My retching is probably 5 times louder than it has to be but I can't help it. I feel like my life is on the line and I just give it my all. 

I'm not, like, the pukiest person in the world, but I do get ill with enough frequency that I SHOULD know that I will, in fact, continue living a comfortable life after a vomiting episode. But I don't. Honestly, I probably need some sort of sensei to teach me self-control in those situations.

Sloan is now used to this type of behavior after enduring many early frightening episodes where I screamed like a banshee and "was reaching for the light" after a night out eating sketchy Mexican food.

Annnnnnd after about a 2 month dry spell, Sunday reminded me of what it felt like to pray for a quick death. I felt semi-sick all morning, but Sloan assumed I was faking to get out of church. He apprehensively stayed home with me as I took about 4 baths to try and feel better. I was lying on the bed when the dry heaving began. Sloan was in the living room.

Julia: MOOOOOOOAN AGGGGGGGGGH 
Sloan: Baby? You need to go back into the bathroom, don't you think?
Julia: HELPMEJESUS GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAA
Sloan: Honey, do you need-
Julia: BLARGH *splat*

Sloan comes  into our room to find me sweaty and face-planted in my dark red vomit (thanks, Kool-Aid, for keeping your sense of humor about things). He carries me, delirious and clawing at the air, to the bathroom to lie on the floor. Little man then strips the bedding and puts it in the washer, all while I lay on the ground groaning like a downed soldier. 

It was the worst experience of my life. But I say that every time. I didn't throw up anymore that day, but that meager cup's worth sure went the distance for me by making me sound like an idiot and staining our mattress permanently. And what did I learn from this? NOTHING. I will be just as bonkers the next time. JUST AS BONKERS.

9 comments:

  1. Hahaha, I shouldn't laugh at your obvious pain, but I can't stop laughing!

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  2. Disgusting. Are you preggo?

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  3. Oh my gosh I have tears in my eyes...that was so hilarious.

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  4. Haha no way I am such a ninnie when it comes to being nauseated, too.

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  5. YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE PANSIE. THAT IS PATHETIC. LET ME TEACH YOU THE REAL MEANING OF THE UNENDING TECHNICOLOR YAWN.

    no sympathy. nope, none.

    on the bright side, I did laugh myself sick over the kool-aid face-plant.

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  6. I'm waiting for an answer to the prego question.

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  7. NO I'M NOT PREGNANT. Haven't even been married a year, people.

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  8. Hey, that doesn't mean anything! It's about time isn't it?

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  9. We were only married 6 months before I got pregnant, but I'm not saying you should do that. Plus you don't want to be pregnant next May.

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