Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Over GChat

me: my poor little guy, did you finally wake up?
Sent at 11:24 AM on Wednesday
Sloan Rehder: Yeah, I don't know what is wrong with me -Sloan
me: You're fighting off an infection! And probably some kind of cold.
Sloan Rehder: Maybe that's it. -Sloan R.
me: i had to brush of my car this morning! it sucked.
Sloan Rehder: at least you didn't have to scrape it - Sloan Rehder
me: yeah, that is seriously way worse
Sloan Rehder: no doubt -SR
me: stright up
straight
up
Sloan Rehder: wow, you really pulled that off flawlessly!
Sloan Rehder: -Sloan
me: stop putting your signature in there
me: i was thinking about inviting people over to make caramel apples on sunday
Sloan Rehder: That could be fun -SR
me: stop
Sloan Rehder: I just what you to know its me and not an impostor - S. Rehder
me: stop
Sloan Rehder: Well you can't hear my voice or see my face
How else do you know its me and not some other extremely witty person
-Sloan Rehder
me: STOP
YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE
Sloan Rehder: See, now I am really worried you'll think I'm an imposter if you're going insane. - Sloan L. Rehder

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Riddler



Sloan: I downloaded a new app that tells you riddles. Want me to read them to you?
Julia: Yeah!! I'll feel like Bilbo Baggins!
Sloan: Okay, here's the first one: The more you take, the more you leave behind.
Julia: *thinky face* Footsteps!
Sloan: Good job! Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is that man?
Julia: *counts on fingers* Eh...um, me?
Sloan: Yeah, baby! Good job! Okay, What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
Julia: Hmmmm...*ten minutes later* A river???!!
Sloan: Yep! Man, you are...dedicated. You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead.
Julia: I think it's-
Sloan: ...In the store, I'm by the door. In the house, I'm eaten by mouse.
Julia: Oh...you weren't done? Anyway *clears throat* I think it's an onion. 
Sloan: Yeah! *high five* Okay next: I can be cracked, I can be made.
I can be told, I can be played.
Julia: Ha! A jo-
Sloan: ...I can climb walls, I can cut throats...
I laugh and frolic with the goats.
Julia: *silence* *brow furrowed*
Sloan: ...I blow my nose, I poop my pants...
Julia: *shocked face*
Sloan: ...I know the real versus implants.
Julia: *grabs at phone* What the?! *reads screen* That's not on here!! You've been making these up!
Sloan: *poker face* She runs her mouth, she flails about.
Julia: STOP IT
Sloan: Her voice is full of fright and doubt.
Julia: This isn't even a riddle anymore!!!! It's...a poem!!
Sloan: Her brow perspires, patience expires
Julia: *gutteral groan* 
Sloan: Her life and situation dire.
Julia: *goes into kitchen*
Sloan: *follows* She walks away, pulls down a cup
Julia: *turns on faucet*
Sloan: And from it drinks, can't lighten up.
Julia: *throws water in Sloan's face*
Sloan: *poker face* Alas, she strikes! Like a loser, sore!
Julia: *locks self in bathroom*
Sloan: *through the door* So goes the story *dramatic pause* of Julia Moore.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sloan's Surprise Party

I threw Sloan a surprise party. Here are the facts:
  • Planned and executed in two days *pats self on back*
  • Attended by many very cool people (also known as our friends)
  • Genuinely a surprise for Sloan (this, I consider, my greatest accomplishment)
  • Fiesta-themed (for no particular reason)
  • Nearly ruined by Russell's peeking out the window as Sloan walked up (but ultimately not ruined--Sloan assumed it was me because i'm a creeper)
  • Captured photographically by Holly, but I'M THE ONE who did all of the cool effects! By myself! In MS Paint!!!!!!
A small sampling of the revelers
My little man




My little KK
The aftermath
More aftermath


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Choke

I like to think that I'm pretty clutch in general, but there are a few situations that inevitably turn into meltdowns. I know that's typical for everyone, at least that's what Dr. Phil says, and he's a man I can trust. Consider the following list as a public decree of vulnerability from yours truly (Julia).


Julia Miriam Moore Rehder's Stressful Situations

1. Putting a fitted sheet on Folding a fitted sheet Encountering a fitted sheet in any setting - Fitted sheets are uncooperative in every sense. They are gigantic snobs:
Julia: *nervously* Heyyyy fitted sheet! How are ya? Been a while!
Fitted Sheet: *silence*
Julia: So, eh, listen. Can I...fold you?
Fitted Sheet: No, you may not.
Julia: K, I'll continue with the typical roll-into-a-wad style. Eh, forget about the linen closet! How about I put you on the bed? It'll be nice to get out in the open!
Fitted Sheet: *haughty sigh* You can try. But I feel obligated to remind you that this is a task that takes herculean strength and unwavering confidence, both of which aren't resting on the top of your pile of attributes. I mean seriously, how many times do you have to stretch me out with so much vigor that I rip, causing you to faceplant into the headboard? *chuckle* I'm not saying that isn't funny, Julia. *serious face* But I am saying it's sad.

2. Carrying a breakable item that does not belong to me - There have been plenty of situations where I have not moved from my spot at a gathering specifically because I don't want to pick up my glass. The chances of my dropping a breakable item of my own are approximately 25%. This escalates to 40% if I am around other people (45% if they are strangers). However, if it belongs to someone else (plates, figurines, picture frames) this probably hits a solid 80% percent. Now, I'm no gamblin man, but I'm pretty sure those odds aren't running in my favor.

3. Listening to Eminem

4. Trying to not walk like a duck - Probably once a week, someone makes fun of how I waddle when I walk (I've come to terms with this, emotionally). Matt, my physical therapist brother-in-law, says I walk like this because I have flexible hips, which sounds too provocative not to acknowledge. Anyway, when people notice this, I immediately attempt to (over)correct and pigeon toe my feet into normalcy. Not only does this hurt, but it takes my full attention to execute, which means the redirection of my normal brain functions to pointing my toes inward, leaving me essentially mindless. This only works as long as no one is speaking to me and expecting me to speak back, which sadly, happens more than I'd like to admit.

5. Hearing the doorbell - Panic strikes. Every time. WHAT DO I DO? AM I DECENT? CAN I GET AWAY WITH NOT ANSWERING, OR WAS I MAKING ENOUGH NOISE IN THE MOMENTS BEFORE THE RINGER RANG THE BELL FOR THEM TO KNOW THAT I AM HOME? DID I ORDER SOMETHING? WHY IS IT SO LOUD? WHAT IF THEY RING IT AGAIN? AND THEN START POUNDING ON THE DOOR? WOULD THAT MEAN IT COULD BE THE POLICE? WHY WOULD THEY COME TO MY HOUSE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW BAD PEOPLE!

6. Being around a baby but not being allowed to hold it - This is perhaps akin to watching your wedding ring fall down the drain. MUST REACH. MUST GET. NEED. And of course, this is exponentially worse if the baby is 1.) fat 2.) falling asleep 3.) wearing a costume.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Know Yourself, Ya Dummie.

In preparation for an upcoming business conference, my boss made the team take the Myers-Briggs test. It's a personality assessment. Personally, I thought I knew myself pretty well through various astrological inner-explorations involving reading crystals, but I went ahead and took the assessment. Today I got my evaluation back. Sixteen pages of it. And what I thought would be a bunch of cool diagrams with little explanation turned into an intense introspective come-to-Jesus. 

Because I believe some people are cooler than others, and that coolness is something that can be quantified, I started keeping score while reading my assessment. Bad idea.

"You genuinely want people to interact and get to know each other." +1 (like Mother Theresa!!)


“You often seek to be the center of attention.” -1

"You show wit and humor when you talk with others."  +1 (like a comedian!! I love Ellen!)

“You may sometimes wonder whether you’ve talked too much or said inappropriate or perhaps embarrassing things.” -1 
  
“You like to critique and are surprised when others don’t accept critiques as justified and helpful.” -1 (like Lucille Bluthe)

"You need to know just how late you can start to actually meet the deadline." -1 (how can this be good in any way?)

"You make mental leaps and enjoy brainstorming." +1 (like a scientist! or Thomas Jefferson!!)

“You should limit your expressiveness to those who appreciate your style” -1 (calm down)

Be aware that people vary in their level of interest in what you have to say and thus be selective in whom you talk to.” -1 (you annoy people, so stop that)

"Realize that your style may upset others and try to pull back and be more accepting." -1

Coolness = -4

After this point, when I realized there was a steady downward slope to my score, I decided to just...read, and not keep score. Surprisingly, this didn't really help: "You are Extroverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving.  ENTP's tend to be quick, innovative, and interested in many things (like a lawyer! or a President of the United States!). Alert and outspoken, they may argue for fun on either side of a question (argumentative, no big surprise). They want to be asked to participate in activities, even if they’re not really interested in them (wow, needy). They are resourceful in solving new and challenging problems, but may neglect routine assignments (unreliable, like Doc from Back to the Future).  Because they see so many possibilities, ENTPs may have difficulty picking those with the greatest potential (ambivalent, like Charlie Brown). They dislike routine and find it hard to apply themselves to the sometimes necessary details involved in finishing projects (laaaazy). They become bored easily (obnoxious). They are most interested in logically analyzing ideas and theories (like some kind of genius!!). They can speak to all sides of an issue, and they may change sides if no one is championing the viewpoint of that side (kind of a jerk). The challenge of the discussion is more important to them than reaching agreement (finding joy in the small things, like a nice person)ENTPs are skillful at finding logical reasons for what they want (like a...terrible, rationalizer)."

This test is essentially telling me that my personality is...meh. Success!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Cabin

Sloan probably sees me in this position more than any other.

Being a project manager for a new software release is stressful and time-consuming, so I'm constantly working from home. Aw, I'm just yankin' your chain! Why would I work at HOME?? It's home! Not work! Home is for reading celebrity gossip and googling baby rhino pictures! And falling asleep on the couch while eating cheese toast! And yelling at Sloan!

Anyway, this weekend Sloan and I went to our friends Jeff and Kira's cabin for a night of rustic enjoyment. I left my computer at home. TMZ could wait. And CuteOverload. And CakeWrecks. 

Baby Kylie doin her baby thing.

My besties, Emily and Kristi with their respective, er, men.
Jeff doing what others are too soft to do: ignore everyone and JUST EAT.
 It was fun. From my experience, I have determined having friends is a fun and rewarding hobby.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Meet the Rehders!

Because I did an in depth post regarding my family, I need to do it for my other family. I present:
  DAS REHDEREN

Referencing the Moore post, it would be unfair of me to actually produce comely thumbnails of the Rehders, so after a lot of internet sleuthing, I unearthed some treasures! 

Ed: The patriarch. Complains consistently regarding temperature, lighting, and other drivers. The original manly man. Teddy bear at heart.
Pam: Unstoppable, stylish, and all other good things that could ever be associated with a person (she's my mother-in-law, guys, not touching the jokes with a ten foot pole).
Regen: Mini-mom. The only person I know with celebrity knowledge comparable to mine. Laughs nervously when she's proven wrong, like her mother.
Matt: Long-suffering, friendly, a master fisherman. Also known famously for contributing half of the DNA of two impossibly adorable girls.
Kenley: Bossy. Bananas. Has the voice of a chipmunk. Has a fragmented personality developing, due to being inundated with strange ideas by her grandmother. Says things like, "Santa called. He's not happy."
Brisen: Baby. Hard worker, grunter, master of loud farts. Prefers her pacifier to even the enticings of cuddling with her maternal Aunt Julia.
Darth: The original manly son. Dog-owner, daughter-lover, thing-builder. Can generally be heard yelling "JASPER!!" on a daily basis.
Missy: Darth's high school sweetheart. Adorable smile, long hair. Resident tender-heart. Can also be heard yelling "JASPER!!" on occasion.
Lily: Precious baby. When confused, annoyed, makes the same "Uh...can I help you?" face as her father. Will, in the future, start yelling "JASPER!!"
   Vance: Tall, lean, health-conscious. Tries to leave the house when I begin talking to him. In the words of Sloan, "He's not as nice as you think he is, Julia...*scary face*" Take that as you may.
Alison: Maternal, mild-mannered, tall. Makes cloth diapers and baby leggings. Has, quite possibly, never uttered a contentious word in her life.
Noa: Miniature Vance. Sweet, smiley, good-natured. Has the legs of a stallion and dances like a maniac. Precious.
Mikyn: The worst.

GC

This weekend, a band of merry Rehders (Pam, Ed, Regen, Kenley, and Brisen) rode into town for General Conference. We laughed, we cried, but mostly we made fun of Mikyn.


I learned how to use captions. This blog just got a lot more interesting.

Hark, another be-captioned photo created by J. Miriam Rehder (artist name).
From this photo, I learned a valuable lesson: sometimes, when you're pointing at and mocking Mikyn, you end up pointing at and mocking your right armpit. 

Pam and Kenley held hands but didn't include me. Not only was this awkward, but it was upsetting.
Drinking in the Prophet's counsel at General Conference.