Saturday, October 23, 2010

Choke

I like to think that I'm pretty clutch in general, but there are a few situations that inevitably turn into meltdowns. I know that's typical for everyone, at least that's what Dr. Phil says, and he's a man I can trust. Consider the following list as a public decree of vulnerability from yours truly (Julia).


Julia Miriam Moore Rehder's Stressful Situations

1. Putting a fitted sheet on Folding a fitted sheet Encountering a fitted sheet in any setting - Fitted sheets are uncooperative in every sense. They are gigantic snobs:
Julia: *nervously* Heyyyy fitted sheet! How are ya? Been a while!
Fitted Sheet: *silence*
Julia: So, eh, listen. Can I...fold you?
Fitted Sheet: No, you may not.
Julia: K, I'll continue with the typical roll-into-a-wad style. Eh, forget about the linen closet! How about I put you on the bed? It'll be nice to get out in the open!
Fitted Sheet: *haughty sigh* You can try. But I feel obligated to remind you that this is a task that takes herculean strength and unwavering confidence, both of which aren't resting on the top of your pile of attributes. I mean seriously, how many times do you have to stretch me out with so much vigor that I rip, causing you to faceplant into the headboard? *chuckle* I'm not saying that isn't funny, Julia. *serious face* But I am saying it's sad.

2. Carrying a breakable item that does not belong to me - There have been plenty of situations where I have not moved from my spot at a gathering specifically because I don't want to pick up my glass. The chances of my dropping a breakable item of my own are approximately 25%. This escalates to 40% if I am around other people (45% if they are strangers). However, if it belongs to someone else (plates, figurines, picture frames) this probably hits a solid 80% percent. Now, I'm no gamblin man, but I'm pretty sure those odds aren't running in my favor.

3. Listening to Eminem

4. Trying to not walk like a duck - Probably once a week, someone makes fun of how I waddle when I walk (I've come to terms with this, emotionally). Matt, my physical therapist brother-in-law, says I walk like this because I have flexible hips, which sounds too provocative not to acknowledge. Anyway, when people notice this, I immediately attempt to (over)correct and pigeon toe my feet into normalcy. Not only does this hurt, but it takes my full attention to execute, which means the redirection of my normal brain functions to pointing my toes inward, leaving me essentially mindless. This only works as long as no one is speaking to me and expecting me to speak back, which sadly, happens more than I'd like to admit.

5. Hearing the doorbell - Panic strikes. Every time. WHAT DO I DO? AM I DECENT? CAN I GET AWAY WITH NOT ANSWERING, OR WAS I MAKING ENOUGH NOISE IN THE MOMENTS BEFORE THE RINGER RANG THE BELL FOR THEM TO KNOW THAT I AM HOME? DID I ORDER SOMETHING? WHY IS IT SO LOUD? WHAT IF THEY RING IT AGAIN? AND THEN START POUNDING ON THE DOOR? WOULD THAT MEAN IT COULD BE THE POLICE? WHY WOULD THEY COME TO MY HOUSE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW BAD PEOPLE!

6. Being around a baby but not being allowed to hold it - This is perhaps akin to watching your wedding ring fall down the drain. MUST REACH. MUST GET. NEED. And of course, this is exponentially worse if the baby is 1.) fat 2.) falling asleep 3.) wearing a costume.

3 comments:

  1. I have the duck waddle but I sure don't feel like my hips are flexible.

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