The Riddler

Sloan: I downloaded a new app that tells you riddles. Want me to read them to you?
Julia: Yeah!! I'll feel like Bilbo Baggins!
Sloan: Okay, here's the first one: The more you take, the more you leave behind.
Julia: *thinky face* Footsteps!

Sloan: Good job! Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is that man?

Julia: *counts on fingers* Eh...um, me?

Sloan: Yeah, baby! Good job! Okay, What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

Julia: Hmmmm...*ten minutes later* A river???!!

Sloan: Yep! Man, you are...dedicated. You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead.

Julia: I think it's-

Sloan: ...In the store, I'm by the door. In the house, I'm eaten by mouse.

Julia: Oh...you weren't done? Anyway *clears throat* I think it's an onion. 

Sloan: Yeah! *high five* Okay next: I can be cracked, I can be made.

I can be told, I can be played.

Julia: Ha! A jo-

Sloan: ...I can climb walls, I can cut throats...

I laugh and frolic with the goats.

Julia: *silence* *brow furrowed*

Sloan: ...I blow my nose, I poop my pants...

Julia: *shocked face*

Sloan: ...I know the real versus implants.

Julia: *grabs at phone* What the?! *reads screen* That's not on here!! You've been making these up!

Sloan: *poker face* She runs her mouth, she flails about.

Julia: STOP IT

Sloan: Her voice is full of fright and doubt.

Julia: This isn't even a riddle anymore!!!! It's...a poem!!

Sloan: Her brow perspires, patience expires

Julia: *gutteral groan* 

Sloan: Her life and situation dire.

Julia: *goes into kitchen*

Sloan: *follows* She walks away, pulls down a cup

Julia: *turns on faucet*

Sloan: And from it drinks, can't lighten up.

Julia: *throws water in Sloan's face*

Sloan: *poker face* Alas, she strikes! Like a loser, sore!

Julia: *locks self in bathroom*

Sloan: *through the door* So goes the story *dramatic pause* of Julia Moore.