Friday, November 26, 2010

My Version of Hell

Sloan: Are you guys READY for our roadtrip to Seattle????
Julia, Mikyn, Emily: YEAH! *cheers*

*two hours later*

Sloan: Shew! This snow is making things...difficult...
Mikyn: *asleep*
Emily: *asleep*
Julia: Is the car sliding? It feels like it's sliding!!!!*rendered paralyzed with fear*

Sloan: Son of a--seriously? Idaho? You're closing the road here? I just drove through the storm!
Mikyn: *groggily* Ugh, why are we stopped?
Sloan: They closed the highway. The weather is already clearing up!! And it doesn't even need to be plowed, really!
Julia: *jittery* WE SHOULD JUST WAIT.*sweating* It'll open soon, the weather's already better!! *bites nails* Just, don't move the car at all. And we'll be fine.*whimpers* 
Sloan: Uh...okay, calm down baby. It'll be okay. We'll wait.
*3 hours later*
Sloan: Wow, I guess they're really keeping this highway closed. They're making us all turn drive back through the storm that just passed....through....We'll have to go back down to Utah and go up through Pocatello.

*four hours later* *it's two am*

*8 hours later* 
Sloan: *hands ice scraper to Julia* We need to start scraping off the inside of the windows. I can't see anything.
Julia: *bloodshot eyes* Yeah, baby, okay, yeah. *scrapes window, gets ice all over herself* I didn't even know this was possible. To get ice all over the inside of the car. *eye twitch* Here, Mikyn. Do your window.
Mikyn: *asleep*
Sloan: *concentration face* Don't worry, baby, this is the only way to get down from the mountain pass. It's a...controlled slide.
Julia: *clutches dashboard* YOU'RE GOING 60 MPH.*heavy breathing*
Sloan: *car slides sideways* Hey! I kind of feel like a cowboy right now!

Sloan: All right! It took twenty four hours of me driving on 900 miles of packed snow at 45 mph, but we GOT TO SEATTLE! That wasn't so bad.
Mikyn: *wakes up* Gah, seriously, Sloan. That took forever. Geez. Ooh! McDonald's!
Julia: *in emotional coma*

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Sloan: *comes through front door* Hey baby. What have you been doing?
Julia: *sitting on living room floor* Oh, you know. The usual.
Sloan: Crafting?
Julia: *concentrating* Uh huh.
Sloan: Well show me what you've been making all day!
Julia: *jumps up* OKAY!!!! *runs to kitchen* WELL, while I was wrapping birthday presents for your family, I ran out of ribbon!!
Sloan: Oh no!
Julia: I know, right? Anyway, I came up with the idea to use some of the yarn I just bought!! See?
 Sloan: Ahhhh, very cute, sweetie. *starts to walk away*
Julia: HEY! WHERE YA GOING?? I thought that the yarn on Alison's gift was so cute, I took the ribbons off and did it to EVERYONE ELSE'S PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!
Sloan: Oh, mean you already had ribbons tied to those?
Julia: Yeah!!
Sloan: And you took all of them back off?
Julia: Yeah!!
Sloan: Just to tie yarn on them to look like ribbons?
Julia: *cheering* Yarn! Yarn! Yarn! *fist pump*
Sloan: *walks toward bathroom*
Julia: *holds firmly to Sloan's sleeve* Soooooo, after I wrapped the presents, I was all like, "Hey! I haven't made pom pons for a while!" And I love those things! So I decided just to follow my heart and make some without even knowing what I was going to do with them!!!
Sloan: That's gre-
Julia: *cheering* Pom Pons! Pom Pons!!
Sloan: Swee-
Julia: POM! *toe touch*
Sloan: Just list-
Julia: PON! *karate kick*
Sloan: I GET IT! *heavy breathing* Sweetheart, do you remember that time you figured out you could put glitter on almost any dry surface?
Julia: GLITTAH! I love that stuff!!!! *cheering* GLI-TER! GLI-TER!
Sloan: BUT remember how things got a little out of hand after you bought that spray adhesive and the Martha Stewart Deluxe Glitter Dust Mulitpack?
Julia: *hangs head* No....
Sloan: *serious face*
Julia: *sheepish* Yeeeeah...
Sloan: Yeah? Remember how we had to hire professionals to come in to clean the glitter out of the carpet? In all of the rooms of thouse?
Julia: *nods*
Sloan: Well, I'm afraid you may get a little involved with your yarn crafts, like with the glitter. Julia, When was the last time you bathed?
Julia: *shifts eyes sideways* HEY! LOOK WHAT I MADE FOR BABY LILY'S BIRTHDAY!

Sloan: *sigh* A yarn bouquet. Very cute...I thought you were gonna use that glass vase you bought?
Julia: I did, dummy! I wrapped it! IN YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN! *cheering* CRAFT-ING! CRAFT-ING!

Sloan: *runs bathtub*

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

And That's the Story of Julia and Sloan's Divorce

Julia: So, I want to show everybody the necklaces I've been making lately. But I don't want to put up narcissistic pictures of myself wearing them...and I had an idea.
Sloan: I am not modeling your necklaces.
Sloan:  It won't be as funny as you think it will be. Maybe this is an idea you should sleep on, Julia.
Julia: I thought of it this morning and have been thinking about it all day!! That is the same thing as sleeping on it!
Sloan: No. I'm trying to write a paper anyway.
Julia: *hops up and down* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.*gathers necklaces* Everyone will think we are so quirky!!
Sloan: *begins unbuttoning pants*
Sloan: *pulls shirt off*
Sloan: *silently sits in underwear* *continues typing*
Julia: *gets shirt from closet* *puts shirt over Sloan's head* Ya just need... to...*struggling* put your arms...through the sleeves. *heavy breathing*
Sloan: *silent, unmoving*
Julia: *focused* Just...pull your arm...through...*sigh* Okay fine. I'll just take it like this. *puts necklace over head* *click*
Julia: COME ON. If you cooperated, we could have been done by now!
Sloan: This is stupid. I'm busy.
Julia: Everyone will think you are so funny and carefree! Not to mention hilarious!
Sloan: *increasingly agitated* I've already told you five times. You need to listen to me.
Julia: *clenches fists* Slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooan! *serious face* You need to lighten up.
Sloan: Fine. Whatever. *puts shirt on* *continues writing paper*

Julia: Yes! *click* These look good baby!
Sloan: Don't talk to me.
Julia *struggles to take necklace off Sloan's neck*
Sloan: I am trying to write a paper. Stop this.

 Julia: Okay, time for an artistic, jaunty closeup! *click*

Julia: Over exposure!! *click*

Julia: And there's the last one! Baby? I noticed you haven't talked to me for, like, twenty minutes.
Sloan: *silence*

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Wrote the Word "Blog" 17 Times.

I don't really talk about my blog on my blog (aka meta-blogging) because...well...I don't ever have anything to say about it existentially. It just is. And that's okay.

I think Albert Markovski said it best when he addressed a rock he found on the ground: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need. 

I feel that way about this blog.

However, something odd is happening lately. People have been going out of their way to tell me that they don't read my blog. Now, this makes me happy in the sense that I must be approachable enough that people can unsolicitedly tell me that they do not read my blog. I really value candid people and I don't assume anyone reads this besides my family.

However...I have an ip tracker, which means plainly that I already know if you read my blog or not. And when someone tells me they don't read it, but I know they actually stop by the page a few times a week, I wonder if that means people feel uncomfortable talking to me.

Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of face-saving. There have been many times when I have forwarded my nonchalance in true hipster fashion by catching on to the latest anti-trend. I pretend like I hate things like Banana Republic and Tom Clancy books. I ironically eat at Denny's, I wear uncomfortably tight pants and geriatric sweaters. So, honestly, no need to tell me you don't read my blog, because I agree that blogs are so uncool! They are the worst!! Even though the odds are if I know you in any way, I read yours.

I have a feeling that my mom and anyone else over 30 won't understand what I'm talking about. "Why would someone tell you they don't read your blog when they really do? That seems silly!" I'll give an example: I know a person who is very self-aware. He/She likes Salinger and  horn-rimmed glasses. Once, while I was hanging out with this friend, he/she referenced a story that I had written on my blog, but quickly followed it up in a dismissive tone, "I mean, I don't read your blog. Someone else told me about the story." However, I know that he/she hits up the blog almost daily (WHICH IS NORMAL AND FINE, I DO THIS WITH MANY BLOGS BELONGING TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW AT ALL). This happens to me a lot if the blog ever comes up in conversation, which is not often (I mean it's not like I'm paying my friends some sort of  30% straight commission to make mention of my blog in their daily conversations, and then following up on their leads with a phone call and written report. Ha! That's insane!)

So I just want you guys to know some things. It's okay if you read this. It's okay if you don't. It's okay if you print out each entry and place it in a leather binder titled "Julia and Sloan 4 Life." It's okay if it's just a manila envelope. It's okay if you aren't reading this right now. It's okay if you don't even know what the internet is used for. It's all okay. When it comes to my accepting and loving people, I care much more about things like their physical attractiveness and annual income than whether they take an interest in my blog.

Monday, November 1, 2010


A summary of the past week in acrostic:

Threw Mikyn a birthday party. A birthday party that was in no way similar to Sloan's (Figs. 1-3).
Halloween party + Halloween party + Halloween party = Friday, Saturday, Sunday (Figs. 4 & 5).
Estimated that about 50 trick-or-treaters would come to our door...
Passed out candy to eight trick-or-treaters.
Ate approximately 3500 calories daily (85% from various cheeses).
Stalked be-costumed babies all over Orem/Provo!!
Tried to eat fresh vegetables, but instead...threw them away.
Wore my coat for the first time this season (Fits like a glove when I suck in! I still got it!).
Ended a two week nap dryspell. *phew* Never doing THAT again.
Earned a sincere compliment from a gas station attendant regarding my...pants.
Kicked off a game of Scattergories at Russell's despite EVERYONE'S resentment and non-cooperation!

Figure 1

Figure 2

Figure 3
Figure 4: Polygamist's wife

Figure 5: Some frat guy at a toga party