Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What No One Told Me About Owning My Own Baby

  • Your baby will constantly try to French kiss you.
  • You will pick your baby's nose a lot.
  • Your baby will fart on your hand when you're holding him and you're not allowed to drop him.
  • Your baby will sneeze on your face.
  • Your baby won't act any differently during the moments leading up to a major barf. A surprise every time.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Darth is Older!

Sloan: What are ya, doin baby? You've been on the computer for a long time.
Julia: I'm editing a picture from Darth's birthday party! I'm gonna scrapbook it!!
Sloan: Oh, good for you! Let me see.
Julia: ...well, okay. But keep in mind, I'm not quite done.
Sloan: Ah, I'm sure it looks grea--oh.


Julia: You like it? *happy clap* I'll print one out for Darth!!!

P.S. I want you to notice that Mikyn, Sloan, and Ed are all blowing on their noisemakers absentmindedly and unencouraged. They just love to party that much.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Brisen

This baby girl is my bestie. Sort of. Kind of. Ugh I don't know it's complicated.

Smile!
Smile!!
Smiiiiiiiile!
Fine.We'll just be serio-
Ahahahaha ya got me!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Playing on Repeat

When he's in a good mood, Ward kind of plays on a loop. He does three of his favorite things: try to sit up, grab his feet, talk to his diaper bag. These also happen to be Sloan's favorite things to do. Genetics!

 

(I don't know where Ward got the idea to do crunches all day. He can't sit upright by himself anyway, so I don't know what his endgame is.)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Bainbridge Island 101

Sloan is from a place called Alaska. But his parents moved to Seattle when was seven because, lol Alaska? No thanks.

*cue relaxing tourism music* The Rehder family lives on Bainbridge Island, which is a 35 minute ferry ride from downtown Seattle. It's a charming place full of people who are welcoming and open-minded...but also kind of bananas.

Ya see, I consider myself somewhat liberal; I think health care should be free, that the disadvantaged be given advantages, and I think Stephen Colbert is funny even when I don't totally understand what he's talking about. The people of Bainbridge, however, kind of make me look like Ann Coulter in comparison. This is mostly due to the fact that a lot of people in the Pacific Northwest in general tend to think the environment is more important than people.*

Everyone dresses like they're in a 1998 Land's End catalog, which is cute. They have a cute little downtown and a cute little high school and cute little roads that are overrun with mindless cyclist revolutionaries. Which is also just so cute. Because bicycles need rights too! As many rights as cars, in fact, and people need to learn that cyclists own the road just as much as-BAHAHAHAHA, sorry. I kept that one going as long as I could.
Oh, the Man won't like this...
Stick it to him!
No hurry, though.
Besides riding their bikes slowly in front of motorists, the people of BI do other meaningful things, like protesting the presence of a cell phone tower and spray painting YOU'RE KILLING BAINBRIDGE on construction barriers that surround new building sites. 

Don't get me wrong, I really like Bainbridge. In fact, it's one of my favorite places to go (and I've been to Hawaii!) However, I need to write this post in order to make room in my soul for our upcoming trip. I booked our Christmas vacay plane tickets for the wrong week of my work PTO. And because I didn't check on those details until WELP YESTERDAY, plans have changed slightly and now we are spending two whole weeks in Seattle for Christmas! Again, let me state that I really like going to Sloan's house for the holidays. However, being anywhere for two weeks means I'm gonna be coming up with some pretty memorable insults about that place by the end of my stay. So as a means of prevention, I need to get all of the Seattle jokes off my chest before we leave. Here we go:
  • I just flew in last night and BOY are my arms tired!!
  • And what's the deal with the Space Needle? It's not a needle! And it's not even in SPACE! AmIright?
  • ...so then I said, "Lady! This is Bainbridge Island! We practically invented eco-terrorism!"
  • Knock knock! Who's there? RAIN! Rain who? IT'S RAININ', I TELL YA!
  • I saw this little guy on the ferry the other day without any pants on! So I says to him, "Look, I know you're a dog and everything, but a little respect!"
  • Also...Clam chowder, right folks? Where's the chowder? Sheesh!
That's all for this evening, ladies and gentlemen! 

THANKYOUANDGOODNIGHT. *bow*


* I have a rant related to this principle, but I put it at the end because if there's one thing my mom taught me, it was that if I want to rant about something in the middle of a blog post, I should just put an asterisk in and continue that part as a footnote to the post so as not to lose my audience in the middle of the original story. Mom, you always give the best advice!

Anyway: Some of you may be saying in response to that last sentence: "What? Caring for the environment and caring for people are one in the same, Julia!" I know, I know. Sort of true, but there are plenty of times when the long term necessities of nature are diametrically opposed to the short term needs of the people. And the people should win. This is the reason that aggressive environmentalists seem like major time wasters to me.

Hear me out.

Now, I know this is not totally sound reasoning, but why can't we as a world get on the same page when it comes to righting wrongs? Let's address the same problem all at once. That way, we can knock that stuff off our list much faster. And the environment is not at the top of that list. Can any ethical person honestly say that preventing the killing of a human is less urgent than preventing the cutting down a forest? Now, I know how things can get out of hand, I've seen Avatar. But why get all protesty about genetically-altered crops when you could be spending that time getting all protesty about politically-fueled starvation and famine and murder? If your time and money could be going to refugees' starving babies, then protesting the far-future ramifications of a robust corn that can feed millions of people can wait until we a have little downtime. And don't worry, if someday this corn has morphed into a sentient plant monster that eats entire villages in an afternoon, then we will definitely address that issue. Promise! In the meantime, stop marching in front of the grocery store with signs about Frankenfruits and do something more important for our current world state. Once we get the genocide and civil war displacement stuff taken care of, then we can work on stuff like the environment, the arts, and all of the other sincerely noble causes in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is, before you do something important, do something more important. Like writing a poorly-trafficked blog about your weird husband and moderately-cute baby.

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's Friday? This is How We Do.

1. Roll into Texas Roadhouse at 4:50 pm like we own the place, slam back some Sprites. Order the ribs. Maybe some potato skins? Who knows.
2. Pack dat baby in the stroller and get our stroll on at the mall. Straight up.
3. Stand around in Baby Gap and complain about their prices. They triflin.
4. Meet up with Santa to holla at ya boy.
How you livin' Santa? Straight.
5. Pack up. Roll out.

"I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing" - Homer Simpson

I don't really "cook," per se. I do heat things up (the culinary term is "nuke"). I can also stack my edibles (sandwiching), and I have been known to combine two cereals in the same bowl once or twice in my life. *brushes shoulder off* There is also one other thing I can make: cinnamon and sugar pretzel bites.


PRETZEL BITES



I SAID

PRETZEL BITES.


PRET


ZEL


BITES

Let me tell you a little story about pretzel bites.

The other day I was on a walk enjoying the majestic beauty of the snow-capped mountains when I thought it would be fun to have-OKAY I ATE ALL OF THE PRETZEL BITES. THERE I SAID IT. I MADE TWO DOZEN (THAT'S 24) AND ATE THEM ALL BEFORE SLOAN WOKE UP FROM HIS HOUR-LONG NAP I AM DISGUSTING AND HAVE NO SELF CONTROL AND  THAT'S WHAT WE DO IN AMERICA.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

And Today's Specials...

Sometimes, when he's feeling fancy, Ward wears his tuxedo shirt. Sloan thinks it makes Ward look like a waiter.

...so duct taping a paper plate to this baby's tiny hand is naturally the next step.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Unstoppable

I'm about six pounds away from reaching my pre-pregnancy weight, and maybe I've been a little overambitious about getting back into my old clothes. Here is my experience told based off of the Challenge Accepted meme.








Friday, December 9, 2011

Craftmaster

So a quick summary of the past couple of weeks: we got a Christmas tree and Ward rolled over and I did some laundry and there was this wind storm and Sloan made it into dental school or whatever but the BIG NEWS is that I made a hat! I made a hat! I made a hat from yarn! It was a beanie for Ward! And I didn't need any help! Just me, my yarn, and that lady on Youtube with her slow-motion crocheting videos! 

I know in the picture the beanie looks just a little too big, but it's not. HAHA NOT AT ALL. He looks so normal in it and everything because it's so NOT too big for him!! LOL in fact it might be a little too small! Yeah! Way too small! It squeezes his little head so hard that his ears have stopped growing!! HAHA so it's definitely not too big okay?! 

 

And no it never rolls up in weird ways that would make him look like a baby KGB agent or a tiny newsboy. That'd be totally stupid! And we wouldn't take him out in public with that sort of hat on!

But, if for some reason, we did take him out to a restaurant wearing his creepy hat, we'd probably give him some ice water through a straw to see how he liked it. But I don't even know why we're talking about this because that would never happen!!