Friday, January 28, 2011
Here's my dad! He's so happy!
It's because he's a dentist. Unfortunately, inside of me is the mystical belief that dentists are actually the minions of Satan sent here to do his wicked bidding. Just kidding! Not really.
When people are like, "Oh your dad's such a good dentist! He's hilarious!" or "I saw your dad last week, he's the best!" do you know how I reply? Jesus would have never been a dentist. That means something.
When I was growing up, when I thought about dad at home it was, "Dad! Tee hee! Love him!" However, whenever I had a dental appointment with him, he transformed.
The Scene: Dad's dental office. Mom is with me, everyone else is pretty much gone because it's lunch time.
Mom: Okay, baby girl, you're gonna be fine. Daddy just needs to fill one cavity this time! *happy face* And now that you've already gone to the bathroom three time since we arrived, I just know that we won't have to change your clothes halfway through the procedure this time. *reassuring pat on back* How's that for great?!
Julia: I think the teapots have finally lost their battle, mother.
Mom: *concerned face*
Julia: And forever will they be enslaved to those wretched mermen of the united sea colonies. *eyes roll back*
Mom: Oh baby, are you hallucinating again? And you're so sweaty! The doctor said that your anxiety-induced visions would subside on the new medication...*gets out handkerchief*
Dad: Alright baby! Come on back, I'll make this quick. Juju?
Mom: I think you might have to carry her again, honey.
Dad: I'm getting too old for this. SHE'S getting too old for this. *grunt* You're not getting lighter, baby. If you're old enough to wear a bra, shouldn't you be old enough to walk to the operatory?
Julia: *incoherent mumbling*
Dad: If you say that you're speaking Sanskrit this time, I WON'T BELIEVE YOU. Fool me once, shame on you...
Julia: *whisper* It's Old Norse *pathetic cough* This chair...it's so...cold.
Dad: Nope. It's not. *pulls on gloves* Okay, open up, baby....Open. Julia Miriam, open your mouth. *plugs Julia's nose*
Dad: There we go...Okay, this is gonna go really fast, baby. *gets out instruments*
Julia: MOOOOOOAN. No, Daddy! GAAAAAAH. Don't, please! It's going to...IT HURTS!! AAAAAAAAAAGH! *waves arms wildly*
Dad: Stop it. STOP IT. This is only the suction tube!
Julia: DEAR LORD HELP MEEEEEEE. *gurgle*
Dad: I'm not even touching you right now! What are you gurgling?
Julia: *leans forward* BLOOD! MY MOUTH IS FULL OF BLOOD!!! *vomits into spit sink*
Dad: ...That looks less like blood and more like the mint chocolate chip ice cream I JUST bought! I thought I told your mother not to let you eat anything before you came. She knows how you get worked up.
Julia: I LOST MY GLASSES! WHERE ARE MY GLASSES? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING? I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD ALL OVER MEEEE.
Dad: Baby, stop screaming. Look at me. *grabs Julia's shoulders* There is no blood anywhere. And your mother has your glasses, because remember how last time you bit them in half out of fury afterI cleaned your teeth last month? Now, are you going to calm down so I can do this? I haven't even put the suction tube in your mouth yet.
Julia: *looks dad in the eye* You would never do this to me if you loved me. *narrows eyes* Never.
Dad: ...and we're going to take you to a pediatric dentist.