Friday, January 21, 2011

Prenatal Care

Dr: Well, well, Julia! *pulls off gloves*  The exam is over and you look great! 
Julia: Thanks! *sitting up* I straightened my hair this morning!
Dr: Ah...yes, your hair does look nice. But I was talking about your...uh, your uterus. 
Julia: Oh, well thanks. *shoulder shrug* Good genes, I guess.
Dr: *sitting down* So, do you have any questions for me this week about the pregnancy?
Julia: Yeah, actually. *pulls out notepad* I wrote them down.
Dr: Great!
Julia: Let's see...*reading* Can the baby hear my farts?
Dr: *furrowed brow* Well...*readjusts chair* I suppose it probably could, when its hearing develops well enough...
Julia: GAWD I was afraid you'd say that. *hangs head* Humiliating.
Dr: *silence*
Julia: *clears throat* Next question! Is there any reliable way to predict if the baby is going to be really pretty like me, or just kind of boring-looking, like Sloan?
Dr: What? No, I don't think so.
Julia: *eye roll* Figures.*reading* How will I know if the fetus wants to tell me something if it can't even talk?
Dr: Want something? Like, if it's hungry?
Julia: Sure! Or if it's wondering if the movie I'm watching is, in fact, as violent as it sounds. A lot of times, fight scenes sound worse than they really are. 
Dr. I don't know--
Julia: *huff* WHAT'S NEW. Next question: How hard can I work out when I'm pregnant?
Dr: Ah, good question. You need to keep your heart rate--
Julia: JUST KIDDING! *chuckle* Now this one is important: is it considered acceptable parenting if I only put the baby in baby costumes after it's born?
Dr: Baby costumes? Like a costume to make the baby look like a baby?
Julia: *pats doctor on back* I figured this would be a little confusing for you to understand. *speaks slowly* I mean costumes that fit on babies. I brought a couple of pictures. *pulls out binder* Now, take this marker, and put an X over anything that you don't think would look that cute. Put a star by everything that could be considered church appropriate. I'll come back at 3 to pick this up.


 

6 comments:

  1. gaaaaaaaaaah.
    Those got progressively cuter as they went on. My goodness.

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  2. I am CRYING because I laughed so hard!!! And congrats. I am moving right next door to you before this baby is born. I can't wait for Julia #2!!

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  3. too funny! Seriously. They should pay you for this.

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  4. I started coughing I was laughing so hard

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