Monday, February 28, 2011

Ultra...sound?

Ultrasound Lady: Okay, mommy, are ya ready?
Julia: *fist pump* Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! Ultra-SOUND! Ultra-SOUND!
Ultrasound Lady: Wow! That's...enthusiasm!
Sloan: Baby, you're embarrassing me.
Julia: ULTRA-SOUND! ULTRA-SOOOOOOOOOUND!!
Ultrasound Lady: *squirt* Okay, here we go. Here's your baby! SO cute!
Sloan: *head tilt* Awwww....?
Julia: What angle is this from?
Ultrasound Lady: Oh, it's the baby's profile! Here, I'll readjust. Here is the top of its head!
Ultrasound Lady: Oooh! Look at that little noggin! And you can see the little hands up by the ears...
Julia: Haaaaands....*squint* Cuuuuuute? *sideways glance at Sloan*
Ultrasound Lady: Here are the little legs!!!!
Ultrasound Lady: Aaaaaaand, here's the big moment. Look right here....you can see the sex....see?? Congratulations!
Sloan: *confused happy clap* Yaaaay...? *squint*

EDIT: Oh, yeah. It's a boy. My little man and I are going to have a littlest man.

Sweet Tooth in the Land of Technology

Last week at work, I was asked to start holding a series of meetings with a few of the engineers that none of us would really like to attend. Because I had to be the bearer of bad news, I decided to drop by a local bakery on my way to the office and bring the developers some delicious pastries to win over their simple little computer-loving hearts (kinda like bringing pizza to a sophomore English class).

DELISH! AmIright? I took this picture when I got into the office and attached it in an email so that I could lure them to the conference room. I had already eaten two cookies in the car.

At the meeting...
Nerdy Programmer: Yeeeeeeeeeees! Thanks, Julia!
Julia: *mumble* *grunt*
Soviet Programmer: You holdeeng two croissants een...each haynd?
Julia: *chewing* What? No! *throws croissants under table* I was holding them for Bashful...
Bashful Programmer: You have...some...powdered sugar...*gestures toward chin*
Julia: Oh, hehe! Thanks *wipes off chin*
Bashful Programmer: And, um...*gestures toward cheek*
Julia: *rubs cheek with sleeve* Oh man, I am just a mess! *folds cannoli in half, shoves in mouth*
Bashful Programmer: And, you have some on your back....somehow...
Snarky Programmer: How long have you been alone with these pastries, Julia? Looks like there has been a lot of damage done.
Julia: *chewing* *evil eye*
Snarky Programmer: Well? It looks like there are some distinctive donut grease prints in the box...but no donuts...
Julia: *throws hands up in the air* Well it looks like Snarky isn't getting any baked goods! Anyone else wanna make a comment? What about you, Bashful? Nerdy?
Snarky Programmer: *huff*
Bashful Programmer: *stares at feet*
Soviet Programmer: Een Moskva, I make feesh rolls! I breeng some next meeting!
Julia: There we go! That's the spirit!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Unchanged

It should probably raise some sort of red flag (but it doesn't) whenever I hear Sloan in the bathtub singing/rapping to himself for extended periods of time. Or sitting in the bed free styling. Or in the car. In the kitchen. You get what I'm saying.

This time, however, my little man actually recorded himself, laid his adorable r&b track over the beat from the I am T-Pain app, and presented it to me: http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/1/1254662?did=9748391

So, if you listened carefully, you may have gleaned from the lyrics some false information. Sloan seems to be implying that I have, somehow, not been acting like my usual, irresistible self since becoming plump with his seed. This is a misjudgment on his part. I am fun and happy! And JOLLY.

Fun
Happy
Jolly
Always have been, always will be.

Let us remember that not all behavior is indicative of one's true disposition. Just because I bathe erratically, clean erratically, and eat not erratically doesn't make me anything but the same old Julia!!! And if you're wondering, I have always called Sloan things like "detestable ogre" and "morally corrupt poptart;" that's nothing new. And honestly, I have been flipping off bad drivers since I was a kid. Also, my affinity for tripping the elderly in public is just some weird quirk, everybody has 'em right? And you should know that the kitten-skinning incident a few weeks ago was seriously just a one time thing (don't ask ME why some people find it so satisfying). And, finally, no...there is not a homeless person stuffed in my TRUNK! I am offended by the mere insinuation.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

It's a...

Last Friday, I woke up knowing that my destiny would be laid out for me that day. Just to clarify, not when I woke up in the morning. And not when I woke up after my lunch break. No, it wasn't until I woke up from my late-afternoon nap under my desk at work that I knew my fate would be revealed. Well, part of my fate...I don't know how I'm going to die or what happens in the afterlife or anything. But the part of my fate that involves the sex of my first child. That part of the Julia's Fate timeline was to be laid out for me on Friday. ANYWAY. It's because I bought a product on the cutting edge of medical technology, The Intelligender: 
Don't feel like a cynic if you are skeptical of this product. It's hard to imagine that science can tell me if I'm having a boy or girl early in my pregnancy just by my peeing in a cup, when that same science hasn't yet solved the ancient mysteries of unicorns, el nino, or herpes. But this product, my friends, has been tested in labs!! So says the box: In our initial laboratory trials and two subsequent independent trials, the IntelliGender Gender Prediction Test was proven 90% accurate. Bam! As with any important theoretical breakthroughs, there are detractors; doctors who are hellbent on forwarding their own "agenda" to reverse the progression of HAPPINESS and LIFE and TECHNOLOGY and FREEDOM OF SPEECH. Such snakes say the test has the accuracy of a coin flip. A "farce" and "totally unsupported." "Nobody has published anything on this in authenticated literature. I think it's a toy. It doesn't seem, to me, to have any scientific logic behind it."  Well THANKS for your input, Dr. Rob Norman of the University of Adelaide, but let's not forget that you're from Australia. I think I've made my point. 

In fact, on the box it also says...oh, wait...Our product is designed to be a fun, affordable process for "Moms to be" to participate in and should not be the basis for any future medical or financial decisions. ...but...90% is pretty high, right? If your gender result proves to be wrong and you feel that this will in any way cause emotional stress, our GPT may not be for you.....I just thought that this would mean...I could rely...IntelliGender does not recommend making any financial, emotional or family planning decisions based on the test results. This includes painting a nursery!

Oh DETAILS. Anyway, I bought it at Walgreen's and went straight home! I knew Sloan would be jazzed to find out this early what the baby was.

The Scene: Our house.

Julia: *swings front door open* Baaaaaay-beeeeeeeeee!?!?! Look what I goooooooooooot! *shakes Intelligender box*
Sloan aka Johnny Raincloud: *studying on couch* Where did you get that. *poker face*
Julia: Walgreen's! It's going to tell us if we're having a BOY or a GIRL!!! *happy clap*
Johnny Raincloud: *sigh* How much did that cost?
Julia: *pregnancy mood swing* Why do you have to ruin everything, seriously? I was so excited to do this. You don't even care about this, do you? *storms into bathroom*
Johnny Raincloud: *knocks on door* Come on, baby. What are you doing in there?
Julia: I'M LIVING A HAPPY LIFE BY MYSELF SINCE YOU DON'T WANT TO JOIN ME.
Johnny Raincloud: Well, I'm coming in...*opens door*
Julia: *standing at bathroom counter holding cup* It says I have to wait exactly five minutes before I look at the color. Orange is a girl, green is a boy.
*five minutes later*
Johnny Raincloud: *head tilting sideways* Hmmm...I think it's green? No, wait. Huh? I never thought that I would be so confused as to whether a color was orange or green. Aren't those, like, opposites?
Julia: *squinting* And holding it up to the light just confused me even more...is it...do I see some blue in there? *sigh*
Johnny Raincloud: I can't believe you paid money for this stupid test. I am so annoyed with you. I would have never let you buy this if-
Julia: If WHAT? If you were married to me? If you earned the money?
Johnny Raincloud: NO, if I were at the store with you!
Julia: I can do whatever I want! I would have still bought it if you were there! I DO WHAT I WANT. *storms into bedroom*
Johnny Raincloud: *walks into bedroom with dryer sheet* *rips sheet in half, places on the bed, sweeps it off the bed*
Julia: What are you doing? And why are you staring at me with crazy eyes??
Johnny Raincloud: *again, rips sheet in half, places on the bed, then sweeps it off the bed* *repeat*
Julia: I GET IT OKAY. IT WAS A RIP OFF. Stop your CREEPY miming!!!
Johnny Raincloud: *smirk*

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

BREAKING NEWS

I like science now! Sure, I failed physical science in college because I slept under my desk most days. And yeah, maybe in my younger, immature years did I boil my chemistry teacher's bunny rabbit in order to muscle a passing grade out of him. Oh, man. Adolescence! 

Anyway, misgivings and felonies aside, NOW I LIKE SCIENCY THINGS! Like molecules!

Meet methane! 
Coochy coochy coo!! Awww! 
This is all of the cute (and real!) parts of methane (smiley face, purple!) without the nasty science-person parts (smell, microscopic). HEY ARE YA THIRSTY FOR MORE?


Water!! or as I like to say, WATAAAAAH!
2 CUUUUUUUTE!!

Sure, chemistry has been called the tool of the atheists, BUT OMG IS THAT CYTOSINE??!!!
What is cytosine? WHAT IS THIS, THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Chemistry isn't my only science-crush, I love ROCKET SCIENCE!
"To infinity and beyond!" - Neil Armstrong

Mummy-related science!!
Archeology?


Cybernetics!!!

Oops! Wha? How  did THAT get there? Must be...like...a virus! Or something...ANYWAY

Cybernetics!


Beep boop is right!!


...and last but not least, Ornithology!
Just kidding. I hate birds. I mean, just look at these dummies. Look at them.

Welp, this is the beginning of triumphant journey back into science and reason! Stay tuned for my next installment titled, "Why I Now Like Scarves, Gloves, and Other Winter Accessories."