Thursday, February 10, 2011

It's a...

Last Friday, I woke up knowing that my destiny would be laid out for me that day. Just to clarify, not when I woke up in the morning. And not when I woke up after my lunch break. No, it wasn't until I woke up from my late-afternoon nap under my desk at work that I knew my fate would be revealed. Well, part of my fate...I don't know how I'm going to die or what happens in the afterlife or anything. But the part of my fate that involves the sex of my first child. That part of the Julia's Fate timeline was to be laid out for me on Friday. ANYWAY. It's because I bought a product on the cutting edge of medical technology, The Intelligender: 
Don't feel like a cynic if you are skeptical of this product. It's hard to imagine that science can tell me if I'm having a boy or girl early in my pregnancy just by my peeing in a cup, when that same science hasn't yet solved the ancient mysteries of unicorns, el nino, or herpes. But this product, my friends, has been tested in labs!! So says the box: In our initial laboratory trials and two subsequent independent trials, the IntelliGender Gender Prediction Test was proven 90% accurate. Bam! As with any important theoretical breakthroughs, there are detractors; doctors who are hellbent on forwarding their own "agenda" to reverse the progression of HAPPINESS and LIFE and TECHNOLOGY and FREEDOM OF SPEECH. Such snakes say the test has the accuracy of a coin flip. A "farce" and "totally unsupported." "Nobody has published anything on this in authenticated literature. I think it's a toy. It doesn't seem, to me, to have any scientific logic behind it."  Well THANKS for your input, Dr. Rob Norman of the University of Adelaide, but let's not forget that you're from Australia. I think I've made my point. 

In fact, on the box it also says...oh, wait...Our product is designed to be a fun, affordable process for "Moms to be" to participate in and should not be the basis for any future medical or financial decisions. ...but...90% is pretty high, right? If your gender result proves to be wrong and you feel that this will in any way cause emotional stress, our GPT may not be for you.....I just thought that this would mean...I could rely...IntelliGender does not recommend making any financial, emotional or family planning decisions based on the test results. This includes painting a nursery!

Oh DETAILS. Anyway, I bought it at Walgreen's and went straight home! I knew Sloan would be jazzed to find out this early what the baby was.

The Scene: Our house.

Julia: *swings front door open* Baaaaaay-beeeeeeeeee!?!?! Look what I goooooooooooot! *shakes Intelligender box*
Sloan aka Johnny Raincloud: *studying on couch* Where did you get that. *poker face*
Julia: Walgreen's! It's going to tell us if we're having a BOY or a GIRL!!! *happy clap*
Johnny Raincloud: *sigh* How much did that cost?
Julia: *pregnancy mood swing* Why do you have to ruin everything, seriously? I was so excited to do this. You don't even care about this, do you? *storms into bathroom*
Johnny Raincloud: *knocks on door* Come on, baby. What are you doing in there?
Julia: I'M LIVING A HAPPY LIFE BY MYSELF SINCE YOU DON'T WANT TO JOIN ME.
Johnny Raincloud: Well, I'm coming in...*opens door*
Julia: *standing at bathroom counter holding cup* It says I have to wait exactly five minutes before I look at the color. Orange is a girl, green is a boy.
*five minutes later*
Johnny Raincloud: *head tilting sideways* Hmmm...I think it's green? No, wait. Huh? I never thought that I would be so confused as to whether a color was orange or green. Aren't those, like, opposites?
Julia: *squinting* And holding it up to the light just confused me even more...is it...do I see some blue in there? *sigh*
Johnny Raincloud: I can't believe you paid money for this stupid test. I am so annoyed with you. I would have never let you buy this if-
Julia: If WHAT? If you were married to me? If you earned the money?
Johnny Raincloud: NO, if I were at the store with you!
Julia: I can do whatever I want! I would have still bought it if you were there! I DO WHAT I WANT. *storms into bedroom*
Johnny Raincloud: *walks into bedroom with dryer sheet* *rips sheet in half, places on the bed, sweeps it off the bed*
Julia: What are you doing? And why are you staring at me with crazy eyes??
Johnny Raincloud: *again, rips sheet in half, places on the bed, then sweeps it off the bed* *repeat*
Julia: I GET IT OKAY. IT WAS A RIP OFF. Stop your CREEPY miming!!!
Johnny Raincloud: *smirk*

5 comments:

  1. I tell everyone this story! It's the best ever.

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  2. I can't believe Sloan let you buy that kit. Those things are just stupid. Now,I have been working with a biochemist here from St. Jude and we have come up with a kit everyone will want. Really it is two kits. One if your baby is a boy and the other if your baby is a girl. So you have to know already. The boy kit will show if he has tendencies to be a football, baseball or basketball player and of course we will sell packages to go with it with starter accessories for whichever sport he will be proficient in. That way you can get a jump start on that college scholarship. For girls the test will show if she has tendencies toward cheerleading ( as Hannah's showed) or shopping or loving books. And of course the accessory packages would have either cheerleading costumes with pom-poms included or little fake visa cards and shopping bags or a collection classical kiddie books. We hope to have these out by this summer but I can get you a promotional copy as soon as you know what you are having. Love you babe.

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  3. But seriously...when will you find out if it's a boy or a girl...i gotta get sewing baby cuteness!

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  4. I'm excited for you guys to find out the gender!!!!!!!
    too bad that thing didn't work.

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