Thursday, March 10, 2011

J. M. Rehder, Apologist

I like the idea of being an apologist, mainly partly because it's a serious and philosophical-sounding word, like sophomoric or italicized. There are plenty of things that everyone around me finds unacceptable or even abhorrent, when in fact, they haven't really deserved all the haters. Now, I'm not exactly certain what the definition of apologist is, but I'm guessing it's close to being, like, a really innovative and inspiring person who everyone thinks is really pretty and that is really good at making people see that they were thinking dumb things before he or she came around to help them out. Maybe like Moses or Nancy Kerrigan. Anyway, TIME FOR SOME APOLOGIES:

Unliked Things That Should Maybe Get Liked

Snooki: I'm willing to bet that most people who hate Jersey Shore have not, in fact seen it. I believe this for two reasons: 1. If you saw it, you'd love it. 2. Cable is expensive these days, and who seriously wants to pay $80 a month for 40 channels? Snooki is short and non-white, and while that certainly merits some loathing, look beyond those things into her soul. You'll be surprised to find that the Snooks is pretty nice. She goes out of her way to help her friends out, she doesn't pick fights, and she only gets nasty when some upstate trash starts tussling with her friends. And she's sort of an alcoholic, but I don't think it takes much to get drunk when you're 4'9. I'll bet gargling mouthwash alone puts her in dangerous territory, so how can we blame her for being anything but little-sized?

Used Items (this is in no relation to the person mentioned above): It blows my mind how many people are utterly disgusted by used clothes, car seats, blankets, furniture, etc. Do they, um, know that things can be washed? And, more importantly, do people in America know that the vast majority of communicable diseases can't just hang out on a used, inanimate object, laying in wait to sabotage the next human who comes in contact with it? Except for like poison ivy...or AIDS. Juuuust kidding, you can't get AIDS from that stuff! And isn't that, like the worst thing you could get? So good news, folks, if you're frightened that a pillow at the thrift store is waiting to inject its pillow AIDS into you, you're in the clear! I don't want to even estimate how many items are thrown away because no one wants to use used things, it's truly despicable. I'm not saying eat used things, or take them into an operating room with you, and I'm not saying rub used things all over your child's face. I'm just saying USE THEM as they're meant to be USED and God will smile down from above at his humble and industrious people.

Dog shows: I know it may not compare to the masculinity of a good, looooooooong fishing program, but dog shows are crammed with adorable DOGGIES that have interesting haircuts and stand at attention!! Also, who doesn't love to watch their middle-aged owners trying to gracefully trot alongside the dog while dressed in their "special clothes."
Rap/Country Music: When people are asked what sort of music they like (btw, does anyway ask that anymore? Was that just, like, a late nineties thing?) an overwhelming amount say, "Oh I like pretty much everything, except for rap and country." Ah, so you love gospel music? And acid jazz? Viking metal? NO, you don't like everything, you just like Nickelback, Sara Bareilles, and Bruno Mars. FACT: Most people who are musicians/cool/named Julia like lots and loooots of music. In fact, they like so much music, that they'd never dream of excluding an entire genre, especially ones as huge and dynamic as country and rap, which remember, have been around for more than just the past ten years you've been listening to the radio. It may seem a vast and scary place, but step into the lands of Johnny Cash, Garth Brooks, Kanye West, and Mike Jones. Enchantment awaits.

McDonald's: I love this place, and I know most other people do despite their outward efforts to distance themselves from America's original fast food chain. I love Big Macs and I love Quarter-Pounders and the McDonald's fry is the industry standard for deliciousness!! Watching Supersize Me doesn't mean you have to now be a closet McDonald's lover. Just don't binge on fast food until you vomit on a daily basis, like Morgan Spurlock did, and you can still enjoy eating the occasional unhealthy meal! Knowing the ingredients is also essential, in case you're accosted by a hater who demands you explain your nutritional choices to them. Also, MCGRIDDLES!!!!!!
Foreign children in America: Some useless political pundits call them "anchor babies" while some useless normal people call them a nuisance. Babies from foreign countries do things that American babies can't, such as speak in adorable non-English, look ethnic, and wear traditional folk baby clothes. They get my vote. And...a sneaky hug from me, if their parents get distracted looking at coats in the mall.

Utah: Utah is one of the most beautiful and diverse places on earth. And the culture may be a bit stale, but it is certainly in no way oppressive. Let me break it down for those of you who think you hate Utah, when in fact, you just hate telling others that you live there. Utah = Mormons = No fun (omg no alcohol??) = Polygamy jokes = More polygamy jokes. Luckily for you, people who assume Utah is all Mormon, and that all Mormons still dress like the pioneers, happen to be the same people who think that there are only about a thousand Muslims in the world, and that they all live in a cave with Osama bin Laden. Just...let them continue to assume that Catholics and Protestants are the only ones whose religion allows them to drive cars and cut their hair. It helps them through their day.
Cloudy days: The sun, to me, is an omen of a fiery death. I have no desire to behold it's demonic glare. And it makes me all kinds of squinty when I'm just trying to mind my own business.
Jessica Simpson: I love her. She's cute. Why do people hate her? Because she gained weight? Because she's dumb? I don't know about you guys, but if being dumb and fat are the only criteria to elicit hatred en masse, then we are ALL in trouble. Especially the population of Mississippi, if we're to believe the statistics.


  1. I agree with almost all of the above. Except McDonald's ... because I am a Taco Bell kinda girl. Who needs "real" meat, anyway?

  2. She also wrote a book. Legit.

  3. Haha ooooooh jules. how did you know thats what i say to people when they ask me what kind of music i like? only i usually add "hardcore" before the rap because i like other types of rap just not hardcore. Also, though i like used things i dont think i would buy a used pillow.

  4. My sis-in-law bought a used mattress with suspicious looking black dots all over it. And it even had suspicious looking, you know, stains on it. Now she is the brunt of family jokes behind her back. I don't like used things unless I know who used them.

  5. I don't know you, just ended up on your blog, but this is some funny stuff. I agree wholeheartedly about the music, and because I am cool, I tell people I like everything. But to make sure the person I'm talking to knows I'm cool, I have to list a few obscure bands. While I was reading about McDonald's, I was like, "Nope, gotta disagree with her on this one." But then you made your final point (the one about the McGriddles) and you won me over. And I'll just add to that, McD's orange juice. I'm pretty sure those oranges are squeezed in heaven.

  6. Counter-counter-culture! I love it! It's a veritable culture tennis match.

  7. Totally agree with the Utah, McDonalds, and rap/country music; little more hesitant on the Jessica Simpson- in all the Proactive commercials, she just, constantly has hair root growth showing. C'mon...

  8. ok julia! i just have to get on a soap box here. i seriously can't stand it when people who live in utah complain about how awful utah is. from my college experience, it is mostly people from california who spit upon utah and how low class it is compared to their "blessed" california.

    to them i always want to say, "then you must be a real dumb*** for taking up residence in this terrible place. i mean you actually CHOSE to come here. that doesn't make you very smart. i was born here so atleast i'm just ignorant." :) ok. all done. love ya!

    oh and i agree with you on everything, except jessica simpson :) she can't be dumb AND fat. she has to choose :)

  9. Umm...
    1) You are NOT going to sell me on Snooki...The Situation, maybe, but NOT Snooki. ;-)
    2) I love McDonald's all.the.time.
    3) Used stuff is righteous. I draw the line at toothbrushes.
    4) I'm actually fairly certain they took away the right for us Catholic chicks to cut our hair recently...part of our new retro-grading I'm looking for new religion. I'm glad you mentioned the Presbyterians thoughts on hair cutting, I'll try them next.
    5) I'm pretty sure I ONLY listen to country music and rap. How cultured am I?
    6) I love sunshine.

    Xooxxo . Beth (Work) Jones