Friday, April 1, 2011

Verily, Verily

Julia: *singing* Ice screeeeeeam. Ice screeeeeeeeam! I looooooove this stuff called ice screeeeeeeam.
Sloan: Do you like yours, baby?
Julia: BOY DO I!!!!
Sloan: Good. Here, let's sit on this bench, I need to talk to you. *serious face*  First of all, I want you to know that I love you and I think you're doing really great with this whole pregnancy thing.
Julia: I know right? What can I say? I'm easy-going!
Sloan: Yes, but-
Julia: Laaaaid back!
Sloan: Defini-
Julia: I'm like a really pretty girl version of Jack Johnson.
Sloan: Okay, time to open your ears, k honey?
Julia: *zips lip. locks it. throws away key*
Sloan: Good job. I want to talk to you about how you've been...acting lately. You've become really...just...awkward in public. I don't know if it's, like, a hormone thing or what, but-
Julia: *picks up key from the ground, unlocks lips*  Huh? *hurt face*
Sloan: *takes Julia's hand* You've been doing weird things. Like just a few minutes ago, while you were ordering your ice cream from that nice boy. You knocked all of the spoons over on accident. But instead of helping pick them up, you just kicked them everywhere and shouted "SPOON-NAMI!!!!!"
Julia: I was defusing the situation! AND I came up with that word right on the spot!!
Sloan: *sympathetic nod* Yes, it was so, so clever, sweetie. But when no one laughed, you just...said it again. Louder. And you kicked more spoons...Then you tried to high five that woman behind us in line? That was what some people would call an "inappropriate response."
Julia: *uncomfortable* Well, I'll try to make things copacetic.
Sloan: Yeah, also, you've used the word copacetic probably five to ten times a day lately, and only correctly about half of that time. Small things like that can make people feel a little weird around you.
Julia: *pretends to be on phone* Hello, operator? I'm sitting here with a reeeeeal dud right now! Could ya help me out?? *giggle* *elbow jab*
Sloan: See? See what I mean? That didn't really even make sense...people don't call an operator for those kind of things. The joke doesn't work.
Julia: Oh boy! Clean up on aisle five!
Sloan: Again. Wow, are you meaning to...? You know what, never mind. It's not about what you do around me, I'm just worried you're making people uncomfortable, and I know you'd never want that.
Julia: *stops eating ice cream* Excuse me? You think I make people uncomfortable? People LOVE ME!!! Need I remind you that I was voted Wittiest of Houston High  School's Class of 2004??? WITTIEST, SLOAN. You're the one that people don't like. You know why? Because you're creepy!! You creep people out! You're lucky I'm there to help others cope with your creepiness! I'm Jay and you're Silent Bob!!
Sloan: Okay, I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought you'd want to know something like this. I love you either way.
Julia: Ohhhh, so now I'm the bad guy!! You just loooove me even though I'm just a stick in the mud!!
Sloan: That doesn't mean awkward, it means-
Julia: SHUT UP! I'm out of here! In the five minutes you wasted telling me I was uncool, I just got, like fifteen texts from people who want to hang out with me right now! *stands up* So...if you'll drive me home, I'll be on my WAY. *slams car door*


  1. what... did this really happen? if so, you are really aware of your problems

  2. Hehehe, someday he will learn that the pregnant girl is ALWAYS right, in whatever she does, says, thinks, eats, writes, says in her sleep, etc... When HE can grow another human being within HIS body, and all that goes with it (the hips, the nausea, the backaches, the [in your case increased] waddle, and don't get me STARTED on the whole giving birth issue!) the THEN he can say something. No matter HOW weird you may SEEM to come across! POWER TO THE MOMMIES (we gotta stick together!)

  3. Ooh, I love reading your posts. This cracked me up!! Congrats on the pregnancy :D

  4. this post made me feel awkward and uncomfortable.....for SLOAN!

  5. Do your conversations really go down like this? If so that's hilarious.