Thursday, May 12, 2011

Aloha means both? But that makes no sense...?

Tomorrow, I travel to Hawaii.

Today, I get a spray tan.

Yesterday, I cried in three different stores' dressing rooms whilst trying on maternity bathing suits.

Apparently, most pregnant women who are interested in swimming  are built less like me (boobs > belly) and more like Homer Simpson.


My dirty pillows cannot be tamed, I guess, and that is something that Sloan's grandmother, parents, and small nieces are going to have to deal with, along with the residents of Maui (which, I hear, consist mainly of chickens). I will be strong and proud like India.Arie and I will not let this bother me.

I cried a little during prenatal yoga (which essentially, is repeatedly bending over and then standing back up slowly) because the downward facing dog pose has now become I-didn't-know-I-had/could get-cellulite-on-my-knees-pose. Honestly, though, any woman with a strong self-worth would be so annoyed by this blog post, and I SHOULD CARE ABOUT THAT. Especially if she kept reading and learned that my effort to edit some work manuals turned into a two hour journey deep into the archives of Facebook's photos of my beautiful and thin friends, and their beautiful and thin friends. What a waste of a brilliant mind like mine that can add three digit numbers together without using my fingers to carry the ones. 

And so what if I put down my copy of The Feminine Mystique so that I could read InStyle's expose on why women just love chocolate and Oprah so darn much? Isn't that something important to know? 

*sigh* 

What have I turned into? Someone who is so emotionally wrought by Lycra that I sob quietly in a tiny changing stall as Josh Grobin plays on a loudspeaker? Someone who actually and sincerely wishes that her pretty acquaintances would get maimed or otherwise disfigured solely to lower their aesthetic appeal? Might I try to (surreptitiously) emotionally abuse my sisters-in-law to shame them into eating more and stop wearing cute clothes while on our island vacation? A well-placed barb about one's intelligence/demeanor/skin can really be effective in crushing one's confidence to pull off that cute new sun dress. And if that's what it takes to make me look less like a freshly-shaved hobbit, then that's what I'll do.

Oh, honey, no. Don't wear that adorable eyelet dress with those gold sandals. You look terrible.  I didn't want to say it, but somebody had to. Try this muumuu with the Birkenstocks. Much better.

6 comments:

  1. Juju, you look mavulous. Enjoy the trip and do not abuse those girls.

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  2. Ahhh Julia, if only you knew how AMAZING you look pregnant! even in the few pics that you put on the blog a few weeks ago you looked INCREDIBLE! I have known LOTS of people who get to this point in their pregnancy and become just BIG all around, with you it is isolated to an adorable roundness in the middle! (and the boobs, well I got the SAME issue and its irritating when it comes to things like bathing suits but in the end, just enjoy not ever having to consider implants :) you are COMPLETELY gorgeous and have always been worthy of envy simply based on your looks, its just NOT fair that you get to be this witty too!! I hope you have a GREAT time in Hawaii and I can't wait to see lots of pics (with you in them!!)

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  3. The best part of pregnancy :( The big blow to self-esteem. You are so adorable though! And I hate fb for that very reason.

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  4. Although I'm not pregnant, Julia, I do understand your pain of the whole too big-boobed for cute swimming suit thing. I hope you have tons of fun anyway, and seeing the cute black swim suit you're wearing in your facebook picture, I'm not worried about if you found one.

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  5. *virtual hug* wish I could give a real one but I can't quite reach...

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  6. I wish I could go to hawaii!! At least your not nine months with stretch marks in a bathing suit right? No need to complain when you are pregnant, at least you have an excuse, but we can complain together after the baby comes and still look 4 months pregnant:) When I was at my brothers wedding this last december, 2 different people asked me when I was due. I said, "what are you talking about? me?? No, this dress just makes me look fat, plus I am:)"...and walked away depressed:( Just live it up in Hawaii and tell sloan to keep reminding you what a sexy mamma you are!!!

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