Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Gunnin for 50!!!

I haven't hit my third trimester yet. And I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but I've gained 26 pounds. No big deal though because I'm 5'2, which means I hide it quite well. The trick is vertical stripes.
to scale
I'm frowning because my roots are showing,
I have an emerging beard and because I lack
the arms to eat my chips
I know some women say pregnancy is beautiful, that the distortion of an enlarged womb is its own kind of sexy. What? No. Naked pregnant women look gross and weird, even the ones who have a lot of money and really white teeth, like Demi Moore or Angeline Jolie. Icky! And that's okay, my friends. Nature made you sexy in order to lure men into impregnating you in the first place (even though that's not so hard anyway). Once you are pregnant, aesthetics hit the back burner because, listen ho, it's time do some work. For instance, the facilities manager in my building told me that I was tired. "Good God, you look exhausted!! I can see it in your eyes." Well, thank you Jamie, I like you not only because you're observant, but also because you are almost seventy, have a half sleeve, and play Primary songs on your harmonica on Friday afternoons. However, I can't be bothered with your presence. I'm busy looking at my vending machine options whilst flattening a dollar bill, and that has me out of breath.

Attention, all the bewombed: no matter if you get hairy, fat, or suddenly have an Iranian accent (that's normal, yeah?), your body CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH YOUR BUGGIN, it's busy making those sloshy noises in your stomach. Okay?  Even though it means you can't wear pants for a few months, you should gain weight at an aggressive rate, no matter what you hear otherwise from the "professionals." For example, my doctor told me to slow down with the weight gain, but I know he only really said that because I brought a bag of chips to the appointment. I get what he was really trying to say: it's a respect thing, Julia, don't eat salt and vinegar Lays while I take your blood pressure. My bad, Dr. Harward, that's on me. Boundaries.

10 comments:

  1. This was a great post Julia. It makes me miss you! I hope you are doing well.

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  2. HA!

    I love your drawings, Julia.

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  3. Haha I'm sure I'll gain more weight than advised for my height. I already have that problem and I'm not even prego. My sister in law gained 11 lbs with her second child... I don't have anything to live up to or anything.

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  4. You are truly an artist. I've never seen a more perfect self-portrait!

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  5. You have Dr. Harward? He's my doctor too :) Unfortunately, he was outta town when I went into labor, but he delivered my sister-in-law's baby and she loved him! When's your due date? I'm so excited for you. And I love your posts :)

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  6. if you get lonely whilst sloan is away you can always hang with me at the pool.

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  7. I hated being pregnant. Seriously. It's the worst having to rotate between 3 shirts and 2 pants for the last few months. I just wanted to wear what I wanted!! anyway, the baby will be here soon enough and that is the best ever :)

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  8. Hey, it's like a Julia-Sarah party, because I've gained exactly 26 pounds too!! And I can't wear any of my maternity pants anymore, either! How much longer now? three months? THREE MONTHS!?!?

    It's time for a nap. and chocolate. and yes, please, I would like some salt and vinegar chips, too.

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  9. Disregard Lauren's comment (Sorry, Lauren). It is not, in fact, the best ever. It is far worse in some respects. But over the course of a couple of months it gets better and your start to realize that it is, in fact, wonderful.

    Now, you can disregard what I said, since I'm a man and can't really get it anyway.

    In the meantime, get Sloan to rig up a ramp that starts several feet above the couch and ends at your face. He can empty a couple of bags of potato chips onto it each morning and your set for the day! Also, your hands don't get greasy.

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