Thursday, June 30, 2011

Gramps: To the fetus

Hello, littlest man, and welcome to my humble web repository. My, you do look as weird as those other newborns I've seen pictures of on the internet. That's okay, I was ready for that. I'm sure you'll get your confidence once the swelling goes down, assuming that's swelling and not just...face.

Can you give us a smile, little guy?


*sigh* Did you know that I gained 40 pounds to incubate you?

That means I ate on average 2376 calories daily, even though I only really need about 1600. All for you, my little prince.

And you can't even put on a smile?

You know, I also fell out of bed twice while pregnant with you because I made the mistake of trying to sit up and turn at the same time. Do you know how humiliating that feels?

Still nothin, huh?

Well, anyway. I'm writing this open letter to you because I've been having this recurring dream for the past couple of years. In the dream, I have a baby and it's a boy (2 for 2!) and that baby boy looks just like a baby version of my dad (your grandpa).

Since this probably means that you're going to have an especially special bond with my father, I thought I'd take a moment to prepare you for the day you two meet. Just giving you a little background so you don't look like an idiot when you don't know anything about him but he knows all about you. That's tacky.

Now, look over this and we'll talk again in an hour.

Gordon Richard Moore, Jr.

Born July 23 in Dyer County, Tennessee
Hair: Blonde Eyes: Blue
Physical Consitution: Sturdy, Agile
Occupation: Dentist
Hobbies: Playing/Watching sports; Camping; Kayaking; Falling asleep during church/in the pool/during good movies/during okay movies/during bad movies; Frisbee; Croquet.

Other important things to know:
  • Your grandpa has little tolerance for lazy people, except for your Aunt Michelle (it's because she's nice).
  • At times, your grandfather will loudly belt 1-2 lines of an Elvis song while pounding out the beat on the kitchen counter. These are spontaneous outburts that don't generally lead to anything violent or disturbing, so do your best to ignore them.
  • When driving, especially in rural areas, grandpa will operate the vehicle at a frightening rate of speed, but only on small, winding roads. His interstate speed is much slower.
  • If grandpa loses to you in anything, it's because he threw the game. This is often done to keep the peace with your Aunt Laura.
  • Grandpa is a social being, so if you don't want to rely solely on your looks to get a bigger chunk of the inheritance, buckle down and start planning some family events.
  • Never, I repeat never, make a joke on the sly assuming grandpa is too old to know what you're talking about. He always knows.
  •  No matter how early you have woken up in the morning, your grandpa has woken up earlier that day.
  • If your grandfather is unwilling to eat a food item due to its undesirable taste, simply do one or all of the following: 1. Melt cheese over the top 2. Apply Tabasco sauce 3. Serve with banana peppers. This includes desserts. (Also successful with Uncle Richard).

Tomorrow, little baby, you and I will go over the appropriate times and methods used to cry in front of grandpa in order to garner sympathy/cash/a more lenient punishment (hint: think weepy, not frantic).

Thursday, June 23, 2011

We Showered...BABY STYLE (?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAND we decorated onesies for the fetal Rehder! We had brightly colored paint, cartoon robot appliques, baby lion iron-ons, etc for everyone to use. All of the girls were really into making adorable baby-appropriate stuff; things with, like, teddy bears and baby ducks hugging each other. And little kids holding balloons and waving, you know, that kind of stuff. I just wish I had pictures of all of the cuddly onesies, but oopsie! My, er, camera broke and I couldn't take any photos! *kicks ground* Shucks! Oh well.

How did this get in here? Hehe. Anyway...

Some girls opted to write sweet things on the little baby clothes, stuff like "I love Mommy!" and "Little Slugger." They really put a lot of thought into their themes, like Noah's Ark or a little football player.

What the...? I didn't even upload anything to this post!!

Anyway, designing and decorating the baby's shirts was great fun! And now I have a drawer full of baby clothes for my little man to wear that will have everyone cooing over him!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Let's Get Down to Business

Sloan: *walks in front door* Welp! Got the job!
Julia: *squeal* Yay!!! *happy clap* I knew you'd get it, you're just so manly and tall!
Sloan: *furrowed brow* Okay..?
Julia: Heating, air conditioning, and plumbing places only hire manly men. It's like an unspoken industry rule.
Sloan: That is absolutely and wholly something that you have no evidence of. It just...came from your mind. Just right now. *serious pause* Anyway, they're giving me a truck. I get to drive it to and from work, too.
Julia: OH MY GOSH!!! Is it big and manly?
Sloan: Well, really, it's kind of too big...
Julia: *jumps up from couch* YAAAAAY! Okay, here's what we do tomorrow: Come home in your uniform--
Sloan: Oh, I don't really have one. I just wear clothes that I feel like getting dirty.
Julia: *frown* Oh. That's okay, I'll just get your utility belt out of the closet! *lugs belt over to Sloan* Put on your belt. Is there a place to put a hammer? That'll make it more authentic. *tries to wrap belt around Sloan's waist* Okay, now, tomorrow you'll drive your truck and park it in the parking lot. 
Sloan: I won't be wearing a utility belt when I'm work--
Julia: THEN come to the door with a clipboard and be all like, "Um, hi, Mrs....Rehder? I'm here to fix your broken thing." or whatever. Gasket? Do you fix gaskets? "I'm here to fix your gaskets, Mrs. Rehder."
Sloan: I'm not really going to ever say that though--
Julia: And I'll let you in, like I don't even care or whatever, but you'll be secretly really distracted by my beauty. And you'll be all like, "Is it hot in here?" And you'll take off your shirt and pour water on your head.
Sloan: Inside the house?
Julia: And then you'll use your wrench to take apart some appliance, maybe the dryer? Then you'll look at it the inside of it and sigh. And then I'll be like, "Oh my! Is it bad?" and you'll turn to me and say, "Yes. It's bad. Very bad." And I'll have a concerned look on my face and clutch my apron.
Sloan: *walks into bathroom, shuts door*
Julia: *stands at bathroom door* Can you still hear me in there? 
Sloan: *silence*
Sloan: *silence*
Sloan: *turns on shower*
Sloan: *shower water*
Julia: K I'LL JUST FINISH WHEN YOU'RE DONE IN THERE. *stands patiently next to door*  *sigh* *bites nail*

Thursday, June 9, 2011

So Fumey!

A few days ago, I used nail polish remover for the first time in probably six months.

It smelled...delicious. Drink it! said something inside me (reasonably sure it wasn't the fetus). Drink it!! I resisted.

The next day, I used a brand new Sharpie to write an address on a package. Just one waft of the fumes made me want to crack that marker open and eat its contents like beef jerky. But I knew better than to do it, too messy!

Also, I've always liked the smell of gasoline, but lately when I smell it, I want to go into the mountains to find a gasoline river, dunk my refillable Big Gulp into its depths, then drink it like Indian Jones did from the Holy Grail in The Last Crusade. (He chose wisely).

What does this mean? I don't know. According to the many academic sources I researched (Wiki, WebMD) I have determined that it's not pica because pica makes people want to eat gross and flavorless things like dirt and chalk. Dirt and chalk? BOOORING. How much more hardcore can I get when I already want to drink lighter fluid? NOT MUCH. Go ahead and keep your clay, detergent, and quartz stones, whimps because like I said I don't have pica. I'll bet what I have is named something closer to HemiChainsawStevenSeagalBAMF Disorder. But that's not important. What's important is how much latex paint can I drink through this crazy straw before it could start to adversely affect my social image unborn child? I mean, this right here is only a quart, no biggie. I'm just inquiring now so I don't even get close to that level. Safety first!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

It's My Party!

Julia: *walks in door* *sigh*
Sloan: How was hanging out with Kira?
Julia: *shoulder slump* She wants to throw me a baby shower.
Sloan: *takes off glasses* Oh, my poor baby. What did you say?
Julia: I said okay...I was too chicken to say no.
Sloan: Oh dear. Well, when do you plan on...telling her that you don't really have many...friends?
Julia: I was so close to saying it, baby, so close!!! I just...couldn't get it out. First I tried to get out of it by saying she didn't need to throw me one because having a baby isn't a that big of a deal and that some people end up hating their kids anyway.
Sloan: *shakes head*
Julia: She didn't buy it. So, then I tried to say I was busy on every date that she suggested to have it. But I ran out of ideas after telling her that I had various evening galas to attend, six birthday parties, and that we were going to spend a week at the Annual Shakespeare Festival.
Sloan: Ah...well, so how far into planning this did you get?
Julia: *shuffles feet* I dunno..we're...done planning it. 
Sloan: Done? Well, then, who did you tell her to invite?
Julia: I wrote a list of fake people to bide my time. I think she bought it. Now I just need to find some addresses. 

Sloan: Are all of your fake friends senior citizens? You wrote Rosario twice.
Julia: Those are two different Rosario's, Sloan. *wink* I added that unconventional coincidence so as to make it seem more real. No one writing a fake list of names would put Rosario down twice, it's too risky not to be true.
Sloan: *serious face* Julia, you need to tell Kira that if she goes through with this shower, only four people will probably show up, including you two. I know that's a hard thing to expose, but it's all going to hit the fan anyway on the day of the party.
Julia: Not if I find a way to lure my acquaintances to my house on the same day as the shower and make it look like they came for the party. I was thinking of telling everyone you died on the Alpine Slide and that they need to bring dinner over because I'm really sad. Two birds with one stone!!
Sloan: I'm calling Kira.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What Would Nancy Grace Do?

Today is a day of tantrums and hissy fits for me. I'm moody, and because a bad mood can always be put to good use (usually if weapons are accessible), I have decided to talk about things that are annoying, terrible, etc. in order to inspire. Join me as I say things about things. Please don't talk, get up to use the restroom, or disagree.

Xfinity's slogan
I don’t have Xfinity, and I barely know what it even is (it’s a cable service offered by Comcast...?). That’s not the point. Let’s take a look at their slogan: It’s endless fun to do Xfinity. What, pray tell, does this mean, executives of Xfinity? It’s fun to do a cable service? As in...sexually? I don’t understand. I could see it being fun to HAVE Xfinity or USE Xfinity, but doing Xfinity really just sounds dangerous and unfulfilling. Fix this.
Anger Rating: One Nancy Grace

Deceptively dumb hipsters
Isn’t it some sort of rule that in order to be avant-garde and self-deprecatingly ironic that you need to know what those words mean? Come on hipsters, I think you look so cool and hip, I just want to be your friend so bad. If you dress the part, don’t be disappointingly dumb when I mention Jack Kerouac or Hillary Clinton. Urban Outfitters has some standards to uphold.
Anger Rating: Two Nancy Graces

Serving vs. Working
Okay, I get the need for a military, so do not read this as something that it isn't. Why do we all say that military members are serving our country? You do know that we pay soldiers, right? You know that idiot kid who you went to high school with who joined the moment he graduated? He wasn’t joining the army to necessarily serve America, friends, he was doing it to get a paycheck. And that’s okay! Same with police officers, firemen, etc. They do it for the money, like Lil Wayne, Rod Blagojevich, and everyone else who has a job (legit or not). How many service members do you know who say, “You know, I could go into the private sector and make 25% more, but gosh, I just really love America and that’s why I stay with this job.” Not many. If these were positions that did not pay, then I’d totally get it. These people would actually be serving! Not working! That’d truly be worth the fanfare and merit that we constantly dump on them. But we are no longer in the days of the draft when kids had to strap on a gun whether they wanted to or not. That was real service, as sad as it was, being a poor 17-year-old having to disrupt your life to serve in a scary and deadly war.
EDIT: I've gotten a lot of polite feedback from friends too classy to yell at me for this one. I didn't mean to imply that people who are in the armed services are dumb or selfish, because I don't think that. I need to give more credit where credit is due, and apparently more people do join the service specifically to serve and not for the money than I had always assumed. I blame this one on Mikyn.
Anger Rating: Two Nancy Graces

Elderly fliers
I will push you over if you continue to act absolutely bewildered when your belt, shoes, and watch (that you’re STILL WEARING) set off the metal detector. I will flick your ear if you hand anything but the correct boarding pass to the gate agent as you try to board. No papers, pamphlets, credit card receipts, or IDs, JUST YOUR BOARDING PASS. And yes, I will pinch your arm if you bring three carry on items onto the plane and slowly try to stow them in a space half their size.
Anger Rating: Three Nancy Graces

Intentionally loud vehicles 
Do I think about carrying around a metal pipe to shove into the wheels of every motorcyclist I hear within a three mile radius? Yes. At stoplights, do I scream at people who drive rice-burners with coffee can exhausts? On occasion. In modern times, it’s a well accepted notion that the louder something is, the older and crappier it must be, like a printer or a refrigerator. So why do motorcyclists make their bikes so loud that they have to wear earplugs to ride them? I do not know, but I do know that having a loud bike/car/truck doesn't make it any bigger (ifyaknowwhatImean).
Anger Rating: Four Nancy Graces

Rude store/restaurant patrons
Recently, Sloan was at a Jack-in-the-Box (strike one) in Idaho (strike two) where some customers were irate that their fries weren’t included in their order (strike three). They told the dude at the counter that they had already called his regional manager to complain and that they’d like to “shove these fries up your ass.” Really, folks? You can’t hold it together enough to keep from threatening a teenager over french fries? Don’t get me wrong, I can get somewhat...intolerant if fast food places don’t get my order right, but even I am classy enough to leave the curse words out of my idle threats. Why not try something a little more sophisticated like, “You, sir, have failed in your duty. If I were on the other side of this counter, I’d lunge at your throat and seek retribution with the fury of a thousand suns.”
Anger Rating: Six Nancy Graces

Witchdoctor parents 
Ahem. *cue serious music* I like to consider myself a liberal, but when it comes to scientific trends, many liberals tend to be a visionary people and take terrible stances against good science (see also: nuclear energy). I am actually and sincerely angry at those parents in industrialized countries who refuse their children vaccines. Looking at parents who are put on trial for negligence and manslaughter in the US for denying their suffering children medical treatments such as chemo or diabetes intervention because they “don’t trust the system” and think that “they’ll get better on their own” is the same thing to me as not vaccinating your child against illnesses such as polio, measles, mumps, and rubella. Just because one pretend doctor and Jenny McCarthy inaccurately stated that vaccines are bad does not mean that it is acceptable to send your child out into the world to infect others. Many people shrug their shoulders and say, “Well, I’m immunized, so what’s the big deal if others aren't?” Being immunized doesn’t guarantee being infection-free. It certainly cuts down your odds by a huge amount, but the only way to eradicate an illness is if entire generations of people immunize themselves together, which is what we were SO CLOSE to achieving. Recently in Utah, there was a measles outbreak that spread to immunized and non-immunized people all over the valley. Schools were closed, events cancelled, not to mention a lot of people got miserably ill. What an idiotic waste of time, resources, and good health because some 12 year-old’s parents thought they were protecting their child by not making them immune to a deadly disease. I know and love people who do not vaccinate their children, and I lose sleep at night over whether I can ever let my child be near those children because of the unnecessary risk they are putting them in. And, as  a pregnant woman, being exposed to some of these illnesses (such as measles or rubella) would almost certainly permanently harm or kill my fetus, because even though I’m immunized, my baby isn’t yet. Vaccinate your children. Otherwise, lock them away from other people for the rest of their lives.
Anger Rating: All Nancy Graces. As many Nancy Graces as the eye can see.