Thursday, June 30, 2011

Gramps: To the fetus

Hello, littlest man, and welcome to my humble web repository. My, you do look as weird as those other newborns I've seen pictures of on the internet. That's okay, I was ready for that. I'm sure you'll get your confidence once the swelling goes down, assuming that's swelling and not just...face.

Can you give us a smile, little guy?

No...?

*sigh* Did you know that I gained 40 pounds to incubate you?

That means I ate on average 2376 calories daily, even though I only really need about 1600. All for you, my little prince.

And you can't even put on a smile?

You know, I also fell out of bed twice while pregnant with you because I made the mistake of trying to sit up and turn at the same time. Do you know how humiliating that feels?

Still nothin, huh?

Well, anyway. I'm writing this open letter to you because I've been having this recurring dream for the past couple of years. In the dream, I have a baby and it's a boy (2 for 2!) and that baby boy looks just like a baby version of my dad (your grandpa).


Since this probably means that you're going to have an especially special bond with my father, I thought I'd take a moment to prepare you for the day you two meet. Just giving you a little background so you don't look like an idiot when you don't know anything about him but he knows all about you. That's tacky.

Now, look over this and we'll talk again in an hour.

Gordon Richard Moore, Jr.

Born July 23 in Dyer County, Tennessee
Hair: Blonde Eyes: Blue
Physical Consitution: Sturdy, Agile
Occupation: Dentist
Hobbies: Playing/Watching sports; Camping; Kayaking; Falling asleep during church/in the pool/during good movies/during okay movies/during bad movies; Frisbee; Croquet.


Other important things to know:
  • Your grandpa has little tolerance for lazy people, except for your Aunt Michelle (it's because she's nice).
  • At times, your grandfather will loudly belt 1-2 lines of an Elvis song while pounding out the beat on the kitchen counter. These are spontaneous outburts that don't generally lead to anything violent or disturbing, so do your best to ignore them.
  • When driving, especially in rural areas, grandpa will operate the vehicle at a frightening rate of speed, but only on small, winding roads. His interstate speed is much slower.
  • If grandpa loses to you in anything, it's because he threw the game. This is often done to keep the peace with your Aunt Laura.
  • Grandpa is a social being, so if you don't want to rely solely on your looks to get a bigger chunk of the inheritance, buckle down and start planning some family events.
  • Never, I repeat never, make a joke on the sly assuming grandpa is too old to know what you're talking about. He always knows.
  •  No matter how early you have woken up in the morning, your grandpa has woken up earlier that day.
  • If your grandfather is unwilling to eat a food item due to its undesirable taste, simply do one or all of the following: 1. Melt cheese over the top 2. Apply Tabasco sauce 3. Serve with banana peppers. This includes desserts. (Also successful with Uncle Richard).

Tomorrow, little baby, you and I will go over the appropriate times and methods used to cry in front of grandpa in order to garner sympathy/cash/a more lenient punishment (hint: think weepy, not frantic).

3 comments:

  1. What a handsome baby you have. Your insight is amazing when you describe people. Even if you have to make it up.
    Correction - usually Beatles songs or James Taylor & tolerance for Mimi is Quickly coming to an end.

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  2. Bahahahaaaa!

    I don't even think you had to make any of that up. Especially the crazy driving part.

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  3. then you should name him Rich, from your dad's middle name. I like middle names. I never had one. ps. that pic of your dad's face on the baby is CREeEEEEPY!

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