Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Let's Get Down to Business



Sloan: *walks in front door* Welp! Got the job!
Julia: *squeal* Yay!!! *happy clap* I knew you'd get it, you're just so manly and tall!
Sloan: *furrowed brow* Okay..?
Julia: Heating, air conditioning, and plumbing places only hire manly men. It's like an unspoken industry rule.
Sloan: That is absolutely and wholly something that you have no evidence of. It just...came from your mind. Just right now. *serious pause* Anyway, they're giving me a truck. I get to drive it to and from work, too.
Julia: OH MY GOSH!!! Is it big and manly?
Sloan: Well, really, it's kind of too big...
Julia: *jumps up from couch* YAAAAAY! Okay, here's what we do tomorrow: Come home in your uniform--
Sloan: Oh, I don't really have one. I just wear clothes that I feel like getting dirty.
Julia: *frown* Oh. That's okay, I'll just get your utility belt out of the closet! *lugs belt over to Sloan* Put on your belt. Is there a place to put a hammer? That'll make it more authentic. *tries to wrap belt around Sloan's waist* Okay, now, tomorrow you'll drive your truck and park it in the parking lot. 
Sloan: I won't be wearing a utility belt when I'm work--
Julia: THEN come to the door with a clipboard and be all like, "Um, hi, Mrs....Rehder? I'm here to fix your broken thing." or whatever. Gasket? Do you fix gaskets? "I'm here to fix your gaskets, Mrs. Rehder."
Sloan: I'm not really going to ever say that though--
Julia: And I'll let you in, like I don't even care or whatever, but you'll be secretly really distracted by my beauty. And you'll be all like, "Is it hot in here?" And you'll take off your shirt and pour water on your head.
Sloan: Inside the house?
Julia: And then you'll use your wrench to take apart some appliance, maybe the dryer? Then you'll look at it the inside of it and sigh. And then I'll be like, "Oh my! Is it bad?" and you'll turn to me and say, "Yes. It's bad. Very bad." And I'll have a concerned look on my face and clutch my apron.
Sloan: *walks into bathroom, shuts door*
Julia: *stands at bathroom door* Can you still hear me in there? 
Sloan: *silence*
Julia: *shouts* AND THEN YOU'LL BE LIKE "SO WHERE IS MR. REHDER?" AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, HE'S OUT OF TOWN. HE'S A CEO SO HE TRAVELS A LOT TO BE IN MEETINGS WITH  PEOPLE LIKE WARREN BUFFETT, PRESIDENT OBAMA, TIGER WOODS, AND CHRISTINA AGUILERA." BUT I'LL SAY IT IN A WAY THAT'S REALLY NONCHALANT LIKE I DON'T EVEN CARE, YOU KNOW?
Sloan: *silence*
Julia: AND THEN YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HOW CAN ANY MAN LEAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WIFE AT HOME BY HERSELF?" AND I'LL KIND OF BLUSH AND BE LIKE, "OH YOU'RE TOO KIND." AND THEN I'LL BE LIKE "OH DEAR, IT'S WARM IN HERE" AND I'LL TAKE A HANDKERCHIEF AND DELICATELY DAB IT ON MY NECK AND THEN MOVE LOWER DOWN, APPROACHING MY AMPLE BOSOM. THEN YOU'LL BE ALL LIKE--
Sloan: *turns on shower*
Julia: BABY? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Sloan: *shower water*
Julia: K I'LL JUST FINISH WHEN YOU'RE DONE IN THERE. *stands patiently next to door*  *sigh* *bites nail*

10 comments:

  1. ...and then you'll be like "Did I mention that I'm from Washington state? And I sparkle?" and then I'll be like "OMG you're a fake vampire?!?! *swoon*

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  2. hahahaha! (Kellie)

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  3. That boy in the picture is so fake. He's unnaturally thin and even his shadow looks photoshopped. Why isn't the web more friendly to full-figured male beauty like my own?

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  4. Also, that's awesome that Sloan got a job delivering naughty birthday wishes as a construction hunk. The pay's not spectacular, but it's fun to do in school for a while.

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  5. this is much too graphic a story to include my brother in

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  6. This is the funniest thing I've read all day. And I felt like you wrote my life story!! I totally pull the old handkerchief trick at least once a week.

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  7. hahahaha julia! i think you've been reading too many late night romance novels...the ones with fabio on the cover!

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  8. oh man. It's nap time over here, and as I was reading this and Laughing out loud (and I'm a loud laugher) I was hoping I wouldn't wake Brady since other than my laughter my house is dead silent. you should definately get paid for writing your blog. monitize. the best is the part about sloan pooring water over his head, in the house.

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