Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What Would Nancy Grace Do?

Today is a day of tantrums and hissy fits for me. I'm moody, and because a bad mood can always be put to good use (usually if weapons are accessible), I have decided to talk about things that are annoying, terrible, etc. in order to inspire. Join me as I say things about things. Please don't talk, get up to use the restroom, or disagree.

Xfinity's slogan
I don’t have Xfinity, and I barely know what it even is (it’s a cable service offered by Comcast...?). That’s not the point. Let’s take a look at their slogan: It’s endless fun to do Xfinity. What, pray tell, does this mean, executives of Xfinity? It’s fun to do a cable service? As in...sexually? I don’t understand. I could see it being fun to HAVE Xfinity or USE Xfinity, but doing Xfinity really just sounds dangerous and unfulfilling. Fix this.
Anger Rating: One Nancy Grace

Deceptively dumb hipsters
Isn’t it some sort of rule that in order to be avant-garde and self-deprecatingly ironic that you need to know what those words mean? Come on hipsters, I think you look so cool and hip, I just want to be your friend so bad. If you dress the part, don’t be disappointingly dumb when I mention Jack Kerouac or Hillary Clinton. Urban Outfitters has some standards to uphold.
Anger Rating: Two Nancy Graces

Serving vs. Working
Okay, I get the need for a military, so do not read this as something that it isn't. Why do we all say that military members are serving our country? You do know that we pay soldiers, right? You know that idiot kid who you went to high school with who joined the moment he graduated? He wasn’t joining the army to necessarily serve America, friends, he was doing it to get a paycheck. And that’s okay! Same with police officers, firemen, etc. They do it for the money, like Lil Wayne, Rod Blagojevich, and everyone else who has a job (legit or not). How many service members do you know who say, “You know, I could go into the private sector and make 25% more, but gosh, I just really love America and that’s why I stay with this job.” Not many. If these were positions that did not pay, then I’d totally get it. These people would actually be serving! Not working! That’d truly be worth the fanfare and merit that we constantly dump on them. But we are no longer in the days of the draft when kids had to strap on a gun whether they wanted to or not. That was real service, as sad as it was, being a poor 17-year-old having to disrupt your life to serve in a scary and deadly war.
EDIT: I've gotten a lot of polite feedback from friends too classy to yell at me for this one. I didn't mean to imply that people who are in the armed services are dumb or selfish, because I don't think that. I need to give more credit where credit is due, and apparently more people do join the service specifically to serve and not for the money than I had always assumed. I blame this one on Mikyn.
Anger Rating: Two Nancy Graces

Elderly fliers
I will push you over if you continue to act absolutely bewildered when your belt, shoes, and watch (that you’re STILL WEARING) set off the metal detector. I will flick your ear if you hand anything but the correct boarding pass to the gate agent as you try to board. No papers, pamphlets, credit card receipts, or IDs, JUST YOUR BOARDING PASS. And yes, I will pinch your arm if you bring three carry on items onto the plane and slowly try to stow them in a space half their size.
Anger Rating: Three Nancy Graces

Intentionally loud vehicles 
Do I think about carrying around a metal pipe to shove into the wheels of every motorcyclist I hear within a three mile radius? Yes. At stoplights, do I scream at people who drive rice-burners with coffee can exhausts? On occasion. In modern times, it’s a well accepted notion that the louder something is, the older and crappier it must be, like a printer or a refrigerator. So why do motorcyclists make their bikes so loud that they have to wear earplugs to ride them? I do not know, but I do know that having a loud bike/car/truck doesn't make it any bigger (ifyaknowwhatImean).
Anger Rating: Four Nancy Graces

Rude store/restaurant patrons
Recently, Sloan was at a Jack-in-the-Box (strike one) in Idaho (strike two) where some customers were irate that their fries weren’t included in their order (strike three). They told the dude at the counter that they had already called his regional manager to complain and that they’d like to “shove these fries up your ass.” Really, folks? You can’t hold it together enough to keep from threatening a teenager over french fries? Don’t get me wrong, I can get somewhat...intolerant if fast food places don’t get my order right, but even I am classy enough to leave the curse words out of my idle threats. Why not try something a little more sophisticated like, “You, sir, have failed in your duty. If I were on the other side of this counter, I’d lunge at your throat and seek retribution with the fury of a thousand suns.”
Anger Rating: Six Nancy Graces

Witchdoctor parents 
Ahem. *cue serious music* I like to consider myself a liberal, but when it comes to scientific trends, many liberals tend to be a visionary people and take terrible stances against good science (see also: nuclear energy). I am actually and sincerely angry at those parents in industrialized countries who refuse their children vaccines. Looking at parents who are put on trial for negligence and manslaughter in the US for denying their suffering children medical treatments such as chemo or diabetes intervention because they “don’t trust the system” and think that “they’ll get better on their own” is the same thing to me as not vaccinating your child against illnesses such as polio, measles, mumps, and rubella. Just because one pretend doctor and Jenny McCarthy inaccurately stated that vaccines are bad does not mean that it is acceptable to send your child out into the world to infect others. Many people shrug their shoulders and say, “Well, I’m immunized, so what’s the big deal if others aren't?” Being immunized doesn’t guarantee being infection-free. It certainly cuts down your odds by a huge amount, but the only way to eradicate an illness is if entire generations of people immunize themselves together, which is what we were SO CLOSE to achieving. Recently in Utah, there was a measles outbreak that spread to immunized and non-immunized people all over the valley. Schools were closed, events cancelled, not to mention a lot of people got miserably ill. What an idiotic waste of time, resources, and good health because some 12 year-old’s parents thought they were protecting their child by not making them immune to a deadly disease. I know and love people who do not vaccinate their children, and I lose sleep at night over whether I can ever let my child be near those children because of the unnecessary risk they are putting them in. And, as  a pregnant woman, being exposed to some of these illnesses (such as measles or rubella) would almost certainly permanently harm or kill my fetus, because even though I’m immunized, my baby isn’t yet. Vaccinate your children. Otherwise, lock them away from other people for the rest of their lives.
Anger Rating: All Nancy Graces. As many Nancy Graces as the eye can see.


  1. omg. totally with you on the vaccination thing. SO ridiculous.

    Also, can we add Sara Lee's slogan to this list?
    "Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee"
    Srsly, why the double negative? Was "Everybody likes Sara Lee" already taken by Sara Lee's twin company, Sara Leigh?
    I get angry inside everytime I see a Sara Lee truck pass by. It's so uncatchy and annoying.

  2. i just love you and your thoughts. it makes my shitty day brighter. :) yay!