Friday, July 29, 2011

Are You Sick of This Baby Yet?

I already know the answer to that: NO I AM NOT SICK OF WARD is the answer if you're a woman/relative of ours. YES BABIES ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY BORING if you're a dude/stranger.

See? Even though now I'm a parent, I'm still down with non-parents. I get it, I'm cool. Down with the jiggy.

Moving on.

Sloan is a good daddy.

Sure he does things like hold the baby upside down by his ankles until he's inconsolable. And maybe he goes a little too far with the cutesy insults ("you adorable little son of a..."), but he's a good dad...deep down. Right? Or something like that. For example, he'll actually nap with the baby, which is probably one of the hardest and most stressful activities for a new parent. Unlike most new dads, he won't even hesitate to take up that task. HOW LUCKY AM I???
Workin hard or hardly working AMIRIGHT?
Buuuuuuuuuut really folks *serious face* Sloan is the man. The man. When baby Ward came home, his daddy wanted to show him the ropes.
The top of the stairs





This was really good, because before we came home, Ward confided in me that he was nervous about living in a new house. He kept asking me about the layout of the apartment, what his room looked like, general square footage, etc. It's almost like Sloan knew.

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE: Ward's previously reported sleep position is officially his preferred. See the following exhibits:






Friday, July 22, 2011

Daytime Television


Now that I'm on maternity leave, I'm remembering why I never really enjoyed staying home from school when I was little: daytime tv is terrible.

But it's so good.

How can something be so wrong when it feels so right?

I can't help but break things down when it comes to how these networks all target their audiences with the same stuff. This is probably because I'm a trained market analyst (no I'm not). Here are just the shows I watch, no biggie.

  • Clucking Hens: The View, Today, Good Morning America, The Talk, All local Utah programming
  • "I'm ready for my close up" medical experts: Dr. Oz, The Doctors, Dr. Phil
  • Diverse Relatables: Tyra, Rachael Ray, Oprah, Ellen, Nate Berkus
  • Defenders of Justice: Judge Judy, Divorce Court, Judge Joe Brown, People's Court, Swift Justice, and (my personal favorite) <3 Judge Alex <3

Permission to approach the bench?
And let's not forget one last category, the most important of them all:
  • The Greatest Show of All Time and Thus Cannot Be Categorized Nor Can It Be Compared To/Associated With Any Other Show: Maury



DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY EPISODE LIST?


  • Can You Save Me? I Am Terrified of Cotton Balls and Frogs!
  • Does Derrick Have 26 Kids... The DNA Results Are In!
  • Is My Wife Cheating With My Step-Sister Again?
  • Rodeo Romeo Love Swindler
  • That Hickey Came from the Dog...I Didn't Cheat!
  • You Said You Loved Me. Why Did You Try To Kill Me?

I love Maury, but before I got pregnant I could honestly say that I had never cried watching an episode. I can still say that...but not honestly. It's suddenly overwhelmingly sad when a guest finds out her husband isn't her baby's daddy after that one night stand she had while he was away on business. It's sad when a guest says she eats four rolls of toilet paper a week. Sad when a transvestite just wants to wear fabulous clothes but gets harassed by his sisters. Today, I cried when a woman left her 22 year old husband after he had an affair with their 62 year old mail lady. He just seemed so sad and like he was so sorry and the audience was booing when he came out and she was so mad and crying and the mail lady had a lazy eye and the wife stormed off the stage but where was she even going it was all too much.

Of course, I've just been crying a lot. Today I cried when I was folding Ward's tiny clothes BECAUSE THEY ARE SO TINY. I cried when Sloan gave me a back rub last night. I cried when I realized my thighs rub together when I walk. I cried while thinking about my dad's birthday tomorrow and how much I love that guy and just miss him. I cried when Ward fell asleep with his arms like this:

Stayed tuned for a later post about the commercials of daytime tv. Think bra infomercials and technical college.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Babaytime

His name is Edward Richard Rehder (covered both grandpas with that one) and we call him Ward. He's a good littlest man; he loves cuddling, his daddy, and eating. And eating. DID I MENTION EATING HAHA. But more importantly, I have a baby now, which makes me legit. Listen to all of the lessons I've learned about babies and having them:

  • Sometimes, it'll be necessary to spend a couple of hours of your labor on your hands and knees so the baby won't be in distress.  It won't be that hard, but all of the doctors and nurses will think you are Wonder Woman for some reason and shower you with compliments. Just go with it.
  • The nurses in labor and delivery will hook you UP with those little packages of Lorna Doone Shortbread cookies. You can eat an astounding amount of those before you feel ill.
  • One word: blood. Everywhere. Everywhere. For days. You will feel hardcore (because you are). 
  • The first night at home with the baby, your inner voice will convince you that if you stop looking at/monitoring your sleeping infant, he will immediately die, whether it be from suffocation or a meteor hitting the house. So you'll stay up and cry until five in the morning when your husband carefully leads you to the bedroom while you cry into a burp rag. The baby will be fine.
  • Newborn farts sound like cartoon farts.
  • After you have your kid, you'll still look 6 months pregnant until your organs return to their original size. Pass the Spanx! LOL Ha! Still fat! OMG too funny!!
  • You will think everything that baby does is the most amazing and wonderful thing that has ever been thinged.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

YUMMERS!!!!!!

I'm in love with and married to a multi-faceted and mysterious man.

A man who can fix car things like power windows and coolant...stuff.  A man who watches So You Think You Can Dance. A man who lifts heavy things for me, but only if I have a good reason now after figuring out that I wanted the living room rearranged just to see his muscles.

A ski instructor. A man who has explained the concept of electricity to me about seven times. An Alaskan. An athlete. A man who always beats me at crosswords, because somehow he knows things like the Latin word for pants.

A man who speaks funny-sounding Spanish. A man who wears velcro Dr. Scholl's shoes with J.Crew pants. A culinary artist.

Early in our courtship:
Julia: It smells good in here! What are you making?
Sloan: Cheese beaner bacon.
Julia: Cheese, bean, or bacon?
Sloan: No, not "or." It's all of them. Cheese beaner bacon.
Julia: Is that supposed to sound racist?
Sloan: What?
Julia: Guess not. What's in it?
Sloan: Well, ya take a piece of bread. You pour a can of pork and beans on it.
Julia: Oh dear.
Sloan: And then you cover it with shredded cheddar. Fry up some bacon, put it on top. Then throw it all in the oven for a little while, until the cheese is nice and melted.
Julia: I don't...
Sloan: I came up with it myself. It's my go-to meal.
Julia: Of course it is. You eat this meal frequently and can still fit into MY pants. Makes total sense.

Just yesterday:
Julia: You making cheese beaner bacon, baby?
Sloan: Yeah, sort of. We don't have bacon, so I'm using a hot dog.
Julia: HEY YOU SHOULD CALL THAT CHEESE BEANER WIENER!!!!!
Sloan: *unimpressed* No, Julia. It's cheese beaner bacon with a hot dog substitute. That's what it's called.
Julia: Oh...okay. Yeah. *stares at ground* Hey! I want to take a picture of this for the blog. I have friends who don't believe me that you actually eat this.
Sloan: What? No, don't take a picture. No one cares. Stop it--I'm not...put down the camera. I'm not--fine, I'll set it down and you can take a picture. I don't wanna be in it.

Did I mention he also watches Top Chef?
That must have some sort of meaning.
So, here it is folks.

Here it is.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Adjusting

My little man (Sloan) is acting out the closer we get to the delivery of littlest man. I've read the parenting books and understand that this is a normal reaction for Sloan, so I'm just letting him work through it in his own ways. I just feel helpless watching him trying so hard to control his emotions in preparation for a new man in the spotlight. Guess all I can do is just keep cheering him on from the sidelines. I'm his number one supporter! Love ya, babe, you can do it!

When Sloan gets especially moody, he resorts to nonverbal communication. This can come in the form of grunts, gestures, and even texting (still counts as nonverbal, right?) It really helps him express himself in a healthy way. For example, one evening while we were both in the living room, he was on the couch and I was on the sofa. Both of us had our phones with us. He was a bit upset with me over an earlier quarrel.


I went ahead and opened the window for my little guy, knowing full well that he was just doing the best he could with all of those feelings bouncing around inside. What can I say? I'm really humble and patient.

Every night before I fall asleep, I like to do crosswords on my iPhone. This means that after the lights are out and little man has settled down on his side of the bed, I quietly lie on my side and work on a puzzle until I doze off.

Sloan does not like this. He says the light from my phone keeps him up, and he insists that I turn it off or go out to the couch to use it. I don't oblige him in this case. At eight and a half months pregnant, I am too damn uncomfortable on that couch and I cannot fall asleep unless I occupy my mind with a crossword puzzle in bed. So, basically, I just ignore anything Sloan says after lights out. I do my crosswords and he eventually falls asleep just fine (See? I am so ready to take care of a baby!)

Strangely, Sloan's not okay with this arrangement.

Ignored (usually). No big deal.

However, my cool-as-a-cucumber husband is starting to get pretty mad. I can tell because things have gotten personal.
 Now, I don't doubt that it stinks in there. *shiver* But I still know this text is a bluff for several reasons:
  • The baby can't talk to Sloan. It can only talk to me and the doctor.
  • The baby likes it when I do crosswords in bed at night because that's when he's awake! Also, he's pretty good at them. It's our little thing to do together.
  • The baby specifically told me that he's glad he's not with Sloan all day because he listens to lame music and the jokes he makes at work aren't as sophisticated as mine
Now, I'd never tell those things to Sloan, it would hurt him too much. So instead, after receiving such an emotionally-charged message, I decided to let things slide and turn off my phone. I then laid there and tried to fall asleep for a couple of hours, thinking wistfully about the day that my love will be happy again and I can do crosswords in bed. We'll get there.

We'll get there.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Glamour Shots!

Today, I learned how to make myself beautiful with computers!! Here's the original:


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the after! Same picture!!
 
I learned this from the same people who work for magazines like Elle and Glamour. I'll be hosting a one-day workshop on these methods later in the month. Admission will be $200 (this includes a complimentary Lunchable and Capri Sun).

Friday, July 1, 2011

I LOVE THEM

Glitter toes! 

GLITTAH TOES! 

GLIT

TAH

TOES!!!!!

Happy times!!
Sad times!!
Car times!!

Shoe times!!

Sloan times!!