Friday, July 22, 2011

Daytime Television


Now that I'm on maternity leave, I'm remembering why I never really enjoyed staying home from school when I was little: daytime tv is terrible.

But it's so good.

How can something be so wrong when it feels so right?

I can't help but break things down when it comes to how these networks all target their audiences with the same stuff. This is probably because I'm a trained market analyst (no I'm not). Here are just the shows I watch, no biggie.

  • Clucking Hens: The View, Today, Good Morning America, The Talk, All local Utah programming
  • "I'm ready for my close up" medical experts: Dr. Oz, The Doctors, Dr. Phil
  • Diverse Relatables: Tyra, Rachael Ray, Oprah, Ellen, Nate Berkus
  • Defenders of Justice: Judge Judy, Divorce Court, Judge Joe Brown, People's Court, Swift Justice, and (my personal favorite) <3 Judge Alex <3

Permission to approach the bench?
And let's not forget one last category, the most important of them all:
  • The Greatest Show of All Time and Thus Cannot Be Categorized Nor Can It Be Compared To/Associated With Any Other Show: Maury



DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY EPISODE LIST?


  • Can You Save Me? I Am Terrified of Cotton Balls and Frogs!
  • Does Derrick Have 26 Kids... The DNA Results Are In!
  • Is My Wife Cheating With My Step-Sister Again?
  • Rodeo Romeo Love Swindler
  • That Hickey Came from the Dog...I Didn't Cheat!
  • You Said You Loved Me. Why Did You Try To Kill Me?

I love Maury, but before I got pregnant I could honestly say that I had never cried watching an episode. I can still say that...but not honestly. It's suddenly overwhelmingly sad when a guest finds out her husband isn't her baby's daddy after that one night stand she had while he was away on business. It's sad when a guest says she eats four rolls of toilet paper a week. Sad when a transvestite just wants to wear fabulous clothes but gets harassed by his sisters. Today, I cried when a woman left her 22 year old husband after he had an affair with their 62 year old mail lady. He just seemed so sad and like he was so sorry and the audience was booing when he came out and she was so mad and crying and the mail lady had a lazy eye and the wife stormed off the stage but where was she even going it was all too much.

Of course, I've just been crying a lot. Today I cried when I was folding Ward's tiny clothes BECAUSE THEY ARE SO TINY. I cried when Sloan gave me a back rub last night. I cried when I realized my thighs rub together when I walk. I cried while thinking about my dad's birthday tomorrow and how much I love that guy and just miss him. I cried when Ward fell asleep with his arms like this:

Stayed tuned for a later post about the commercials of daytime tv. Think bra infomercials and technical college.

3 comments:

  1. UGH I wish I had a better way to contact you than this!! I know EXACTLY how you feel about tiny clothes and thighs rubbing, and Rachel Ray, and the Dr's, and about having baby boys in the middle of july! It makes me sad that I cannot TALK to you about it more!!! AND little Ward is just so darn TINY, and ADORABLE!!!!!! It makes me miss having a new baby! (but not enough to have one again right away)

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  2. Love you Juju, have a great anniversary today.

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  3. I LOVE YOU JUUUULIA!!!

    Don't worry. Soon Ward will be old enough to decide for himself what to watch on TV, and then your only link to the outside world will be from the guest stars on Sesame Street. And then you will call your husband at work just to tell him that today Will Ferrell dressed up as a giant banana and sang a song about eating healthy and you had no idea he was such a great actor and it was just the best EVER!

    And then your husband will remind you that he is very busy right now at his real job and then you will cry. again.

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