Monday, August 29, 2011

Family Portrait


The Rehders in their element(s): Ward being uncooperative, Julia being pretty, and Sloan straight up creepin.

Thanks Holly.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Baby's Got Talent!

Julia: I'VE GOT AN IDEA AND IT'S GOING TO MAKE WARD FAMOUS.
Sloan: Already sounds terrible.
Julia: TWO WORDS: VIRAL....*thinky face*...STUFF...!?!
Sloan: Like disease?
Julia: NO LIKE ON THE INTERNET.
Sloan: Do you need to yell?
Julia: LOOK AT THESE BOYS. THEY'RE ADORABLE AND GOT ON TV FOR THIS:



Sloan: That is really cute.
Julia: I'VE ALREADY GOT MY FIRST VIDEO OF WARD READY TO SEND OUT INTO THE CYBERPLACE.
Sloan: I think it's called cyberspace.
Julia: QUIET OKAY IT'S STARTING.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Photo Dump!!

Everyone else's blogs have tons of pictures of their beautiful selves and their beautiful families going to carnivals and leisurely hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro or whatever. So I went through my phone and found some good ones, too! Of course, these pictures come complete with jokey captions that sound like they were written by a 60 year old Methodist geometry teacher. Welcome to Happy Rehder Dayz.
Take One: Big nose and fright face.

Take Two: Fat face and sheer panic.

Gestational meltdown at the Arby's drive through
(WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ONLY HAVE
THREE APPLE TURNOVERS LEFT)

He just wanted to touch Ward's soft hair.

What we see 75% of the time we
FaceTime with Pam

I like to sleep in the same way I like to party bathe: naked!

Taking my trip on the labor train.
Matt relaxes while Kenley looks like a tsunami
washed her onto shore.
Me, 20 pounds ago.

You can't tell, but his laxative just kicked in.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Trial and Error

There is an unopened bag of chips sitting next to me. There is an infant sleeping precariously on my lap. SOPHIE'S CHOICE OR WHAT.

Ward is cranky/needs attention/a drama queen. He seems like he might be kind of a jerk, because I'm pretty sure if given the choice between a pacifier and an end to war and famine, he'd choose the pacifier. What kind of person does that? I'll tell you: a selfish one. And seriously who knows, he could be a racist or chauvinistic or worse...a vegan. We'll find out once he starts talking. In the mean time, we have to try to keep him calm, which is all of the time because he loves to cry. Strategies (color coded for your convenience...effective/ineffective): 

Julia - Cuddle him like a baby doll!

Sloan - Blow in his face.

Julia - Cuddles! He loves his mommy! Yes he does!!

Sloan - Remove baby's clothes and watch tv.


Julia - What kind of robot baby doesn't love mommy cuddle snuggle hugz??


Sloan - Cry back into his face during a fit.


Julia - Why doesn't this baby love me? WHY NO CUDDLE?

Sloan - Hold him upright to look at the pictures on the wall for extended periods of time. 


I could go on, but you probably get the idea. Our parental journey continues!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Good Parenting!

Sloan: *walks in door* I'm home! Ready to go get dinner?
Julia: Yeah! *fist pump* I brushed my hair, Febreezed my clothes and I already put Ward in his car seat!
Sloan: Good work. What are you watching? *sigh* You're watching The First 48 again?
Julia: It's good!!
Sloan: Baby, it's a reality crime show. They show real dead bodies and stuff!! It's too dark.
Julia: Oh come ON it's not that bad.
Sloan: And you're letting Ward watch it?
Julia: *furrowed brow* I wouldn't really say that I'm "letting him watch it." I just turned his car seat in the direction of the tv. BESIDES, he's a month old! He doesn't know what a dead body is!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Just Another Wednesday!!!!!!!!!

TO DO

Wash Sloan's work shirts.

Get the mail.

Unload dishwasher.

Don't cry while watching Dr. Phil.

Seriously just get the mail it's not that far.

Give Ward a bath.

Read parenting book.

Send check to insurance company.
    TO DONE

    Put clothes on top of washer.

    Don't get the mail.

    Do not enter kitchen. All day.

    Cry watching Sarah McLachlan dog commercial.

    I don't want to have to put on my bra and shoes just
    to go get the mail so get off my back okay.

    Smell Ward's armpits (no stink!) Call it good.

    Google Judge Alex.

    Write letter to Judge Alex.

    Monday, August 8, 2011

    The Great Escape

    This tiny person is a wiggler. Big wiggler. Not that I hadn't already figured that out while pregnant with him. I have to admit though, as annoying as his wiggling is, it is still quite...impressive.

    He can roll over already. AWESOME. This really alleviates all of my fears of him getting wedged under the dryer or rolling off of a cliff. At least for now, he does it only when he gets supremely pissed, though. Figured that one out at the doctor's office when he got mad enough to roll off of the exam table right into Dr. Farnsworth's arms. I can't blame him, though, trying to get away from those cold old man hands.

    This baby cannot sleep well unless he's swaddled...but here's the rub: he hates being in a swaddle. This situation marks my first parental experience of I-KNOW-YOU-DON'T-LIKE-THIS-RIGHT-NOW-BUT-TRUST-ME-IT'S-FOR-THE-BEST-SO-CALM-DOWN-CHILD frustration. But even when I win the wrestling match and strap him into his velcro-powered swaddling blanket, he doesn't given up the fight (all while maintaining his poker face).







    Annoying.

    So annoying.

    S.O. A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G.

    Friday, August 5, 2011

    What Does It Meeeean?

    So one time I read somewhere that babies like music or whatever and that listening to it turns them into baby geniuses. However, when I tried playing various musics for Ward, he didn't really seem into it.

    When I tried playing Lady Gaga, I got this:



    Then Beyonce:



    Switching gears. Regina Spektor?



    Belle & Sebastian:



    Elliot Smith:


    (I kinda get the Elliot Smith dis. He's a pretty big bummer to listen to.)

    Realizing that littlest man was not a pop maniac nor a pseudo hipster, I moved on.

    Fleetwood Mac:



    Beck:



    The Cure:


    Hrrrrrrm. I also went ahead and played every song all the way through from Shaq Diesel, Shaquille O'Neal's debut rap/hip hop album, to make sure there wasn't at least one hook Ward liked. I won't show you the pictures of those reactions, because frankly, they were disturbing.

    Well, after we both recovered from Ward's ShaqRevolt 2011, there was still one genre left for me to try. I personally love it, but figured Ward would not be old enough to appreciate (kids these days) this music. Turns out he must be something of an old soul.

    Ray Charles:



    Aloe Blacc:



    Nicki Minaj:

    Sorry, baby. Cruel joke. Go back to sleep...


    Amos Lee:



    Earth, Wind & Fire:


    Babies can really be a true litmus test for those of you wondering if you have good taste in things such as music, food, clothes, and movies. Next, I plan on showing Ward each of the seven Saw movies to find out which one he likes best. Excited!!

    Thursday, August 4, 2011

    SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND

    Not many people know this, but I like shiny things. Gems, glitter, prisms, well-polished metals, anything that has facets (even metaphorical kinds) is my friend. Best friend! 

    Rhinestones are my favorite of all, always have been. In fact, my first "shoplifting" experience involved picking up a purple rhinestone the size of my palm that had broken off of a brooch at the Dollar Tree. Slipped it in my purse (because seriously MOM, Dollar Tree did not care) then proudly showed it to mother after we left. She gasped like a mother in law from one of those romantic comedies when the bride decides not to say I do at the alter, then delivers a tender diatribe about following her heart while the groom nods understandingly and has a faint tear of acceptance in his eye. 

    Anyway, back to my story, I still think about how different my life would have been had mom not made me go back into the store and place the rhinestone where I found it on the ground by the rack of jewelry (that term being used loosely since this was a dollar store). Would I still be where am I now? Or would that gem have butterfly effect-ed me to being something like the CEO of Microsoft? Secretary of State? Perhaps a hip hop mogul? Could I have been spending my days drinking champagne with people like Mischa Barton and my favorite singer/actress Debbie Gibson?

    But I digress.

    If there are two things in this world that I love, it's shine and muumuus. Reading that word with my eyes makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a seizure. Muumuus. WHY CAN'T I JUST STAY ON TOPIC MAYBE IF I TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND DENY MYSELF THE TREACHEROUS LUXURY OF PUNCTUATION IT WILL FORCE ME TO GET TO THE POINT WHICH IS THIS MY MOM SENT ME AN AWESOMELY CUSTOM-MADE MUUMUU TODAY:

    DO YOU LIKE

    METHINKS YOU DO

    IT AIN'T MY BURFDAY BUT I GOT MAH
    NAME ON THE CAKE - LIL WAYNE

    WHIMSICAL MUUMUU FROM A
    JAUNTY ANGLE
    HIPSTER MUUMUU FROM A HIPSTER APP
    SO WHEN I GOT THIS IN THE MAIL I REMEMBERED THE CONCLUSION THAT I HAD DRAWN SO LONG AGO AS A LITTLE GIRL:

    ALL THINGS ARE BETTER WITH RHINESTONES

    FOODS TASTE BETTER!
    RELIGIONS ARE TRUER!
    PHONES RING CLEARER 








    BABIES
    ARE
    HAPPIER






    Much like television, recreational drugs, and speed boats, rhinestones are an essential part of your happiness!