Monday, October 24, 2011

Julia's Kraft Korner


*ahem* Hello, and welcome to Julia's Kraft Korner: Where krafts are in the korner. Today, I will be showing you how to make a mobile for your maniac of a child who must be constantly entertained while awake or his incessant crying will cause you to stuff loofahs into your ears and crawl head first into a sleeping bag little rugrat!

Here are the materials you will need:
  • Sticks
  • Yarn
  • Hammer or hammer-like substitute (such as canned food, phone book, mostly full gallon of milk, etc.)
  • Christmas ornaments
  • Dental floss
  • More yarn (because you probably didn't get enough the first time)


Step 1:  Pour cranberry-flavored Crystal Light into a wine glass and pretend to get drunk.

Step 2: Stand on couch while holding wine glass and explain/slur to your mate that you are feeling "the primal urges of my human soul compelling me to create."

Step 3: Try to paint a landscape using nail polish on a piece of cardboard; if the work is proving insufficient in bringing forth any elan vital, break it over your knee in an angst-fueled rage. Note: Up until this point, you must not have put down your wine glass at any time.

Step 4: Buy sticks from Hobby Lobby, then come home and turn on Dancing with the Stars.

Step 5: Stack sticks on stop of each other in opposing directions, making what should look like a real-life asterisk.

Step 6:  Text friend about Ricki Lake's cha-cha routine (Love Ricki!! It's because she keeps her performances so honest.)

Step 7: Try to drive a nail through the center of stick asterisk to hold sticks together. Note: If you lack the upper body strength to nail the sticks together, pour some more wine and stand in front of your bathroom mirror berating yourself until you find the strength within. Googling "exercise htre arms for woman  pleaase" may or may not help in this process.

Step 8: Order pizza.

Step 9: When pizza arrives, pull wad of cash out from the elastic waistband of your maternity jeans and hand the delivery boy a semi-soggy five dollar bill.

Step 10: Fist pump to yourself when he says you can keep the fiver (wheelin and dealin, baby!).

Step 11: Once you have eaten the entire pizza by yourself, return to your project. Wrap your stick asterisk with yarn instead of painting it, because seriously, paint is overrated (see Steps 3 & 6).

Step 12: Blah blah blah floss blah blah hang ornaments blah yougettheidea blah blah.

Step 13: Drink more wine and recall the Christmas of 2009 when your niece kept calling them "hornaments" and no one corrected her because it was too funny.

Step 14: Hang completed mobile from either a hat rack or a broken floor lamp (if the latter, cover it with a pashmina to class things up a bit).

Step 15: Spin mobile vigorously to test its structural integrity.


Voila! Now you're a great mom!
(And I'm sorry I don't say that more often. You really are a treasure.)
 Note: You may need to reconsider the engineering of the mobile if the ornaments are being consistently propelled across the room when the mobile is spun. However, you could just deal with flying ornament problem later if it's unlikely that they'll actually hit the baby in vital areas, such as the face or groin.

3 comments:

  1. I looove that, Julia! So so cute. And I totally wanna make one now!! :)

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  2. Hee hee! Love it! I hope that little man appreciates all that you do for him! :)

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