Wednesday, November 23, 2011

My Advice to Young Women

Please read my list titled: Things Women Should Stop Doing Because It's the Twenty-first Century and When People Say Things Like "Because It's the Twenty-first Century" It's Supposed to Explain Why They are Saying Whatever They are Saying

Admiring Marilyn Monroe - When my elementary school teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didn't answer "I wanna be pretty!" because, while that was true, I was smart enough to know that I should be embarrassed to give such a shallow answer, even as a little kid. (And besides TRASH MAN BECAUSE HELLO HANGING ON TO THE BACK OF A TRUCK.)
Asking Dr. Oz how to lose weight - Dr. Oz episodes are a zero sum game, meaning: for every show he does about losing weight, that's one LESS show he can dedicate to things like extra toes and lazy eyes and conjoined twins and butt tumors and butt rashes and other interesting butt deformities. WE WANT MORE BUTTS.

Hating sluts - Let sluts do what they want, they aren't hurting you! Besides, if those women didn't enjoy promiscuity, then the men that they are currently satisfying would be bothering the rest of us and may even be forced to go door-to-door. Why not just applaud them for being on the front lines?
Avoiding science - People who are good at science MAKE ALL OF THE MONEY. Despite what you may hear from NO ONE, women can be scientists, too!!

Spending more than $200 on any accessory or item of clothing (I know, I know...I hate this one too) - But the facts are undeniable: 1.Your ROI on clothes and accessories is basically zero, so keep the economic gluttony to a minimum. 2. For every Fendi handbag that you're dying to get, there are fifteen other handbags that are almost as cute and cost $3547843950743859 less. 3. Did you know that your money can buy things like clothes and food for sweet little babies in other parts of the world? I don't really get how it works, but apparently there are ways for your money to go through the internet to places like Rwanda and Cambodia! Technology these days!

Writing quotes about boys - Photoshop should be used for more important things like putting Santa hats on rabbis or printing out fake coupons for free Big Macs to use at McDonald's.


  1. Wait, people make fake McDonald's coupons???