Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Who to Trust?

Dr. Phil,

It's me again, Ward Rehder. I wrote to you like a week ago and you still haven't answered  me. And while my faith in you is waning faster than a member of Ted Haggard's congregation, I'm going to write you one more time...with a different issue.

It's about my dad.

I've been watching a lot of True Hollywood Story lately, and I've noticed a disturbing trend: extraordinarily cute & talented children are often taken advantage of by their parents. Lindsay Lohan, Gary Coleman, Malia Obama, etc. Their lives were ruined and their fortunes plundered by the very people who should have been their greatest advocates. Talent is to be respected, not exploited. Admired, not abused. Cherished, not ignored. Appreciated, not player-hated. Cultivated, not corn-holed. Seasoned, not spelunked. Delighted, not macaroni. Aerated, not Boxing Day. The beloved comedian Bob Hope, not handkerchiefs. Coconut bra, not Cracker Jacks poured into the gas tank of a self-propelled lawn mower. You get what I'm saying.

I know I'm no Gerber baby, so I won't rely on my looks. I plan on focusing my efforts on hitting all developmental milestones early to earn the extremely rare and coveted title of "gifted." Once this has happened, the media offers will start rolling in from various networks, maybe like Nickelodeon or PBS or even Fox News (fingers crossed!!). And as a baby who is acutely aware of his own potential, I am considering some preemptive action when it comes to who will be in my life once I hit the big time.

So I'm asking you: Should I dump my dad before my ascent to stardom?

My mother is a non-issue because she's rarely home, and when she is, she just sits on the floor pulling all the books down from the bookshelf and giggling. I do not see her as a threat. Dad, however, seems to have half a brain, which could be half too much, so I'm coming to you. I've thrown together a list of pros and cons for you to consider.

Good Dad
He gives me head massages. Because life can get so crazy so fast.  
I have work deadlines, mortgage payments, and do NOT even get me 
started on my ex-wife. Dad understands that I can't always be everything 
to everyone. Sometimes I need a little time to recharge.

He gives me baths. Did I mention that I LOVE BATHS? I LOVE BATHS.


Brawn. When one lacks the strength and mobility alone to sit and 
thoughtfully take in the framed pictures on the wall, a father 
is incredibly useful

Our cuddles. Some say that cuddles are for whimps, but those 
people are ignorant and racist. Chauvinists. And murderers.

Bad Dad

Totally ignores me whenever Maury is on. A LITTLE

Tummy time is for chumps, which is what 
Dad takes me for.

Public shaming under the guise of celebrating Halloween.

Grocery shopping. Like I have time for that.

Also, Dr. Phil, I've included a video of my father and me during one of our arguments. I feel it will help you better understand our family dynamic.

Thank you for reading this letter, Dr. Phil. I expect a prompt response, as we are both professionals, and I assume you have an understanding of how to maintain a cordial business relationship. I eagerly await your reply.

Edward Richard Rehder

1 comment:

  1. Ward is saying he prefers to be called Stormageddon: Dark Lord of All.
    Don't know what Sloan is saying... something about "mommy would never agree to that, but that's what I'll call you anyway."