It's me again, Ward Rehder. I wrote to you like a week ago and you still haven't answered me. And while my faith in you is waning faster than a member of Ted Haggard's congregation, I'm going to write you one more time...with a different issue.
It's about my dad.
I've been watching a lot of True Hollywood Story lately, and I've noticed a disturbing trend: extraordinarily cute & talented children are often taken advantage of by their parents. Lindsay Lohan, Gary Coleman, Malia Obama, etc. Their lives were ruined and their fortunes plundered by the very people who should have been their greatest advocates. Talent is to be respected, not exploited. Admired, not abused. Cherished, not ignored. Appreciated, not player-hated. Cultivated, not corn-holed. Seasoned, not spelunked. Delighted, not macaroni. Aerated, not Boxing Day. The beloved comedian Bob Hope, not handkerchiefs. Coconut bra, not Cracker Jacks poured into the gas tank of a self-propelled lawn mower. You get what I'm saying.
I know I'm no Gerber baby, so I won't rely on my looks. I plan on focusing my efforts on hitting all developmental milestones early to earn the extremely rare and coveted title of "gifted." Once this has happened, the media offers will start rolling in from various networks, maybe like Nickelodeon or PBS or even Fox News (fingers crossed!!). And as a baby who is acutely aware of his own potential, I am considering some preemptive action when it comes to who will be in my life once I hit the big time.
So I'm asking you: Should I dump my dad before my ascent to stardom?
My mother is a non-issue because she's rarely home, and when she is, she just sits on the floor pulling all the books down from the bookshelf and giggling. I do not see her as a threat. Dad, however, seems to have half a brain, which could be half too much, so I'm coming to you. I've thrown together a list of pros and cons for you to consider.
|He gives me baths. Did I mention that I LOVE BATHS? I LOVE BATHS.|
IN FACT, THE ONLY THING I LOVE MORE THAN
BATHS IS BATHS!!!
|Brawn. When one lacks the strength and mobility alone to sit and |
thoughtfully take in the framed pictures on the wall, a father
is incredibly useful.
|Our cuddles. Some say that cuddles are for whimps, but those |
people are ignorant and racist. Chauvinists. And murderers.
|Totally ignores me whenever Maury is on. A LITTLE |
HELP, DAD. SINCERELY, YOUR SUFFOCATING BABY.
|Tummy time is for chumps, which is what |
Dad takes me for.
|Public shaming under the guise of celebrating Halloween.|
|Grocery shopping. Like I have time for that.|
Also, Dr. Phil, I've included a video of my father and me during one of our arguments. I feel it will help you better understand our family dynamic.
Thank you for reading this letter, Dr. Phil. I expect a prompt response, as we are both professionals, and I assume you have an understanding of how to maintain a cordial business relationship. I eagerly await your reply.
Edward Richard Rehder