Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Feelin the Burn

People have been asking me how I have gotten so fit, and I tell them that I've been doing the Insanity workout, which is a lie. I have, however, watched the infomercial for those workout videos several times, and that is exhausting in its own way.

The truth is, as fabulous as I may look, I haven't lost all of my weight yet. Instead, I've been employing little tricks that give off the illusion that I'm thinner. Things like wearing dark colors at my waist to visually cinch it in, and walking around in heels to lengthen the leg. Things like wearing skirts that hit at the knee so as not to look frumpy, and sucking in my stomach as much as is physically sustainable without losing consciousness. I have also discovered that wearing your winter coat indoors can really hide those problem areas. Yes, a nice heavy ski jacket can comfortably conceal the lovehandles one may get when wearing their husband's XL basketball shorts or that pencil skirt that won't quite zip all the way up.

Well, despite my fashion successes, Sloan convinced me that I still needed to join a gym because apparently "being in shape is more important than a daily 3 hour nap." So I signed up and went for the first time last week after work, and it was not pretty. But what was I expecting? When you realize at 3 in the afternoon that your underwear is on backwards, it's just not a good day to try new things. But in my defense, I thought things were going my way because not only had I seen a rainbow that morning, but I had also found a fruit snack in my bra while changing into my gym clothes!

Let me just explain a few things to those of you fat and lazy slobs who don't have a gym membership like I do: I will start out by saying the worst part about working out at a gym is the working out part. And the rest of the stuff, too, that stuff sucks. Do you know how long you have to ride a stationary bike to burn more than ten calories? Too long. And no matter what workout you do, sweat rolls down your butt like you're some kind of animal. Also, if you push yourself too hard, say by running half a mile on the treadmill, you will throw up into a trash can. But most importantly, don't make the same mistake I did: do not waltz into the gym wearing your high school gym shorts and a baggy shirt. Women don't wear comfortable workout clothes these days, you big dumbo. Wear something more like this:

And another thing, don't wear a sweatshirt into the gym, because you won't know where to put it so you'll just try to nonchalantly work out while wearing it until you start to notice you're exhibiting the signs of heat stroke. Then, since you still don't know where everyone else is putting their jackets, just go ahead and leave. You can take off your sweatshirt in the car.


  1. Pretty soon I'm going to be right there with you! We should go shopping for some workout clothes together.

  2. I spit a little water out of my mouth, because of laughing.
    Now I look like a big dumb slob.
    I might as well be at the gym.

  3. hilarious! belongs in a newspaper...and I'm not just your mom...uhhh...really...

  4. I think that's the first thing I'm gonna do after baby #2, get a gym membership, I've been wanting one for a long time, and my husband just cant imagine having another monthly bill. Maybe when he sees what I'll look like after months of sacrifice in a white bikini, he will invest whatever is necessary. So which gym are you going to?