Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Real American Hero

Julia Rehder spent the morning of March 10th just like any other morning; running a quick ten miles uphill backwards, serving her husband breakfast in bed, and teaching a daily physics lesson to her eight month old son. However, it was during Mrs. Rehder's routine semi-weekly trip to the glitter aisle of Hobby Lobby* that the routineness of her routine became decidedly not-so-routine

While studying a pack of ultra fine Marth Stewart shimmer dust, Julia felt a shopping cart slowly bearing down on her. First attempting to step out of the way, Julia quickly realized that the woman to whom the cart belonged was leaning heavily against it because as she was on the verge of fainting.

"I didn't even think," Mrs. Rehder says, "I just sprang into action." She proceeded to hold the cart steady as she made her way to the woman, who was now slouched over the bar and sliding to the floor. Julia nimbly slipped her strong (yet elegant) arms beneath the woman as she fell.

"She looked so agile," said a witness, "I mean, she didn't do anything like knock all of the merchandise off the shelves and slide awkwardly to the floor with the lady half lying on top of her. It was nothing like that. And she definitely didn't grab that poor lady's boob to steady herself as they fell, because that would've been super weird!"

After safely lowering the ailing woman to the ground, Julia knelt by her calmly while store personnel were called to the scene.

"I knew the worst thing to do in that sort of situation was panic. I had to stay calm if we were both going to make it through alive," said Rehder.

Fortunately, the woman woke up soon after the incident (approximately 5 seconds). She explained that she had not been feeling well the whole morning. "Oh dear, this is so embarrassing. Thank you for catching me," witnesses reported her saying, "Why does my boob hurt?"

Once she was sure that the woman was okay, Julia managed to slip out of the store unnoticed, despite the throngs of store patrons who had by that time gathered around to praise her for her courageous actions. 

We caught up with her as she got into her car. "I just feel really uncomfortable with being called things like a 'hero' or an 'enchanting and beautiful warrior,' or whatever else everyone keeps saying I am," says Mrs. Rehder, "I'm just an ordinary woman with an ordinary life of ordinary accomplishments. I earn my PhDs and keys to the city just like everyone else: one day at a time."

*A little background may be necessary for those unfamiliar with crafting: approaching the glitter aisle in a craft store is a serious, and at times dangerous, undertaking. For the emotionally ill-prepared, being in the presence of that much glitter (let alone attempting to choose anything less than all of it for purchase) can be such a euphoric experience that a loss of conscientiousness is their body's only capable reaction.


  1. that mariah was a nice touch, hero.

  2. OK, this is hilarious! I might just have to start following your antics Mrs. Julia Rehder.