Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Le Sigh

My master plan was to use a few of my recent picture-heavy entries to parlay this "humor" blog (I use the term loosely, seeing as I don't think I'm that funny [I actually do think I'm pretty funny, but how annoying would I be if I admitted that {oh man, I just admitted it «is this what it's like to hold to mirrors up to each other? I'm seriously freaking out right now »}]) into one of those chic lifestyle blogs that all of the pretty young moms have these days. I really thought a few (hundred) of my Instagram filtered-pictures would carry me into internet stardom and that everyone would comment about my clothes and hair and my shapely figure and my eye for sunsets and how good I am at cooking and how they were so jelly of my life and then Victoria Beckham would call me for professional advice and I'd just be like "Talk to my agent, Valerie. Oh, what's that? You're name's Victoria? Okay, whatever, just call my agent because I am very busy with things like meetings and appointments and panels (?) And how did you get my number in the first place, Val?"

And this would be my picture blog that started it all for our fashionable family.
Fashionable. Family.
But then my idiot sister-in-law said that no one reads my blog for the pictures so I should just go back to writing about the stupid stuff Sloan does. And, honestly, I know that if I want to keep my readership in the double digits, I should just do that. *sigh* Well, photo dumps, it was nice while it lasted! But really, who was I kidding? I'm not hip! I mean, it's 2012 and I still don't even know what the Funky Cold Medina is. So, here's to less pictures and MORE LAUGHS amIright?
How Mikyn looks when she laughs

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Celeb(ratory)

Julia: *runs into living room, holding laptop* SLOOOOOOAN!! I got linked yesterday and now a lot of people just started reading my blog!!!
Sloan: *playing video game* Oh, that's good, baby.
Julia: I got six new subscribers in less than three hours! That would've normally taken weeks!
Sloan: *still playing video game* Uh huh.
Julia: Don't you get it? *jumps in front of tv* WE'RE GONNA BE RICH!
Sloan: *pauses game* That's not exactly how it works, Julia.
Julia: Oh, I KNOW that's not how it really works!
Sloan: Good, because for a second-
Julia: I'm gonna be the rich one! Not you! *throws laptop into the air* I'm rich!!*crash*
Sloan: *sigh*

Goodnight!

 One of Sloan's favorite things to do is work me into a rage late at night while we're lying in bed and I'm trying to sleep. That pretty much sums it up, so let's just get to it.

Warning: Sloan is super obnoxious in the following story. Discretion is advised.

Julia: *yawn* *turns out lamp* Night.
Sloan: Good night, my baby girl...my beautiful southern angel...my little sparkling apple slice.
Julia: Stop it. Do not rile me.
Sloan: Listen, friend. I have no interest in riling you.
Julia: Good.
Sloan: But if I DID have any interest in that, friend of mine, I don't think that would be so bad.
Julia: Stop.
Sloan: WHOA! No need to get angry, friend of a friend!
Julia: *silence*
Sloan: ...
Julia: *silence*
Sloan: *faaaaaaaaaart*
Julia: *silence*
Sloan: *faaaart*
Julia: Stop it.
Sloan: Stop what, friendly neighbor? It's a completely normal bodily function!
Julia: You're pushing them out. YOU'RE PUSHING THEM OUT TO RILE ME.
Sloan: What I'm trying to do is not rile you.
Julia: Oh yeah?
Sloan: Do you know what "not rile" is short for?
Julia: Huh?
Sloan:  "Not rile" is actually short for notoriously rile. So when I'm saying I'm trying to not rile you, I mean that I'm trying to notoriously rile you. That's what I'm trying to do.
Julia: That is the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to anyone else. That's not even the right part of speech...
Sloan: Actually, I'm trying to de-notoriously rile you.
Julia: What? Just stop talking!
*pause*
Julia: But just for the record, you're trying to de-notoriously rile me? So you're trying to not rile me? In a...notorious manner? Whatever that even means.
Sloan: What? Oh *throws head back* HA!! No, I can see why you'd think that. But "de-notoriously rile" is actually short for definitely notoriously rile.
Julia: This has to be absolutely the most moronic exchange that has ever taken place.
Sloan: ....*faaaaaaart*

Monday, April 16, 2012

Rehders 1:1-14

And it came to pass that in the fourth year of the reign of Obama that Sloan, the son of Ed, found no favor in his wife, Julia. For he did think of her as a most vile and stiff-necked woman.

Yea, it was Julia who did abandon Sloan and the babe for the purpose of hurriedly forging a single amigurumi bunny in the space of two days. Yea, a bunny to be donated for a church service auction.

For Julia did work, over the space of two days, yea she did not leave her dwelling. She did forge the bunny to seek the favor of the women of Bainbridge Island Relief Society. Yea, she did lust after the admiration of their hearts.

And yea, verily, the bunny was completed in time for the auction and Julia did rejoice, despite the soreness of her fingers.

And it came to pass that the bidding did begin, yea, the bidding for the bunny. And Julia's heart did swell with pride, for the auctioneer did speak words of flattery toward the bunny.

And the auctioneer did ask for an opening bid.

Regen, sister of Sloan, did offer the first bid. Yea, for Regen did look upon Julia's afflictions and desired to offer succor.

And it came to pass that the auctioneer did ask for the next bid, yea he did beseech the crowd. Who will seek to own this fine bunny? He asked, Who among you will buy this creature?

And it came to pass that no person did step forward.

The auctioneer did put forth much supplication, yea, he did call to those gathered there. Who among you will own this bunny?

And the crowd did stay quiet. Yea, even the crickets did still their voices.

Sold! The auctioneer did cry. Sold, O people of Bainbridge! It has been done!

And the bunny was sold.

Yeah, the bunny was sold to the only bidder, yea, to Regen, sister of Sloan. And Julia did return home, where there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Self Help

Sloan: I like this picture you put up on Facebook.
Julia: Thanks! I mean, whatever, I am just so ugly, right?
Sloan: What? No, you look pretty.
Julia: Ugh, just call me Frankenstein!
Sloan: Julia, you don't look like Frankenstein.
Julia: FINE! I'll get plastic surgery! Personally, I don't really care how I look but I want my husband to be happy, and if that means having the doctor suck out my back fat, then cut my nose off and sew on a new one donated by a celebrity, I'll do it!
Sloan: You do know that's not how plastic surgery works, right?
Julia: Do they use old noses from anyone?
Sloan: *sigh* Hey, wait...who took this picture?
Julia: What? You did.
Sloan: No I didn't...
Julia: Sure you did. *stands up* *yawn* Oh man, it's late!
Sloan: It's 3 in the afternoon.*squints at computer* I definitely didn't take this.
Julia: Did I mention that I just feel so ugly right now! Ugh!
Sloan: Let me see your phone.
Julia: Hey gimme that!!
Sloan: What the...


Sloan: YOU took the picture!!
Julia: I didn--
Sloan: You took pictures of yourself pretending to be asleep with your baby?? 
Julia: It's not a big deal--
Sloan: That's what crazy people do!
Julia: *grabs Sloan by shoulders* You listen to me, you little rat. Yeah maybe I DID take candid self-portraits of myself as a beautiful mother napping next to her okay-looking child. But no one has to know that. NO ONE. *squeezes tighter* Do you understand?
Sloan: *shocked silence*
Julia: I'll take that as a yes. *releases grip* Now WHERE did I leave those pork rinds?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

This is how we do

The pond house
On the Bainbridge ferry (check out those RPMs!)
My anxiety baby holding on for dear life
Stallions
Derp
Eagle Harbor
I guess Ward loves Teriyaki Town, too
All up on Grandma
Bro time in the hot tub
Lookin fly with our necklaces
Agate Pass
Papa's "things on head" protege

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

How to Make a Move

Getting everything packed and ready to move to a new home can be very stressful. In fact, during the process, you may begin to wonder why you have any stuff at all. You may become so delirious that you ask preposterous questions such as: Is there a reason that our family of three owns 37 plates? Who bought all of these decorative coasters? And why does Julia a person own 29 pairs of shoes? I mean, you can only wear one (MAYBE two) pairs at a time, so what's with the extra 27?

Wow, what dumb questions! Stop acting so crazy!

*ahem* Hello, my name is Julia Rehder, and welcome to my instructional article "How to Make a Move," where I will share with you some simple tips on how to pack up all of your damn stuff.

Step One: Put your dishes out!

Stacked plates and carefully-arranged cups inherently look so organized, that by simply having them out in the open, you look like you have things under control. Who cares if you don't actually need to pack any of those items for another two weeks? Go ahead and get 'em out! This step is essential in keeping up your moving morale because it makes you feel more organized than you really are. And don't be afraid of putting out your dishes...do you only have two mugs? No problem! Your "other" mugs are just in the dishwasher! Do your plates mismatch? You're so whimsical! And while you're at it, a well-placed plastic bin of Christmas ornaments on your kitchen table can really help give off that Better Homes and Gardens vibe.

Step Two: Don't do your laundry!

Scientists recommend that during the weeks preceding your move, you should not make an effort to do laundry. But if you MUST clean your clothes, at least do not to fold them. I repeat, it is essential that you not fold your clothes, as this is extremely helpful as you begin packing up the contents of your home. Remember, science says so, and while I probably should explain more about this, it's all a little too complicated.

Step Three: Take all of the things and put them somewhere, as long as that 'somewhere' is not the place that they actually belong.


Obviously.