Thursday, May 31, 2012

Lay Offs

*lying in bed*
Sloan: I'm sorry you got fired today, baby.
Julia: I didn't get fired. I got laid off.
Sloan: Everyone gets fired once in their life, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Julia: I'm not ashamed, because I didn't get fired.
Sloan: What's that saying? Something about how not everyone can be good at everything and that's why fish can't climb trees or something?
Julia: What?
Sloan: I'm just saying don't get down on yourself. You can only have so many skills; that's why no one would ever say that a fish wasn't as good as the other fishes if it couldn't climb a tree.
Julia: I'm not really--
Sloan: No one would expect something like that from even the greatest fish in the world, just like no one expects you to be the best employee in the universe.
Julia: I didn't get fired because I was incompetent. I was laid off because my project was moved to India.
Sloan: And you know, over there kids go to school for like 18 hours a day and are practically trained in their professions around the same time an American child is just learning how to read, so really, no one expects you to compete with that.
Julia: What are you talking about? Are you confusing India with China...where all of that is still not true, by the way...
Sloan: It's just too bad that our contract on that house fell through since you got fired before the loan was approved. 
Julia: Oh yeah, I had already forgotten about that since this morning. Thanks for the reminder.
Sloan: I mean, sure we're going to have to pay $90,000 in a couple of months for my first year of tuition, but we'll find a way to survive on whatever money we can scrape together for rent. I mean, I'm selling my iPhone, so there's $300 right there. Only about $600 and we've got a roof over our heads for the first month!
Julia: Can you please stop talking?
Sloan: Just remember, to Symantec you may be a little fishy who can't climb trees, but to me, you're the best fishy in the world.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Writing Advice

I've been getting letters from readers asking for writing advice, which is funny because I can't actually read or write! You see, I dictate my blog posts to Sloan and he just types away as I talk and clicks "Publish" and next thing I know, all of these people are loving my blog! And Mikyn said that having a blog solely dedicated to the babies from Teen Mom was a dumb idea! Ha!

Anyway, because I'm so good at this, I figured I'd pass along some writing tips to my faithful readers, and by "writing tips" I mean "talk at your husband about Teen Leah's custody issues while he goes clicky clacky on the computer and smiles reassuringly at you."

Tip #1: You don't have to write to be a good writer! Now this one might seem obvious, as I just explained to you that I am very successful despite lacking "traditional" reading skills. But for those of you who are still skeptical, you need to remember that literacy is a specialized skill! And just like with everything else in life, you don't necessarily need the skill yourself. Would you perform surgery on yourself? Heck no! So why would you go through all the trouble of learning how to read and write when almost everyone you know can already do that for you? A lot of people will even do it for you for free if they are your friends or family! SAVE THE BRAIN SPACE!

Tip #2: Be from the South. People LOVE that. When I tell someone I'm from the South and/or when I speak with a southern accent, I can tell that they go from seeing me as a normal 26 year old woman to seeing me as this:

Everything I say is

For example, here is a picture of my grandma.

Cute, right?

Well, what if I told you that this picture was taken in the middle of her telling us that, "Papaw done put in them tuh-may-duh plants and they's already this high."

This picture just got a whole lot cuter. 

Tip #3: *yawn* Oh, are you still here? Yeesh, I haven't helped you enough? Listen, I don't have time to walk you through every little piece of the entire writing process, so it's time to cut the cord. Go off on your own now, young apprentice, go and write!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Dirtay!

Hey dummies! The Nomadic Summer continues for the Rehders as we touch down in Memphis to hang out with my parents for a few weeks. Here is what we've been up to the past couple of weeks...

Oh, whoops! How did THAT get there? 

Wait a that Mikyn? No! Couldn't be! The sweet and demure Mikyn that I know would never be so brash as to pose sensually in a striped polo and fierce newsboy cap. This must be some other flaxen-haired maven, SURELY.

Anyway, back to me! Back in Memphis! And in one week, mayhem will descend upon the Moore household as the remaining siblings arrive with their litters of children and we attempt to sleep five to a room for two weeks.

Hold on to your butts.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dear Diary

Hi, it's me, Julia! Sloan, Ward, and I are touching down in Las Vegas right now to start our house hunt tomorrow, and I am so excited to see the city! Since I don't know much about Las Vegas, I googled it and found out that this place is teeming with women who are just standing around in groups waiting to find more friends to hang out with!

Let's go swimming!
Then catch a race!
We want to dance for you!
Drinks on us!
Instant girlfriends?! Fun!! This sounds perfect for a new girl like me who needs to make friends!! We could go shopping or do yoga or tan by the pool! I can't wait to get down there, diary!
...and here we are! It's 10 pm on the strip and I am about to go out and meet some new best friends--wait. What's this? Where are all of the girls? All I see are dudes!

More dudes.
Just dudes.

*sigh* I was really looking forward to making new girlfriends tonight. Hmm, maybe tomorrow I'll try to stop by the pool--UGH

More dudes?!
Oh come on!

Hey wait! I see a couple of girls over there behind that dude...

Jon Gosselin?!

This is going to be a long 4 years, diary.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Long-Suffering Wife

Sloan is my man, and I love him. I love him because he is funny and shy and German and he is smart enough (I guess) and because one day he might be rich; but even all of that can't keep me patient with his obnoxiousity some days.
  • He likes to ruin pictures by whispering something creepy to me right before the flash goes off:
  • He calls me chumba. ("Chumba, are you asleep?" "What's wrong with my little chumba?" "Listen, chumba, I'll stop playing when I get to a place where I can save.") 
  • When he is showing pictures of animals to Ward and gets to the hippos, instead of saying "hippo" Sloan carefully articulates "mama." So Ward thinks that hippos are called mamas.
  • He sets my iphone screen to photos like this:
  • He misinforms me constantly, almost pathologically, regarding trivial information. Things like the names of people he knows when I spot them around his hometown. "Him? Oh yeah, that's Abner Glockenspiel, remember? Go say hi! What?? That's his name! You are so immature, Julia." Or if he starts watching a movie on Netflix when I'm not there see the actual title, he will not tell me what the name of the movie is until I basically have an emotional meltdown. This may sound stupid, and it is, but it is surprisingly irksome. "What does it matter, Julia? Why do you HAVE to know the name of this movie? Just sit back, relax, and watch it with me! Just think of our home as a name-free zone for media." One time, we got 90 minutes into a movie before he'd tell me the name of it, The Day the Cows Came Home. As you can guess, when I tried looking up the movie days later on IMDB, that title didn't exist. Still not certain of the name.
  • And one time, he farted on my pillow when he THOUGHT I wasn't looking.
I guess I'm publishing this more for posterity than anything else, because I have no solution to this problem that doesn't include self-medicating and/or illegal acts.