Thursday, August 30, 2012

Nothing New...

The Scene: Julia and Sloan are in bed. Julia is sitting up, playing winning a game on her cell phone. Sloan is lying down with his his arms behind his head and his cell phone on his chest. He reaches over and picks up his glasses from the nightstand. He puts them on and taps a button on his phone. BEEP

Sloan: Ahem.*speaking into phone* It is Monday, August 27th, 2012. Dear Diary, hello. It is me, Sloan.
Julia: *staring at Sloan*
Sloan: Today was an okay day. The breakfast they served us at orientation was kind of gross, but they had a lot of hash browns, which was pretty cool.
Julia: *still staring at Sloan*
Sloan: *presses button on phone* BEEP  *turns to Julia* Why are you staring at me? What is it?!
Julia: *perplexed* What are you doing?
Sloan: *exasperated* What does it look like I'm doing? I'm keeping an audio diary using my phone's recorder.
Julia: I can see that, I'm just wonder--
Sloan: *takes off glasses* If you can see that, then why did you ask?
Julia: *surprised* I don't know, I guess I was just--
Sloan: Sweetheart, I have a lot to cover in this journal entry. Can we talk about this later? *puts on glasses* BEEP  Sorry diary, I'm back. Julia has been getting on my nerves a lot lately. I've been trying really hard to be patient though, so that's good.
Julia: *sigh*

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bedtime Delusions

Julia: I miss Mikyn.
Sloan: *sits up* What did you just say?
Julia: I said I miss Mi-
Sloan: STOP I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
Julia: She just makes funny jokes sometimes.
Sloan: *turns on lamp* Sweetie, are you depressed?
Julia: I...I don't know. *pause* I just miss Mikyn.
Sloan: Stop saying that!
Julia: She always eats my cooking, no matter how gross it is.
Sloan: Stop! Snap out of it!
Julia: And sometimes when she dances, she doesn't look so dumb.
Sloan: *grabs Julia's shoulders* *sternly* Come back to me, Julia.
Julia: I miss Mikyn.
Sloan: *slaps Julia's face* GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
Julia: *stunned* What...just happened? I'm so scared! *sob*
Sloan: *holds Julia close* Shhh, there there. It's okay, baby, you're with me. Shhh, shhh.

Mikyn about the embark on the trail
commemoratively named for her
by the state of Oregon.

Monday, August 20, 2012

About Me (Ward)

Some of my nicknames are...
Wardo
Bingo Bongo
Wardy Boy
Wardy Tordy Puddin and Pie
Mr. Magoo
Bubba Boy
Meaty Man
Tootie Fruits
Bubbie Dubbie Bing Bong

And I like to...
stand on my head

crawl into small spaces

get haircuts

sit on precipices

jump on couches

put things on my head
crawl like an animal
  
interrupt mommy's bathroom time
I learned this one from dad (right)

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Things I've Learned about Las Vegas


  • It's really hot and windy out here. Have you ever felt hot wind? I hadn't until the first time I stepped outside the airport here; it literally feels like someone is blasting you in the face with a hairdryer. And while that might sound refreshing, it's not. It's not refreshing.
How Sloan looks when we go outside.
How I look when we go outside.

  • Driving through Las Vegas on the main interstate, I-15, will pretty much explain the birds and the bees to your kids if they look at the billboards. Those things get pretty freaky pretty fast.
I added those smiley faces.
You're welcome. And I'm sorry.

  • Palm trees are everywhere out here, and they make everything seem more luxurious. Palm trees in front of Burger King, palm trees in front of WalMart, palm trees in front of adult bookstores (adult bookstores, my mom explained to me as a kid, were where elderly people like to shop for books without noisy kids running around. Adults can be such snobs!)

  • People here still have/use wet bars in their houses, just like they still have/use Ed Hardy apparel. And platform tennis shoes.

  • Dirt and rocks. Dirt and rocks.
Dirt
...and rocks

  • People are really friendly out here. I was kind of assuming over 75% of the people I interacted with would be drunk at all times, but it's really closer to 50%.

  •  IT'S A GREAT DAM PLACE

    Wednesday, August 15, 2012

    Pinteresting

    Julia: Ooh! Check out this fabric train book pattern! I could make one for Ward to play with during church!!
    Julia: But you don't have a sewing machine.
    Julia: I can hand sew it!
    Julia: You don't know how to hand sew.
    Julia: Hot glue it is!
    Julia: And fabric, do have you that?
    Julia: I'll improvise a little.

    This idea brought to you by http://craftfail.com/.

    Tuesday, August 14, 2012

    It's Here to Stay!

    Sloan: You need to stop making gross jokes on your blog. You're more sophisticated than that.
    Julia: You read my blog??
    Sloan: Well, I usually avoid it, but it's been a pretty slow summer, so...
    Julia: YES! And do you LOVE IT?
    Sloan: What? No. That's what I'm trying to tell you! It's full of stupid jokes!
    Julia: Oh come on, they aren't that bad. I mean, everything on there would be a lot funnier if I could use curse words, but our parents read it. So, unless you have better ideas, the farting and pooping and bikini waxes are here to stay.
    Sloan: Fine, don't take my advice. But you're losing readers.
    Julia: You not reading my blog doesn't count as "losing readers."
    Sloan: ...well...it should.

    Wednesday, August 8, 2012

    Home Tour

    Hello, friends. My name is Edward and welcome to my home. Please slip on these complimentary booties so as to protect our apartment's luxuriously plush carpeting.

    Come along now.

    This is my living room. And these are 
    the couches upon which I spill my milk daily.

    Here is the guest bath, where I enjoy
    sticking my hands in the toilet.

    ...and that was the utility closet off the 
    side of the por--wait a second....looks 
    like someone closed the patio door. 
    Hello in there? *knock knock* Mother?


    *fanning self* Does it suddenly feel 
    really hot out here to anyone else? 
    *KNOCK KNOCK* MOM!! *pant*
    IT'S SO HOT OUT HERE!

    *pant* It's like a furnace!! 
    *THUNK THUNK* CAN ANYONE 
    HEAR ME?? HELP!!! *pant* 
    If I could just *grunt* open this door...
    My sippy cup is so...close!

    So close...

    Tuesday, August 7, 2012

    Groupoff

    Sloan: Oh man, my new Groupon app is awesome.
    Julia: *groan*
    Sloan: There are so many deals!!
    Julia: Sloan, it's 1:30 in the morning.
    Sloan: I mean, look at this. Baby, turn over and look. Just turn over for a second.
    Julia: *sigh* *turns over* And how are you just now hearing about Groupon?
    Sloan: They're selling this awesome juicer for HALF of what it's worth! All you have to do is buy the thing on Groupon instead of in a store and you get it for $70 less!!
    Julia: A juicer is literally one of the last things we need to buy. I mean, it's probably more useful to us than, like, buying a prosthetic leg...but barely.
    Sloan: And they have discounts on events, too! Like this Halloween race thing!
    Julia: *claps hands* Oh goody! Only $60 to run the famous "5K Las Vegas Halloween Weekend Urban Obstacle Run Presented by Rampage Races"? I am so there! *looks over Sloan's shoulder* Wait, what are you looking at now?
    Sloan: What? Nothing. Oh, I mean, I could get this one for you if you want. I mean, you know, because you girls like this kind of stuff. Here, I'll just go ahead and get this one for you to use.
    Julia: What the--
    Julia: A brazillian?! Are you insane? I'm too damn old for that stuff! And do you actually think women wax their genitals because they "like that kind of stuff?" *pause* Are you even listening to me? Wait, NOW what are you buying? *reaches for Sloan's phone*
    Sloan: Don't look! It's a surprise for you! You're gonna love it!

    Sunday, August 5, 2012

    Sophistication

    *toilet flush* 
    Sloan: *comes out of bathroom* Oh man. That was rough. *sigh*
    Julia: My poor little guy. You were in there for a while...do you feel better?
    Sloan: Yeah. I had a lot of soft gloppers that time. And near the end, there was this one--
    Julia: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
    *silence*
    Julia:What...is a soft glopper?
    Sloan: Exactly what it sounds like.

    Saturday, August 4, 2012

    BBBSG

    Well, now that we've settled in to our apartment in Las Vegas, I thought I'd give you a report on what we've been doing: nothing.

    We've been doing nothing.

    Well nothing that is bringing in an income, and that's all that matters, right?

    This is what we have been doing. I call this photo series:

    BATHING, BOXES, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

    BATHING
    BOXES

    BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
    BATHING
    BOXES

    BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
    BATHING
    BOXES
    BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

    BATHING
    BLINDS
    BUTT LUMPS
    HARRY POTTER SCAR
    Sorry. Things sort of devolved at the end.