Monday, September 24, 2012

If I Can Mom, Anyone Can Mom!

Since I've started staying at home with Ward full-time, I've had to make some life adjustments. For example, I guess it's common practice to cook a meal every day, which just sounds exhausting to me. And I read somewhere that I should be doing things like vacuuming under the furniture and washing the outside of my windows. Hearing these things also makes me realize that there is probably truth to a rumor I once heard that some people clean their sheets ONCE a WEEK. Are you kidding me? When I wash my sheets, I don't even get them out of the dryer and back onto the bed for at least a week. And if you're wondering what I do in the meantime, I'm totally cool with sleeping on a bare mattress and using a beach towel as a blanket, because if there's one thing I've learned so far, it's that sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. And sometimes it works. Sometimes.

Sometimes you're out of milk and your baby is crying in the middle of the night and so you pour a carton of Half & Half in his bottle and that does the trick.

Sometimes you just let your kid put a rock in his mouth because it'll help him realize they taste gross, but now he just eats rocks all of the time everywhere you go because apparently they're delicious.

Sometimes your little man is learning how to walk and you accidentally trip over him. Or you knee him in the face.

Sometimes late at night when your tiny man won't sleep and he throws a tantrum for the 23905th time after you take your cell phone out of his hands, you think, "Maybe it's not worth the 23906th tantrum," and you let him play with it. So then he calls your old boss at one in the morning while you're watching Curious George.

Sometimes you are trying to feed him and end up getting taco meat dangerously far up his nose.

Sometimes you are struggling to lift him out of the seat of the shopping cart and don't pay attention to his protests until he starts desperately swatting at your face to let him go, and then you realize that he's actually stuck and you were basically breaking his legs off at the knee.

And sometimes your baby manages to unfasten your bra while you're holding him and standing in line at the post office.

And sometimes you think, "I'm in charge? How are we going to survive?"

But then there are those times when you're getting ready for church and you're stressed because you feel fat and your hair looks like amateur hour and you hear your husband and son horsing around and don't they know IT'S ALMOST TIME TO GO GUYS and you walk in to find your baby politely seated on your bed, ready to go get the religion.

And he just looks so cute.

And then you think to yourself, "Okay. I can keep doing this."

And then you think to yourself, "Is his new shirt already too small?"

And then you think to yourself, "I should really change my shoes, these look stupid."

And then you think to yourself, "But I got these shoes three years ago and have never had the guts to wear them. It's time to man up!"

And then you think to yourself, "Yes, his shirt really is too small."


They grow up so fast.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Susie Moore: Saint

Like most people's mothers, my mother is my biggest fan. She laughs too hard at my jokes. She tells strangers much more about my life than they care to know. And during my childhood, she always kept a straight face whenever she told me I was pretty:

Yes, but Susie Moore is not only my biggest fan.

She's pretty much everyone's biggest fan.

Mom sincerely thinks any accomplishment is a great accomplishment. That's why everyone likes her. She is easy to love, she is easy to impress, and while it is wonderful that I have the nicest mother in the world, she's also easy to bait...

Note: Don't forget Mom's southern accent as you read this in your head. I'll help you by adding some pronunciations in parenthesis.
The Scene: At Julia's house, Julia and Sloan are looking through Julia's old yearbook.

Sloan: Wow, your senior picture is...rough...
Julia: Yeah well at least I didn't hold up a map of Middle Earth in my senior class photo.
Sloan: At least I wasn't in the German club.
Julia: At least I didn't run for class secretary and lose.
Sloan: At least I wasn't in band.
Mom: *from kitchen* Hey! ("hay")
Julia: *head shaking* Oh no...
Mom: *walks into living room* Sloan, it might not have been like this on Bainbridge Island ("aye-lund"), but band was very cool at Julia's high school!
Julia: *facepalm*
Sloan: *feigned innocence* Oh, I had no idea! *smirk at Julia*
Mom: They had over 250 members!
Sloan: *gasp* 250??
Julia: Mom...just don't...
Mom: And they won tons  of contests!
Sloan: *overly enthusiastic* Wow! They must have been awesome!
Mom: They were!! And since Julia was the drum major, she was like, the leader of all of them! *widens eyes, sweeps arms out to denote the multitude of band members* 
Sloan: Oh yeah, I forgot you were drum major! *pats Julia on back* My little leader of all those cool people!
Julia: *groan*
Mom: *walking back into kitchen, talking over shoulder* So, while band might not have been as popular to all y'all in Seattle ("See-at-uhl"), just know that Julia was very popular, mostly thanks to band!
Julia: *puts pillow over face*

Me with my three biggest fans: grandma, mom, and baby.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Sloan Acting Like a Mikyn Regen

Julia: Ah, finally, I think the casserole is done!
Sloan: I'll get it out of the oven. *CRASH* Uh oh...
Julia: What happened?!
Sloan: It slipped...
Julia: *sigh* UGH! That took me forever to make! Way to pull a Sloan.
Sloan: I know, I'm sorry...wait, what?
Julia: A Sloan. You pulled a Sloan. You Sloaned it up. It's a new saying I'm trying out. It means you screwed it up big time.
Sloan: Why are you using my name?? I hardly ever screw up! You're way worse than me!! Besides, using someone's name like that, you heard that idea on TV!
Julia: So? I can still do it, too. It's a free country. Don't get all Regen on me.
Sloan: Regen? What does that mean?
Julia: It means sassy and bossy, like your sister Regen, duh!
Sloan: But she's not even boss--oh, who am I kidding. That's actually a pretty good one.
Julia: *excited* You like that? I got a lot more! One for every family member!
Sloan: *sigh*
Julia: Being a Laura means getting a little too excited for your own good! And pulling a Richard means taking a joke too far until someone gets hurt and then felling really bad!
Sloan: Will you ever really get to use these in any situation?
Julia: And acting like a Darth is when you seem all quiet and tough but really you're weird and goofy. So, basically, you're always a Darth in public.
Sloan: I think I'm just a Sloan in public.
Julia: No! Remember, a Sloan is a screw up! You're not always a screw up in public, so you're not really a Sloan that often. You're a Darth.
Sloan: I'm surprised you haven't mentioned what a Mikyn is.
Julia: Oh, well, I decided that I will just use Mikyn's name as a general expletive. You know, like, "What the Mikyn is going on here?" or "If you don't shut your Mikyn mouth, I'll shut it for you!"
Sloan: And what is a Julia?
Julia: Oh, pulling a Julia means succeeding in life against all odds, whether it be having to tend to a crazy baby or being the perfect wife to an idiot husband. And looking good while doing it.
Sloan: *scoff* What a crock of Mikyn.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Things We Do for Love

Some evenings when Ward is asleep and it's been a long day, Sloan and I will just sit in the same room and not say a word to each other. It's a nice time to wind down. He'll be on his phone playing some weird Japanese baseball game, and I'll be on my computer reading about Snooki's birth story philosophy and politics.

Other evenings when Ward is asleep and it's been a long day, Sloan and I will just sit in the same room. And Sloan will bother me.

Until I explode.

The Scene: Quietly sitting on the couch after a hectic and loud day with the baby.
Julia: *reading*
Sloan: *playing game on phone* Baby?
Julia: Hm? *still reading*
Sloan: Why are you so mean to me when all I have ever done was love you unconditionally?
Julia: *rolls eyes, continues reading*
*five minutes later*
Sloan: *puts foot on Julia's leg, wiggles toes* Does this turn you on?
Julia: *continues reading*
*three minutes later*
Sloan: *sings something in Spanish* Did that turn you on?
Julia: *continues reading*
*one minute later*
Sloan: Does it turn you on when I sit and play games on my phone?
Julia: *continues reading*
Sloan: What turns you on more, when I laugh really hard or when I work out really hard?
Julia: *continues reading*
Sloan: Does it turn you on when I drink out of this water bottle *GULPGULPGULP*
Julia: Stop it, Sloan. *continues reading*
Sloan: *slaps couch* Just ANSWER the QUESTION!
Sloan: *puts finger in Julia's face* Remember, Julia. We had a DEAL! [Note: Nope. We had no deal. Still have no idea what he was referring to.]
Julia: *continues reading*
Sloan: *from other room* Baaabeeee! Does it turn you on when I yell at you from the other roooooom?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Ward's Daily Tasks

Eat mother's delicious pancakes

Begrudgingly go on walk

Stand on head

Play with non-toy items
Kitchen utensil
Wall decor
*ahem* You...get the idea.

Find the Bumbo, sit in it, then try to see the TV from wherever I am 

Move all the rocks

Climb onto everything

Climb into everything

Mirror photo shoot with mother

Listen to dad's jokes

Take bath

Go to bed

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Running is Funning!!

Julia: *comes in front door* Whew! *panting* What a good run! *pours water on head*
Sloan: Good job, baby! How far did you go?
Julia: *panting* Oh, I'm not a mile and a half. *pours water on head*
Sloan: Wow, and that's two days in a row you've gone running, isn't it?
Julia: Yep! *pours water on head* Welp, I'm gonna go take a bath!
*half an hour later*
Julia: *sits on couch* *turns on tv* *pours water on head*
Sloan: *looking at the computer* Sweetie, I just got an email from Amazon. Did you just order $350 worth of stuff?
Julia: What? No.
Sloan: Are you sure?
Julia: *silence*
Sloan:...because I'm pretty sure you just did.
Julia: I a couple of things.

Sloan: Oh, a shirt about got more shirts?

Rather be Running Sweatshirt
Exercise Jr. Jersey T-Shirt
Runner Chick Fitted Tee Women's Cap Sleeve T-Shirt
Sloan: Oh dear. *sigh* You know, sweetie, you've gone running two days in a row. And those are also the only two times you've gone running since I've known you.
Julia:*sheepish* Yeah, well now I'm a runner.
Sloan: And you got some stuff for Ward, too, I see.

Rockstar Mom Infant Bodysuit
Infant Bodysuit
Someday with Mommy Infant Bodysuit
Sloan: Yeesh, these are a little creepy if you think about them...
Julia: *annoyed* Whatever. I can't take this negative energy. I'm gonna go run. *puts on shoes*
Sloan: No you're not.
Julia: *slouches onto couch* No, I'm not. I hate running.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Cyber Makeover!

Sloan: What are you doing over there?
Julia: I'm on this website that lets me try on different hairstyles. I just need to upload a picture of myself with my hair pulled back ...hmmmmm...this one should work.

Julia: Okay...let's see how I'd look with long blonde hair. *click*

Sloan: Eh...okay. This, um, kind of works, I guess...try another one.

Sloan: Yeesh.

Sloan: Oh dear.
Julia: Um, let's try short!

Sloan: Oy. Listen, we need to just stop this right now if I'm gonna have normal dreams tonight.
Julia: K, maybe dark. With bangs!!

Sloan: You kind of look like a man...?
Julia: Just one more try!
Sloan: *silence*
Julia: *shuts off computer*