Thursday, October 25, 2012

Where do you look when your TV remote is missing?

How I Would Have Answered This Question One Year Ago
I would look for the remote...
...on the side table.
...in between the couch cushions.
...under the couch.
...on the entertainment center.

How I Would Answer This Question Today
I would look for the remote...
...in Ward's crib.
...in the toilet.
...in the other toilet.
...in all of the trash cans.
...in my underwear drawer.
...in the drawer under the oven.
...in the dishwasher.
...in the toilet again.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Party Planning According to Me

October 19th got pretty wild in the Rehder household, because daddy turned 28!

Ward had a blast!
We pulled out all the stops!
I anticipate that people will want to know some of my party-planning secrets now that they've seen how successful Sloan's birthday was, so I'll answer some questions in advance that I'm sure I will get later.

What was on the menu? I planned on making pad thai and cheesecake (separately) for Sloan's birthday dinner, but WEIRDLY he requested that we get those food items from restaurants even though I am super good at cooking things on the burner thing or the ranger thing or whatever it's called. Stover? Is that what it's called? OH YOU KNOW the thing with the circles on top that get red when they're hot!

Where did you get your party supplies?
  • Streamers - Walgreen's
  • Party hats - Walgreen's
  • Cluttered items atop counter -We actually already had those!
  • More streamers - Walgreen's
  • Mirrors on the wall - IKEA
  • Refrigerator - It came with the apartment.
How did you decide on the party's theme? This got a little tricky, since there are so many awesome possibilities for party themes. And it was especially hard because Sloan loves so many things, so there were a million directions in which I could go: Football party? Barbie party? Mermaid party? Dental Anatomy party? I finally settled on a Red and Blue party (not to be confused with a Purple party) because those were the only two colors of streamers they had at Walgreen's.

Is it still considered a party even though it was only you because Sloan and Ward weren't really interested in participating? Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Partyplanner, I didn't realize we were going to get all scholastic about this. If a party is something that takes willing participants, then I guess it wasn't TECHNICALLY a party for those people who need to use labels.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Mikyneinstein


Sloan: So Mikyn got that TA job for Bio 100 this fall.
Julia: I saw that! Good for her!
Sloan: *pause* Why...did you use that tone?
Julia: What tone?
Sloan: That tone! It's, like, the tone you use when talking about a kid in the Special Olympics or something.
Julia: *puzzled* Well, I'm just proud of Mikyn. I had no idea she could do something like that.
Sloan: *sigh* So you think Mikyn's dumb.
Julia: No! Not dumb! Just...interested in other things...
Sloan: What?
Julia: *sigh* Oh come on, Sloan! She didn't know who Janet Reno was!
Sloan: She was born in the nineties, Julia! No one her age does!
Julia: Listen, I don't think Mikyn is dumb. I mean, she managed to get into BYU, so--
Sloan: Managed? Julia, Mikyn is smart. She might even be smarter than you.
Julia: *please see photos*
Sloan: What? It's true! Why is that so crazy?
Julia: BABE it's not that I think Mikyn is stupid, it's just that I am REALLY smart! There's no way she's smarter than me!
Sloan: *sigh* You sound ridiculous. Just because Mikyn doesn't act like a know-it-all doesn't mean she's not as smart.
Julia: Yeah? YEAH? WELL I HATE TO PULL THIS CARD BUT DID YOUR PRECIOUS MIKYN GET A 31* ON THE ACT LIKE I DID? *folds arms* *smug face*
Sloan: Actually, I think so...
Julia:
 
Sloan: Hey...where are you going? Oh come on...put down the car keys. You're not gonna go to Burger King and cry in the ball pit again are you? Because they called the cops last time!
*door slam*

*Did I mention that I got a 31 on the ACT? I just thought that everyone could learn a lot from knowing that about me (that I got a 31 on the ACT). 31 31 31 31 31 31 31 31 31 31  ON THE ACT TESSST

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Lies I Tell Myself Daily


Ward won't be able to reach that. If you watch the evolution of a new parent's home over time, you will observe a sloppy and desperate migration of their breakables and electronics to higher and higher shelves/tables/counters as their child grows taller. My house is no exception to this, because of a baby named Ward who refuses to leave my figurines and vases alone. All of the decor items that I once painstakingly arranged on my bookcases and hutches to look like a Pottery Barn catalog are now just stacked on top of the fridge while every surface under three feet is bare, save for the new scratches from my little dude's enthusiasm for grinding rocks on furniture.  

I bet I can do this while I am holding him. You are walking around with your child on your hip when you suddenly need to do something that takes considerable strength and/or coordination. This is not a new dilemma in the history of man: Do I put my baby down and have him instantly throw a fit while wrapping him arms around my legs OR do I just try to do this while I'm holding him? Whether it be putting on mascara or draining a boiling pot of spaghetti noodles, you probably could do it while holding them (if the stars are aligned and they stay perfectly still), but be prepared to explain yourself during a possible trip to the ER.

I better bring this whole bag of animal cookies on our walk because Ward likes them so much. Surely I am not the only person who has found themselves sitting on a bench at the park and eating handfuls of snacks like a medieval troll feasting on mutton scraps. Right?

He's not about to put that in his mouth. There's no way he is going to put that in his mouth. It doesn't even smell good. He's even making a disgusted face as he plays with it. No way that he'd be weird enough to put something that even grosses him out into his own mouth.


He won't figure out how to open that.  He knows how to work buttons, zippers, and pop-tops, but Ward has yet to figure out how to unscrew something. And I'm sure that the day he does figure it out, we'll have to either call the landlord or an ambulance before I figure out he has figured it out.

He's not crying, so he's probably fine. I'll just check my email really quick.  Every parents knows that feeling when you realize that you haven't heard the crinkle of your baby's diaper in a while, which means that they have been otherwise occupied by something for more than four minutes, which means it is not something they usually do, which means it is something they are not supposed to do, which means that it is either something messy or life-threatening. GO FIND YOUR BABY HURRY.

    Monday, October 1, 2012

    The Provoker

    Sloan: Did you have any nicknames in high school?
    Julia: Hmmm...a lot of people called me Julia Gulia. And JuJu. Everyone on volleyball and basketball called me Julio.
    Sloan: Ah. So pretty much just plays on your real name.
    Julia: Isn't that...what a nickname is?
    Sloan: Well, I mean, sure.
    *silence*
    Sloan: *clears throat*
    Julia: *sigh* Fine. *reluctantly* Did you have any nicknames in high school?
    Sloan: *feigned surprise* Me? Oh gosh, I don't know if I can even remember. *places forefinger on chin pensively*
    Julia: *shakes head*
    Sloan: Oh yeah, let's see. Some people called me Blade.
    Julia: No, they didn't.
    Sloan: And sometimes I'd get called Slider...Maverick...The Boss...
    Julia: Whatever, Sloan.
    Sloan:...The Enforcer...Trigger...
    Julia: No one ever called you any of these.
    Sloan: Oh, and of course, there were the nicknames that were based off of my name, like yours were. Sloanster...
    Julia: *ignoring*
    Sloan:...Slo-Mo...Slogan...
    Julia: *still ignoring*
    Sloan: ...Winston Churchill...Dr. Panda...Judge Dredd...
    Julia: STOP IT.
    Sloan: *surprised* What, babe? You asked me!
    Julia: I only asked because you wanted me--
    Sloan: Don't ask, don't tell!!
    Julia: What? I wasn't--
    Sloan: No, Don't Ask Don't Tell. That was one of my nicknames too.