Monday, December 31, 2012

Mikyn Bombs

Well, we had a portion of the Moore family join us for a Nevada Christmas, as well as a chunk of the Rehder clan (which, coincidentally, is Mikyn's unofficial family title). It was quite fun to have our families here, and of course I made sure to take a lot of pictures! And by "pictures" I mean, "photographic memories that would have otherwise been cherished had they not been unceremoniously ruined by Mikyn L. Rehder but who is even surprised by that."

I mean, think of the greatest photographs of all time, what do they all have in common? Answer: They have no Mikyn.

And take a look at my terrible pictures, what do they have in common? YOU GUESSED IT.

Mikyn bombs.
Mikyn bombs everywhere.
Ward's face explains it all.
The hair. Always with the hair.
Where did she even learn this?

Friday, December 21, 2012

Mommy and Daddy are Just TALKING!

I don't think Sloan and I have an uncommon amount of conflict in our marriage. We both annoy each other for pretty typical reasons. For example, he HATES it when I take pictures of him. So I just usually do it on my phone while it's on silent; that way I'm happy because I'm getting pictures of Sloan, and he's happy because he doesn't know.
Unless there's a flash.
Then he gets pretty mad.
And he brings the drama.
Yeah, you hate pictures. We got it.
Sloan and I kind of like to bicker, so we end up doing it a lot...and now that we have a kid, we do a lot of that bickering via our comments to Ward.

The Scene: The car. Julia is driving. Sloan is in the passenger seat, and Ward is in his rear-facing car seat in the back.

Sloan: *groan* Why are you going this way? The interstate is way faster!
Julia: Oh dear, Ward, it sounds like Daddy woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!
Sloan: *turns to Ward, fake smiling* Well, Daddy may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, but at least he did it before 11 o'clock!
Julia: Mommy thinks that Daddy needs to understand that she needs at least 13 hours of sleep a night. It's a necessity, not a luxury!
Sloan: Daddy would be okay with that if Mommy actually went to bed at a decent hour instead of staying up until two in the morning reading Teen Mom blogs.
Julia: Ward, did you know that Daddy just hates all blogs in general now because he's super jealous of Mommy's cool blog that gets over fifteen hits a DAY?
Sloan: Obviously Mommy is delusional if she thinks that Daddy cares at all about her blog.
Julia: I mean, Mommy doesn't want to brag or anything, but her blog is THE number one hit on Google when people search the terms "Julia Rehder," "Sloan and Julia Rehder," "Miranda Cosgrove's big head," and "chinchilla saxophone."
Sloan: Ward, has Daddy ever told you about the time Mommy accidentally used a neti pot to make hot chocolate?
Julia: DADDY SAID HE'D NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN.
Sloan: Oh, did he? Daddy must've forgotten!
Julia: Ward, did you know that for the first month of Daddy's mission in Uruguay, he didn't know enough Spanish to ask how to use a bidet, so he just TOOK A SHOWER after every poop!
Sloan:  Mommy stole an apple from a model home we were viewing and took a big bite out of it before realizing it was made out of styrofoam!
Julia: Daddy once tried to high five a quadriplegic man!
Sloan: Mommy thought all cats were girls until she was twelve!!
Julia: Daddy cried watching Extreme Makeover!
Sloan: Daddy had ALLERGIES that day, THAT'S ALL. Ward knows how that goes, don't you buddy?
*silence*
Sloan: Ward? *turns to backseat*
Ward: *snooze*

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Big Help

It must be some sort of big cosmic joke that children have an insatiable desire to "help" adults, because as most of us know, a baby who likes to help is the least helpful kind of baby. They are the anti-help. Have you ever been around a kid who wanted to help cook? Has it ever not ended with a full carton of broken eggs face down on the floor or a melted mixing bowl on the eye of the stove? Or a baby who helps you clean by pushing over a bucket of dirty mop water onto the carpet?

Ward likes to help me, and luckily he's still too small to do serious damage. When I vacuum, he gets the dustpan and pushes it along the ground behind me.
It's not helpful.

In public, he likes to get out and help me push his own stroller.
Also not helpful.
He sweeps the living room floor.
This helps me in no way.
And...squeegee the bathroom wall.
You're not even wearing pants, Ward. 
Get a hold of yourself.
I think you get my point.

And I know what you're saying in response to all of this, "But Julia, it's your job to teach your child how to work. It'll be slow and frustrating, but it's all about being a good parent! Enjoy this time while you have it, spend your days working together and learning. It will create memories that your babies will remember for the rest of their lives, and isn't that what's important? Also, your blog is so cool and you are super pretty, and I think your baby is so much cuter than Angelina Jolie's babies. And I just love your name, Julia, the way it rolls off the tongue, you're so deserving of such a beautiful name. Oh, and this might sound weird, but, are you looking for a job? Because I'm a producer at NBC. Tina Fey needs a sassy sidekick for her latest project and she asked me to see if you were interested. You don't have to answer right now, because we don't want to scare you off or anything! HAHA Just go ahead and let us know at your convenience. And whatever you're thinking in regards to salary, let me just say...whatever you want, we can work that out."

Wait, you, um...weren't saying that last part? My bad! Ha! No big deal! Well, I gotta go lock myself in the bathroom and cry in the shower run some errands! I'll, um, finish this post later. *sob*

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Bah! Humbug!

Sloan: Okay, I think I know some cool stuff we can do with everyone when they come out in a couple of weeks.
Julia: Oh...I just thought we'd drop them off at the strip everyday and let them walk around drinking one of those 80 ounce guitar-shaped daiquiris.
Sloan: What?
Julia: Or a maybe one of those Stratoblaster cups? We should be careful though, I hear when the vendors run out of alcohol they just start pouring gasoline into those things. People don't seem to know the difference.
Sloan: *puzzled look* Whatever. Maybe they can do that after Mikyn flies in.
Julia: *takes off glasses* Mikyn?
Sloan: Wait, how did you just take off glasses? You don't even own glasses.
Julia: DID you say MIKYN is coming?
Sloan: I can't believe you found glasses and put them on for the sole purpose of taking them off dramatically. 
Julia: Mikyn, your sister? Mikyn, my NEMESIS? Mikyn, the girl who has Facebook photo albums like THIS?
Sloan: Did you just have that screenshot on hand? Listen, you need to chill out--
Julia: *stomps feet* I thought we agreed to just not tell Mikyn that everyone was coming to Vegas for Christmas!!
Sloan: No one agreed to that, Julia. Besides, she would obviously figure it out the moment she got to Seattle and saw that Mom and Dad were gone!
Julia: Well maybe she would have just thought they moved away or something! You give her too much credit!
Sloan: *sigh* Mikyn is coming, so you're just going to have to deal with it.
Julia: Oh come ON, Sloan, a Christmas with Mikyn isn't Christmas at all! It might as well just be...Flag Day or something!
Sloan: *shaking head* *walks away*

Monday, December 10, 2012

Who's That Fun Dad??

Julia: Oh no, Ward! Look at the scary skull man! He's gonna get you!!
Sloan: *growl*
 Julia: Haha! Good one, babe!
 Sloan: *grrrr* 
Julia: Uh, Sloan, you can stop now. He saw you...
Sloan: *growl*
 
Julia: It's over, honey. I don't think Ward really care--
Sloan: *GRRRRRR* *swipes at Julia*
Julia: *sigh* Let's go play in the living room, Ward!
 
*Five minutes later*
Julia: And then the very hungry caterpillar--
Sloan: *growl*
Julia: Oh come on!
Sloan: *grrrrrrrr*
Julia: *sigh*

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Hidden Treasures

What I found while cleaning out Ward's toy bins:


A few things:
1. Putting text on this picture took me forever.
2. FOREVER.
3. Where did that hemorrhoid cream come from?? Because, I mean, no one in THIS family gets hemorrhoids! *nervous laugh* DEFINITELY NOT ME OKAY *shifty eyes* NOT FROM GIVING BIRTH TO WARD.
4. Until I had Ward, I actually thought hemorrhoids were when your large intestine started falling out of your body and I always wondered WHY IS EVERYONE JUST TREATING THIS WITH A CREAM HOW IS THAT HELPING ANYTHING? But now I know better.
5. I'm sorry for taking this post in the direction that I did. Talking about hemorrhoids seemed like a bad idea but, inexplicably, I did it anyway.