Friday, December 21, 2012

Mommy and Daddy are Just TALKING!

I don't think Sloan and I have an uncommon amount of conflict in our marriage. We both annoy each other for pretty typical reasons. For example, he HATES it when I take pictures of him. So I just usually do it on my phone while it's on silent; that way I'm happy because I'm getting pictures of Sloan, and he's happy because he doesn't know.
Unless there's a flash.
Then he gets pretty mad.
And he brings the drama.
Yeah, you hate pictures. We got it.
Sloan and I kind of like to bicker, so we end up doing it a lot...and now that we have a kid, we do a lot of that bickering via our comments to Ward.

The Scene: The car. Julia is driving. Sloan is in the passenger seat, and Ward is in his rear-facing car seat in the back.

Sloan: *groan* Why are you going this way? The interstate is way faster!
Julia: Oh dear, Ward, it sounds like Daddy woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!
Sloan: *turns to Ward, fake smiling* Well, Daddy may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, but at least he did it before 11 o'clock!
Julia: Mommy thinks that Daddy needs to understand that she needs at least 13 hours of sleep a night. It's a necessity, not a luxury!
Sloan: Daddy would be okay with that if Mommy actually went to bed at a decent hour instead of staying up until two in the morning reading Teen Mom blogs.
Julia: Ward, did you know that Daddy just hates all blogs in general now because he's super jealous of Mommy's cool blog that gets over fifteen hits a DAY?
Sloan: Obviously Mommy is delusional if she thinks that Daddy cares at all about her blog.
Julia: I mean, Mommy doesn't want to brag or anything, but her blog is THE number one hit on Google when people search the terms "Julia Rehder," "Sloan and Julia Rehder," "Miranda Cosgrove's big head," and "chinchilla saxophone."
Sloan: Ward, has Daddy ever told you about the time Mommy accidentally used a neti pot to make hot chocolate?
Julia: DADDY SAID HE'D NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN.
Sloan: Oh, did he? Daddy must've forgotten!
Julia: Ward, did you know that for the first month of Daddy's mission in Uruguay, he didn't know enough Spanish to ask how to use a bidet, so he just TOOK A SHOWER after every poop!
Sloan:  Mommy stole an apple from a model home we were viewing and took a big bite out of it before realizing it was made out of styrofoam!
Julia: Daddy once tried to high five a quadriplegic man!
Sloan: Mommy thought all cats were girls until she was twelve!!
Julia: Daddy cried watching Extreme Makeover!
Sloan: Daddy had ALLERGIES that day, THAT'S ALL. Ward knows how that goes, don't you buddy?
*silence*
Sloan: Ward? *turns to backseat*
Ward: *snooze*

6 comments:

  1. I have been creepily following your blog for like a year now so it's about time that I comment and tell you how hilarious I think you are! Thanks for all your posts! Every time that I see you have a new post I get super excited!

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  2. This may be the funniest thing I've ever read. Please tell me you have a twitter feed.

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  3. Karlie NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

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  4. I had a twitter feed for about two days, but no one ever retweeted my (many and witty) jokes, so I showed them what was up.

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  5. Best. Post. Ever. And I can totally see you eating a styrofoam apple. Imma save that for when I need a chuckle...

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