Thursday, January 31, 2013

EDIT: Let's Go For a Drive!

EDIT: A voice mail I got from my mom this morning: "Julia, it's mama. I just read your latest blog post...and...it sounds like Sloan was really mad at you during this fight. Was he mad or was he joking? You know how hard it can be to read into stuff on the internet. Anyway, please call me, I'm worried." MOM DON'T WORRY.

Julia: *reading GPS* Okaaay, next you'll be turning left onto Tropicana in about half a mile.
Sloan: Onto what street?
Julia: Tropicana.
Sloan: *confused face* I've never heard of that street?
Julia: *eye roll* Oh, you've never heard of the second busiest street in Las Vegas before?
Sloan: I mean, I've heard of Charleston, Sahara, Trop, Buffalo...
Julia: Trop? That's Tropicana!
Sloan: What? Well, baby, it's time you learned how to talk like a local.
Julia: I've NEVER heard anyone call it Trop, and I know more about this city than you do!
Sloan: Listen, I don't want to argue, but you should be aware that you sound absolutely ridiculous and insane when you call it Tropicana.
Julia: No, I don't!
Sloan: Whoa! Cool it, mamacita!
Julia: *perplexed* But...I'm not--
Sloan: *hands up* Calm down, cranberry sauce!
Julia: *quietly* Sloan, please stop it. *clenched fists*
Sloan: *yelling* Chill out, Chula Vista!!
Julia:  *controlled breathing* I'm not mad, I'd simply like you to stop telling me to--
Sloan: *slams on brakes* *grabs Julia's face* Listen, you need to take it down about five notches, then bring it back up one, and then drop it all the way down to zero. ASAP.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Best Blog Giveaway!

People tell me that they read my blog and that I could make money off of my blog because obviously a lot of other people read it right? And I say yeah a lot of people do read it! And they say how many people? And then I say seventy people! And then they get all quiet and start looking around the room until they see someone else that they can talk to. Other people say try to get more followers! And I say okay! And then we say bye to each other but when I get home I realize I don't really know how to get more followers so I think to myself Julia you really should look into that and then I eat forty cookies and fall asleep on the couch.

So tonight I finally googled how to get more followers and everyone on the internet says I should do a blog giveaway where I make people subscribe to my blog and then one of them wins a prize and that way people will subscribe to my blog not because they really want to read it but because they want the prize and that's pretty much good enough. So, ladies and gentlemen, I am announcing my very own blog giveaway!
If you couldn't tell by the banner, this is NOT your mother's blog giveaway! This giveaway is raw, real, fierce, and extreme! There will be tears and there will be blood, but if you stick with it, all of your wildest dreams will come true!!

Okay...soooo, I'm doing a little more research here and I'm finding out that blog giveaways aren't really in the style of ancient gladiator battles? There's not really a fight-to-the-death part in all of this? I guess it's more just like a raffle or something. So instead of spending months training in spartan conditions, you just have to click my subscribe button and then you're just as likely to win as everyone else? Fun.

Anyway, the rules are: SUBSCRIBE TO MY BLOG BY JANUARY 31st AND YOU WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY ENTERED TO WIN ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES:

PRIZE ONE
An external hard drive!
This Toshiba has nearly a terabyte of space on which to store your data! I say "nearly" because I've taken up about 75 gigs with pictures of Ward, and I don't really think it's fair of you to ask me to take all of those off just so you can have a "pristine" hard drive like some wimpy princess. ALSO this part of the giveaway is more like a "loanaway" because I'll actually need this thing back (like I said, 75 gigs of pics). But you can still use it to, like, copy things onto and then take them back off! For a few days or so.

PRIZE TWO
Signed copy of Ulysses
by James Joyce
You can have your very own paperback copy of this classic signed by yours truly! Wait, you've never read Ulysses? What is it about, you say? What is it about? Well...let me answer your question with another question: have you ever read a book that spends several of its opening pages detailing the protagonist taking a huge dump? Have you ever read a book that made you bang your head against the wall with such frequency that you actually reduced your skull circumference by three-quarters of an inch?  Have you ever read a book that made you cry into your smuggled french fries at the BYU library while rereading the same paragraph fourteen times because it literally does not look/sound like English but OH IT IS ENGLISH BABY IT IS AS ENGLISH AS IT GETS AND EVERYONE ELSE IN CLASS SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON SO BUCK UP AND READ IT BY FRIDAY, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF CRAP.

PRIZE THREE
A baby named Ward!
If you subscribe to my blog,  you could score your very own 18 month old! He is perfectly behaved and loves doing things like brush his teeth every day as long as he gets to play with the faucet and make faces at his handsome self in the mirror. Other things Ward does every day: eats, slaps me in the face, pulls the mouthwash out from under the sink and lugs it over to my nightstand (but he also hides my deodorant, so I'm really getting mixed signals about my hygiene). Ward can also--oh wait, here he is now! Ward, smile for all of the nice people who might win you in the blog giveaway!

What's that, baby boy? Oh, no, I can't open that can of diced tomatoes for you right now.
Oh, come on, Ward. You
wouldn't like them anyway.

They don't even taste good!
You're embarrassing mommy 
in front of all of these nice people!
Don't you think you're overreacting 
just a little? Hehe! Kids, right?
*angry whisper* Get a hold of yourself!
*sigh*

AND IF YOU SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK, YOU WILL BE ENTERED TWICE TO WIN! THAT'S TRIPLE THE ODDS!

AND IF YOU PIN THIS TO PINTEREST YOU WILL GET ENTERED IN THREE TIMES! THAT'S ALSO TRIPLE THE ODDS! SOMEHOW...

AND IF YOU TWEET THIS, I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT COUNTS BUT YOU CAN STILL DO IT IF YOU WANT!

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY HUNTING AND THIS MEANS I'M GOING TO BE RICH SOON RIGHT!

RIGHT...?

PLEASE SAY RIGHT...?

Sunday, January 20, 2013

CHUG CHUG CHUG

Since Ward has figured out that things exist and some of those things hold liquid that can be sipped, no vessel is safe. Waste baskets, measuring cups, an empty can of black beans pulled from the trash can. And he doesn't seem to care if there is actual liquid in these things...he acts exactly the same after tippin back an empty Triscuit box as he does when drinking his milk (he smacks his lips and lets out a big satisfied sigh like he's in a Coke commercial).
Planter
Gravy boat
Okay, this is an actual cup.
But it's just full of Cheetoh's.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Christmas and Our Temple Sealing

My little man made it through his first semester of dental school with a 3.5! I know, I'm surprised, too!

In between semesters, Sloan was off from school for THREE weeks!! He didn't have a thing to do; no homework, no schoolwork, not a care in the world! He just got to spend all of his time with us at home!

ALL OF HIS TIME.

FOR THREE WEEKS.

Which resulted in the following behavior:
  • Constantly pulling me into closets and trying to make out while shouting "SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN!" to Ward who was banging on the door.
  •  Free-style rapping in real-time about how I was cooking dinner. ("Those rolls look gross, but I'ma try a bite/Yep, they was pretty nasty, but I'ma be alright.")
  • After any argument, following me around the house as he held his laptop that was playing "Hard-Headed Woman" by Cat Stevens on repeat.
  • Singing "I Think We're Alone Now" while doing some sort of wiggle-shimmy dance every time Ward left the room.
  • Playing Assassin's Creed 3, then spending the next hour or so lurking around the house, then crouching on top of the couch/washing machine/bathroom counter until Ward or I walk into the room, then jumping at us from above yelling "ASSASSINATE!"
Because it's been so BUSY around here, I totally forgot to tell you all about our trip to the temple last month! Well, we had a date set for our sealing at the Las Vegas temple, which was December 27th. I mainly picked that date because it's my brother-in-law Darth's birthday and I was sick of him hogging it. Darth is seriously so selfish.

A picture of Darth being super selfish.
Running around like he's the only person in the world.
Doin' whatever the HELL he wants.
Wow, Darth. Time to grow up and take on some responsibilities.

Anyway! Our parents came down to Las Vegas and we all spent Christmas together. Then, when December 27th rolled around, I woke up, looked at my temple clothes hanging on the door, and I realized I couldn't go through with it.

Just kidding.

I went through with it. I felt completely assured and relaxed the entire time, in fact. It really made me happy that I did it on my time. I'm especially glad that everyone in my life was totally cool with that, too. Do I wish that my path had been straighter and narrower? Well, yeah. Obviously. What kind of question is that?

  


December 27th was a lovely day that I would relive a thousand times. I even have a picture of that day on my phone background so that I can gaze lovingly upon my eternal family wherever I go.


Oh! Wait, I got a text...


*shakes fist at sky* MIKYN!!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Let's Talk About My Hair

In this world full of hunger, poverty, and war, I am embarrassed to admit that the things I give the most thought and consideration when I wake up are:
  • Do I have any new Facebook updates?
  • Do I have any new Instagram updates?
  • Celebrity news updates?
  • Do I have any other reason to stay in bed and read my phone?
  • Really, I've already read everything on the internet?
  • Maybe I can manage to crawl out of bed with my blanket still wrapped around me.
  • WHO TURNED DOWN THE HEAT? DID SOMEONE TURN IT DOWN? WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE? SLOAN WAKE UP DID YOU TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT? IT IS VERY COLD, SO DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TOUCH THAT THING.
  • Bath.
  • *sigh* What am I going to do with my terrible hair to ease up on its terrible?

My hair is terrible. It's terrible in almost every way: it's thick, it's coarse, it grows painfully slow, and its natural color is...*takes off glasses, dramatic pause* underwhelming.

But much worse than any of these things is the fact that my hair has two distinctly different textures. The top layer of it is straight, while the rest of the hair on my head is stubborn and kinky like sheep's wool. It has always been like this ever since I was a little kid in elementary school and flipped my hair down to tie my shoe. One of my black friends yelled, "GIRL HOW YOU GET THAT NAPPY HAIR?!" and I was super proud to have nappy hair because black people were (and still are) infinitely cooler than me.

Cooler than this.
And this.
Today, I let my hair air dry in order to show you what it looks like without any styling (you're welcome).
Oh, hello, mediocre-looking
woman with mildly ratty hair.
Don't get me wrong, the side view
 ain't good, but it's not terrible.
*gasp* Maria, take the children 
upstairs to their rooms, they're too 
young to be exposed--
LORD HAVE MERCY...KILL IT!
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
*faint*
"Big deal! Just straighten it!" is what you are saying if you are a.) an imbecile who has never witnessed someone with curly hair try to straighten it with a flatiron or b.) a man. I can't ever get all of my hair to do the same thing at the same time because the wavy part is never completely straight from root to end nor can I figure out how to replicate that natural undercurl with my straight hair on top (not that I would even want to).

And that section of hair at the nape of my neck is by FAR THE WORST. What is that called anyway? Nape hair? Well, whatever it is, it sucks. If all of the hair on my head was the NBA, my nape hair would be...like...the Charlotte Bobcats. Or the Atlanta Falcons Hawks. It's the Ringo. The Edsel. The Enron. If my hair was Disney princesses, it would be whoever that girl was from Hercules because does she even count? And if you're reading this right now, nape hair, you should know that I'm extremely close to understanding how to angle two mirrors at each other to see the back of my head without the assistance of a hair stylist. And while you have spent all of this time doing whatever you want, you should know that one day I will stop you (but probably not anytime soon because I really have no game plan).