Friday, January 4, 2013

Let's Talk About My Hair

In this world full of hunger, poverty, and war, I am embarrassed to admit that the things I give the most thought and consideration when I wake up are:
  • Do I have any new Facebook updates?
  • Do I have any new Instagram updates?
  • Celebrity news updates?
  • Do I have any other reason to stay in bed and read my phone?
  • Really, I've already read everything on the internet?
  • Maybe I can manage to crawl out of bed with my blanket still wrapped around me.
  • WHO TURNED DOWN THE HEAT? DID SOMEONE TURN IT DOWN? WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE? SLOAN WAKE UP DID YOU TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT? IT IS VERY COLD, SO DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TOUCH THAT THING.
  • Bath.
  • *sigh* What am I going to do with my terrible hair to ease up on its terrible?

My hair is terrible. It's terrible in almost every way: it's thick, it's coarse, it grows painfully slow, and its natural color is...*takes off glasses, dramatic pause* underwhelming.

But much worse than any of these things is the fact that my hair has two distinctly different textures. The top layer of it is straight, while the rest of the hair on my head is stubborn and kinky like sheep's wool. It has always been like this ever since I was a little kid in elementary school and flipped my hair down to tie my shoe. One of my black friends yelled, "GIRL HOW YOU GET THAT NAPPY HAIR?!" and I was super proud to have nappy hair because black people were (and still are) infinitely cooler than me.

Cooler than this.
And this.
Today, I let my hair air dry in order to show you what it looks like without any styling (you're welcome).
Oh, hello, mediocre-looking
woman with mildly ratty hair.
Don't get me wrong, the side view
 ain't good, but it's not terrible.
*gasp* Maria, take the children 
upstairs to their rooms, they're too 
young to be exposed--
LORD HAVE MERCY...KILL IT!
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
*faint*
"Big deal! Just straighten it!" is what you are saying if you are a.) an imbecile who has never witnessed someone with curly hair try to straighten it with a flatiron or b.) a man. I can't ever get all of my hair to do the same thing at the same time because the wavy part is never completely straight from root to end nor can I figure out how to replicate that natural undercurl with my straight hair on top (not that I would even want to).

And that section of hair at the nape of my neck is by FAR THE WORST. What is that called anyway? Nape hair? Well, whatever it is, it sucks. If all of the hair on my head was the NBA, my nape hair would be...like...the Charlotte Bobcats. Or the Atlanta Falcons Hawks. It's the Ringo. The Edsel. The Enron. If my hair was Disney princesses, it would be whoever that girl was from Hercules because does she even count? And if you're reading this right now, nape hair, you should know that I'm extremely close to understanding how to angle two mirrors at each other to see the back of my head without the assistance of a hair stylist. And while you have spent all of this time doing whatever you want, you should know that one day I will stop you (but probably not anytime soon because I really have no game plan).

11 comments:

  1. I've got naturally curly hair. Except the underpart of my hair is straight.
    This means that, when I haven't cut my hair for a while, the top part curls up and the under part hangs limp underneath. It's really, painfully unattractive. So I have to cut the under part a good two inches shorter than the top part.
    Plus I had a "stylist" give me the wrong kind of layers once, so as it grew out I ended up with mushroom head on top and lank, limp layers underneath.

    Just wanted to let you know that my hair seems to be the exact opposite of yours. *COOL CLUB*

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  2. BRAZILLION. and I don't mean the wax. Brazillion blowout. people swear by it. Look it up and find a good salon! Thanks for the pics! It's like you forgot to perm the top half. :) it's amazing!

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  3. I think you could pull off dreadlocks. :)

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  4. I actually love those wavy nappy curls! But bummer that the top part covers it up! And whatever, you're not mediocre, yer a totally hot mama

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  5. Laughed so hard! My hair is a wanna be version of yours.

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  6. Mine turned just like this after having babies!!! So annoying - nape hairs stink!!

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  7. First world problems. Oh wait no. Nevermind. That's legit cra cra nape hair!

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  8. this is hilarious. I don't have as much hair as you, but I can still relate...there's a patch on the left side of my head that is just like your "nape hair" ;) and my older sister Marie has patches like that on *both* sides of her head and *only* in those places. Having babies does weird stuff to your hair!!!!! If you want straight hair you should get a brazilian blowout. They work wonders :)

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  9. It's my fault (Mom). I stretched out the top by parting off that little square, cutting the bangs then ponytailing the remaining square over to one side. Don't do that to Ward!

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  10. Black girl perm! (Their perms straighten instead of curling.)

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  11. Julia - as usual you are beautiful and hilarious! Pretty sure we should beat you up for that.

    In other news - don't get a Brazilian blowout! Super bad for you. DO get a reverse perm (straightening vs curly)! I bet it would work wonders :)

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