- Do I have any new Facebook updates?
- Do I have any new Instagram updates?
- Celebrity news updates?
- Do I have any other reason to stay in bed and read my phone?
- Really, I've already read everything on the internet?
- Maybe I can manage to crawl out of bed with my blanket still wrapped around me.
- WHO TURNED DOWN THE HEAT? DID SOMEONE TURN IT DOWN? WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE? SLOAN WAKE UP DID YOU TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT? IT IS VERY COLD, SO DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TOUCH THAT THING.
- *sigh* What am I going to do with my terrible hair to ease up on its terrible?
My hair is terrible. It's terrible in almost every way: it's thick, it's coarse, it grows painfully slow, and its natural color is...*takes off glasses, dramatic pause* underwhelming.
But much worse than any of these things is the fact that my hair has two distinctly different textures. The top layer of it is straight, while the rest of the hair on my head is stubborn and kinky like sheep's wool. It has always been like this ever since I was a little kid in elementary school and flipped my hair down to tie my shoe. One of my black friends yelled, "GIRL HOW YOU GET THAT NAPPY HAIR?!" and I was super proud to have nappy hair because black people were (and still are) infinitely cooler than me.
|Cooler than this.|
|Oh, hello, mediocre-looking|
woman with mildly ratty hair.
|Don't get me wrong, the side view|
ain't good, but it's not terrible.
|*gasp* Maria, take the children |
upstairs to their rooms, they're too
young to be exposed--
|LORD HAVE MERCY...KILL IT! |
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
And that section of hair at the nape of my neck is by FAR THE WORST. What is that called anyway? Nape hair? Well, whatever it is, it sucks. If all of the hair on my head was the NBA, my nape hair would be...like...the Charlotte Bobcats. Or the Atlanta