Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Johnny Raincloud

Julia: K, babe, I'm going to Target! *walking out the door*
Sloan: *runs down stairs* WAIT
Julia: *surprised* What?
Sloan: Before you go, I need you to promise me a few things.
Julia: *eyeroll*
Sloan: Promise me you won't buy anymore plates.
 
Julia: Fine, whatever. *reaching for door*
Sloan: *steps in front of Julia* And no more baskets. 
Julia: *sigh*
Sloan: And don't think I didn't see that new basket in the corner of the living room.
Julia: I don't know if that one really qualifies as a basket since it's made out of metal...
Sloan: And last of all...no more needlepoint animals.
Julia: *walking out door* I can't promise that.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Mom of the Year

Sloan: *comes in door* Whew, what a DAY! I am beat! What did you and Ward do today?
Julia: Oh man, we did so much stuff!
Sloan: Good for you! To be honest, I was worried that you were sitting around all day letting him take hundreds of pictures of himself on your iPhone again...
Julia: *SCOFF* What?! No way! Ha! I definitely did not sit in bed and let Ward push the camera button over and over.
Sloan: Well, that's good, baby. So what all did you do? 
Julia: *nervous* What's that?
Sloan: I said what all did you do today?
Julia: Oh, well, we just did so much today, I don't know where to start!
 
Sloan: *puzzled* Anywhere! Just...start anywhere.
Julia: Well we, uh, took a nice long walk to the park!
 
Sloan: Fun! Did he go down the slide by himself?
 
Julia: *shifty eyes* Uh, yeah! Man, we were both just runnin around like crazy. Very active. Not sedantary.
 
Sloan: And then what did you do?
Julia: Oh...? You want me to keep going? About our very busy day? Okay, well then we, uh, we rode our bikes!
Sloan: Oh really? Because you don't have bikes. Neither of you. Let me see the photo album on your phone.
Sloan: *sigh*

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

On Moving, Decor, and Ungrateful Sloans

Good news: We moved into a house!

Bad news: We moved into a house!

This picture pretty much sums up the experience of moving:


I hate moving.

HATE IT.

H
A
T
E

I
T

But seriously who doesn't? And while everyone hates moving, I'd like to think we each have our very own special reason for hating it. For one person it may be the ominous task of deep-cleaning your old place while still hungover from getting your stuff outta there. For others, it's that big, awkward, fragile item that they dread transporting (that's how we feel whenever we have to take Mikyn anywhere). And some people just hate moving for all reasons ever.

I'll tell you what I hate the most about moving:

This.
This is a picture of the mantle in our new house. Do you know how long it took me to come up with this little setup? To painstakingly arrange fifteen vases of varying color and height on that ledge and take them all back down because it looked too forced then put up some owl figurines and roll my eyes because HELLO whimsy is so over so then try to balance empty frames on the ledge but they keep falling off because they're top heavy or maybe I should put goblets up there for some drama ugh just stick with the frames Julia they look okay you could do a lot better but those are okay for now.

TWO HOURS IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS GAAAAAAAAH!!!! *breaks picture frame over knee*

How much pressure do I put on myself to get in shape? Absolutely none.
How much pressure do I put on myself to save for retirement? Less than none.
How much pressure do I put on myself to sweep my kitchen floor? Y'all this kitchen is so big, sweeping would seriously take way too long it's not really worth it if you think about how time is money and everything.
And how much pressure do I put on myself to decorate my home? An ungodly amount. And for what reason? Why do I spend weeks wringing my hands and falling asleep on my laptop looking at design blogs? Do my guests care if I have mercury glass candlesticks? No. Does Sloan care if the bathroom towels are charcoal or slate? No. Does Ward need those navy chevron curtains? No...the only thing Ward cares about is finding the most dangerous object in a room with which to play, and then summoning the demons of hell to throw the most epic tantrum possible when I take it away (that's actually true, I read it in his journal). There just seem to be these little synapses firing in my brain working feverishly to send messages like MORE PILLOWS and GO GLAM HONEY and WHAT WOULD NATE BERKUS DO and HAVING A STYLISH HOME IS A PILLAR OF HUMAN HAPPINESS. And I can't control it! I mean, I AM controlling it by not spending $3,000 a month on bedding alone! Which brings me to another point: do I even get so much as a "thank you" for constantly saving this family from financial ruin by not buying lots of stuff? No siree! Nothing. Not even a little, "Thank you, Julia, for using all of the restraint you could muster to not get that $7,000 purple velvet fainting couch that we didn't have room for anyway." Nope. Never have heard that from my no-good toddler and ungrateful husband. But you know what? Today, I choose to empower myself. So even though they haven't been appreciating my sacrifices, I'll say it anyway: YOU'RE WELCOME BOYS. You're welcome for my cancelling that order of three accent rugs from Urban Outfitters that were headed for my precious rug stack in the garage! You're welcome for returning that set of twin-sized sheets to West Elm since we don't have a twin-sized bed even though they would've been totally cute on our future twin-sized bed because we'll obviously be getting one in like five years but WHATEVER I RETURNED THEM JUST FOR YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS DEBT-FREE LIFESTYLE. *pant pant*

Whew! *heavy breathing* That was cathartic!

I feel great!

Let's go shopping!