Friday, March 29, 2013

THINGS ARE GREAT OVER HERE HAHA

Hello, World!  Gee whiz, life has been so fun with a two(ish)-year-old that I have hardly had time to blog! Ward (aka Mommy's Little Ray of Sunshine) and I have been all over the place! 

Where have we been? THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!!!!!!!!!
Ward is at that age all children get to when their parents think, "Why has anyone ever decided to ever have a kid ever in the entire history of mankind?" And I'm assuming that all parents get a sufficient answer later on, but for now, all I know is that two(ish)-year-olds are awful. So awful. Cute sometimes. But mostly awful.

Like most kids his age, Ward has figured out tantrums (probably from watching me try to fold a fitted sheet) and he utilizes them often. He throws them in public A LOT because he knows I can't ignore him for as long as I do when we're home. And since most of "public" isn't childproofed (understandably), I spend a lot of time stopping Ward from doing the things he wants after he has already started doing them (such as trying to drink from the wine bottles at Costco or opening bags of dog food with his teeth). What I'm trying to say is: Whenever I leave the house with my beloved son Edward Richard Rehder, within ten minutes I will have done/taken away something that really pisses him off. And that means it's game time.

First, there is the calm before the storm (I came up with that phrase on my own, something about hurricanes I think?) After making the rookie mistake of throwing himself on the hard ground a few times and actually getting hurt, Mr. Happypants now carefully and calmly lies down on the ground in preparation.
I'm pretty sure Ward also considers this a sort of probationary period for me, because he'll lie quietly on the ground until he's positive I'm not hurrying over to scoop him up and whisk him away to an enchanted land of glasses, remotes, knives, cell phones, and all other forbidden things over which he'll have sole dominion.

Once Ward sees that I have noticed him lying on the floor and I am not scrambling to get him whilst shouting "DON'T CRY EDWARD MOMMY WILL DO YOUR BIDDING SWEET DARLING," the tantrum commences.
His fits consist mostly kicking and banshee shrieks, although one time I'm pretty sure he actually yelled the word "ARGYLE!!" but I don't know what he was referring to.

At this point, he's disturbing enough people that I have to intervene. Typically there's one or two people standing near him looking bewildered, wondering where his mother is as I casually approach. Whenever I try to pick Ward up while he's in beast mode, he's wigglier than those girls dancing in rap videos and it's nearly impossible not to drop him (which I have only done once, and I felt really bad okay). And by the time I've secured him in my grasp, I've usually dropped something out of the diaper bag onto the floor. However, it's out of the question for me to possibly kneel and free up one of my arms to pick anything up, so unless it's my car keys, I just leave it. And THAT'S the long story of why I just bought my seventh pair of sunglasses this month!

Tantrums 24/7. Will things get better? Perhaps. But after seeing the way people like Chris Brown, Naomi Campbell, and Mikyn act well into their adult years, I don't have complete faith that this could be just a phase for Ward.

So...pray for us.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Ms. Julia the Sunday School Teacher

When the bishop of our ward asked me to come see him before church a couple of weeks ago, I knew he was going to assign me a calling. I had the following thoughts:
  • What if I get called into the youth program? Ugh, I hate teenagers. Unless they are hanging out of their car window yelling "YOU'RE HOT" while I'm on my walk, then I'm okay with them I guess.
  • What if I get called to the Compassionate Service Committee? I will seriously just say no because everyone knows that serving other people SUCKS.
  • What if I get called to play the organ? I can't even play the organ!!!!!!!!!!!
Luckily, it wasn't any of those assignments. I was asked to teach the ten-year-olds in Primary, which gave me mixed feelings because I like kids and I don't like kids. 
I don't like kids because I can't keep up with them, which makes me feel one hundred years old. I also don't like kids because they're skinnier than me, and as a white american woman in the 21st century, I have been taught to loathe anyone who falls into that category.

I like kids because they're quirky and they lack tact, which really sets up some great situations. For example, at Sloan's school, all of the first-year students have to do community service by going around to elementary schools to talk to the kids about taking care of their teeth. They present in pairs while wearing their bright red UNLV DENTAL scrubs and using puppets and giant toothbrushes to really get the crowd amped about oral hygiene. This one partnership consisted of a guy and a girl who both happened to be asian, and before they introduced themselves to the class, one of the presenters asked, "Hi kids! Do you know where we're from?" There was a bit of silence before some kid in the back yelled, "CHINA?"

That's why I like kids.

And my primary class has not failed me in that department. 

Julia: Can anyone tell me one important thing John the Baptist did?
Class: *silence*
Julia: Remember, his name is John the Baptist.
Student: He got beheaded!!
Julia: Um, well, yes that's true. But let's talk abou-
Student #2: What's 'beheaded' mean?
Julia: Well, it uh...
Student #3: It means they chopped his head off!
Entire Class: EW!
Julia: *loudly* He is also the man who baptized Jesus.
Student #4: How did he do that with his head chopped off?!

Even though I've only been doing this a couple of weeks, I've already learned a couple of other things. I've learned never to bring a big bag of cookies to class unless I'm prepared to physically fight the kids off until they are all gone. I've learned that kids will often frantically raise their hands to answer a question, almost falling out of their seats for me to call on them, and when I do they say something like, "WELL UM...HAHA WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?"

The kids in my class are really great, and I consider them my little buddies. From the moment I walked into that classroom, they made me feel like the greatest, most interesting person in the world (which is something that children have always been really good at). They're cheerful, enthusiastic, and they don't mind being corrected, all things that get quashed by the time adulthood rolls around. Listening to the weird things they say every Sunday is the highlight of my week, because it's like my own little episode of "Kids Say the Darndest Things." I just love them, and I'm sure this won't be my last post about my favorite little Sunday school class.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Nasal Irrigation


Julia: You got something in the mail today.
Sloan: Ooh! *rips box open* My neti [pronounced NED-dee] pot!
Julia: You got a neti pot? I thought you hated those things!
Sloan: No, you hate them. I think they're pretty cool.
Julia: Babe, they just seem like a silly health fad. I mean, how can pouring water into your nose be good? It's unnatural!
Sloan: Don't knock it til you try it.
Julia: I HAVE tried it! I felt like I was water-boarding myself!
Sloan: Listen, babe, all I know is that I like the neti.
Julia: Nope. You may not refer to it as "the neti." I'm shutting that down right now.
Sloan: Whatever. I don't have time for this, I gotta go neti it up.
Julia: NOT A VERB.
Sloan: A neti a day keeps the doctor away!
Julia: Stop.
Sloan: *mixing water* Behind every man is a great neti pot.
Julia: Quit.
Sloan: When in Rome, neti it. *pouring water into nose*
Julia: STOP.
Sloan: *shrugging* If you can't stand the heat, neti it.
Julia: I CAN STAND THE HEAT OKAY.
Sloan: When life gives you lemons, neti them.
Julia: *leaves room*

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Julia "Yawnfest" Rehder

Recently I have had lots of people (one person) tell me that lots of their friends (one friend) read my blog and want to meet me in real life! Unfortunately, this was not exciting to hear because it forced me to confront the fact that I am not funny in real life. I mean, I'm okay funny, but not life of the party funny. I may sound really clever and keen and beautiful and irresistible on the internet, but in real life, I kind of just yammer on about everything until I inevitably cross a line by bringing up genocide or talking about that rash that's been giving me trouble.

AND those rare times when I DO think of a joke while talking to someone, I get too excited and blow the whole thing by shouting out the punchline before I'm even done with the set up (see example below).

OB/GYN: Okay, Julia, good morning. Go ahead and step on the scale--
Julia: SHOULDN'T YA BUY ME DINNER FIRST!? HA!
OB/GYN: Um...huh?
Nurse: I don't think you wanted to say that until we got to the pap smear.

Comedy is all about timing. And 99% of the time, I have terrible timing (the one percent was this time I had to repeat my joke twice to my grandma and so it was more her fault than mine because seriously Nanny just get a hearing aid).

So to anyone wondering, I've made this chart to help you pre-determine how entertaining I would be in conversation.

On the Internet
In person
In person while 
dealing with Ward