Saturday, June 22, 2013

The (Not Yet a) Doctor is In!

Sloan: *comes home from school* Man, I am so tired.
Julia: You've had a long week! Two practicals and two exams is a lot to get through.
Sloan: No, those weren't a big deal. I'm tired because I was in charge of the music in the lab today.
Julia: Oh...okay?
Sloan: *shaking head* Babe, you don't even know. You can't just play clown music when you've got eighty students in one room working for hours on *insert crazy boring dental procedure*.
Julia: Why are you putting ice packs on your shoulders?
Sloan: I'm sore from mixing fat beats all afternoon! *holds invisible headphone to ear* *scratches on invisible turntable the stove*
Julia: So you basically chose a station on Pandora to play over the speakers?
Sloan: HA! I was warned that once I became successful, the haters would start showing up. *continues dj-ing on stove eye* It's cool though. 50 told me, go 'head, switch the style up. And if they hate then let 'em hate and watch the money pile up.*does moonwalk*

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Edward the Eccentric

Ward is getting to an age where he does weird stuff...stuff that only babies can get away with. For instance, every day while he wanders around the house playing with his toys he mumbles "Pancake. Pancake? Pancake. Pancake! Pancake," to himself in varying tones. He also has this bizarre mission to open the refrigerator door as wide as any door has ever been opened, so when the door reaches its maximum, um openness(?), Ward refuses to accept that and he gets all Bruce Willis about it, throwing his weight into condiments shelf, which then falls and suddenly everything is about how the ketchup is now in reach and HE WANTS CHICKEN NUGGETS. And since he's a two-year-old, I just laugh and say "KIDS, AM I RIGHT?" as I nudge the imaginary friend sitting next to me on the couch and then we start talking about Chaucer while I get a glass of water because silly me how did I forget to offer a drink to my guest when they first came over I must be the most dreadful hostess on the planet!

I wish I knew what was going on in Ward's head. I mean, I know what's going on in there, he OBVIOUSLY has a brain, and--well I guess I don't actually know if he has a brain since I haven't cracked open his skull and seen it myself. What if he doesn't have a brain?! What if there's...just...like a wad of rubber bands in there? Or maybe a Tamagotchi pet! That would explain a lot, actually.

Like most kids, Ward loves slapstick. He thinks it's comedic gold when I fall down the stairs or stub my toe (even though it is not funny you guys). One time I tripped on our kitchen rug and pulled a dining chair down on top of me while Ward watched from his high chair. He laughed so hard that he started choking, which made him throw up. And then he kept laughing.

I wish that weren't a true story.
It is nice to make your baby laugh, though. And you don't have to be too creative either because they will laugh at the same thing over and over for hours days weeks a long time. This is also a nice little ego boost for parents because I don't know about you but when I try to be funny in general, I don't get a lot of laughs from people other than toddlers. Did I say me? I meant my friend. My friend doesn't get a lot of laughs from people other than toddlers. Oh, haha, don't you worry about me! Because I DEFINITELY get the laughs! I bring down the house! *high fives self*

I have looked forward to when this baby would start doing tiny person things, and now that he is, I almost feel paralyzed with excitement every time he does something new. I get teary-eyed and I hear the song We are the Champions in my head and then I get all verklempt. And honestly, I don't know if my heart can continue taking all of the happiness thumping, but if I live through the maternal wonderment of Ward's toddler years, then I can handle anything!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Phone Probs

Because I'm the greatest/dumbest mother in the universe (and prettiest! not that it's relevant in this situation), I let Ward play with my iPhone when I'm not using it. Yes, that means I'm essentially handing him a $500 toy every time he's on it, but it's just so darned convenient! It's a great way to keep my tasmanian devil happily occupied whenever I drag him along on errands to the grocery store or the bank or the casino shooting range matinee double feature of Battlefield Earth and Madea Goes to Jail I mean, uh, the volunteer place! Yeah! That place where I do all of the volunteering for things! I take Ward there all the time even though he NEVER pulls his weight when we're doing stuff like...volunteering.

So, that's why he plays with my phone so much.

Because of all of my volunteer work.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my baby being a slave to technology. Ward even has his own little folder on my phone with the baby apps that teach him colors and numbers and the ABC's because heaven knows I don't wanna have to do all that crap! But like most kids, he isn't always interested in the baby stuff. He wants to do big kid stuff. Like save pictures into my gallery from unknown sources...like this one. 


I'm pretty sure it's just some friend's random photo from Facebook, but I have no earthly idea who this is in this picture. WHAT DON'T BE SILLY I know that's Minnie Mouse, I just don't know the name of that tall drink of water in the red! *If anyone has any information on this photo, please don't contact me regarding it because it's not a big deal or anything I just deleted it off my phone so that's sorta the end of that.* But as much as he likes saving pictures of other people to my phone, Ward really loves taking lots of pictures of himself.

(I don't mind that.)

Ward also likes to call people (and by 'people' I mean '99999999#####99999' eighteen times).

I kinda mind that.
He is pretty into making appointments on my phone's calendar, too. Appointments that I don't know exist until I receive the alert for them (that Ward also set up). It's common for me to think I'm getting a very important call (because I get them all the time), only to run to my phone and discover this:


And you don't know what panic feels like until you're sitting in the bathtub before bed and get back-to-back alerts for appointments that you are already missing BECAUSE THEY ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

JUST MY LUCK NOW I'M LATE FOR
 Ma0"".LADYBUGTROPICALFISH

Also missed my appointment for TURTLE.

Ward fiddles around in the notes section, too. He likes leaving me cute little one-letter notes.


However, his notes have started getting a little more...ominous lately.


What I'm trying to say with this whole long post is: If my death seems at all suspicious, this note pretty clearly spells out what might have happened.

It was Ward.