Sunday, July 14, 2013

A Post Where Things Get Weirder and Weirder

I went back to Tennessee with Ward a couple of weeks ago, which makes that my second trip home in two months! Sloan hasn't come with me either of those times because we are getting a divorce.

Just kidding! That celebratory yelp and subsequent groan you just heard from across the country was Sloan reading this and feeling that hot rush of freedom shoot through his veins for a moment before realizing I wasn't serious. Oh honey you can't get rid of me that easily! HA! It's gonna take a lot more than your $200,000 of debt and chronic case of the bedtime farts for me to walk out on you! Mama ain't going nowhere without her little Sloancaboodle! Now come here and rub my bunions.

Anyway, about my trip: I found the pink sweatsuit I had been looking for since I was a little kid! It was my favorite outfit back then, and for several good reasons: It was pink (fave color). It had a doggie (fave animal). And, in an attempt to help me feel less self-conscious about the glasses I had to wear beginning at age two, my mom had sewn a pair of glasses onto the shirt.
Now, if you just looked at this picture and laughed, I want you to go ahead and punch yourself in the face because PUPPY GLASSES ARE NOT FUNNY THEY ARE NORMAL AND SOMETIMES PUPPIES NEED GLASSES TO SEE BETTER AND THOSE MEAN KIDS ARE JUST JEALOUS OF YOUR SPECIAL GLASSES AND THE SPECIAL STRAP AROUND YOUR HEAD THAT KEEPS THEM FROM FALLING OFF WHEN YOU DO CARTWHEELS THEY PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN DO CARTWHEELS HOW SAD FOR THEM.
MOMMY SAYS THAT
IT'S WHAT'S ON THE
INSIDE THAT COUNTS.
*wakes up* What just happened? Well, what I was trying to say before everything went red was that those puppy glasses got me through a lot of hard times, not that I had that many hard times HAHA NOPE NOT MANY AT ALL! I was actually super popular and won lots of beauty pageants as a kid. I don't like to tell a lot of people this, but Donald Trump personally invited me to compete in the Miss America pageant when I was seven because I was really advanced for my age but I declined because I didn't want to get caught up in society's exploitation of women.

But besides being reunited with PG (that's what I call Puppy Glasses) and travelling to our Moore Family Reunion (more details to come) my Memphis trip was pretty uneventful. I mean, mom was just her boring old self.
And dad told his usual jokes to Ward.
I like going home. Home is a place to laugh. To learn. To love. Home is also a place to be naked, pour Kool-Aid onto the ground, and to wear your pink bandanna like a sassy, suburban hibachi chef.


Whoa! How did that last picture get there?! Is that Mikyn? Yeesh! Where did this even come from? I mean I definitely didn't copy and paste this! Man, sometimes I just don't understand computers!

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for the laugh to get my morning going!

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  2. Haha! Funny as always! I think this blog really needs more pictures of you as a little girl. Your glasses were precious!

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