Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Mature Reflections of an Older Woman

Today, I am 28 years old. (Even though I've already been telling people I'm 28 for the past six months because I still use the rounding-up rule of ages that we all held to during childhood.) That means I turned 18 ten years ago.

Ten

Years

Ago.

It seems like just yesterday I was in high school, lookin fly in my Gap flared jeans and puka shell necklace(s) with my hair all crunchy for optimum wave. But it wasn't just yesterday.

It was ten years ago.

I was workin that Nokia cell phone (actually it was my parents' that they'd occasionally let me borrow as long as I had been "a respectful daughter who has earned the privilege of using it"), blowing up the snake game high score like whoa. I had mad respect for Hollister. I watched TRL. And my car even had automatic seat belts. DAMN IT FELT GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA. I could go on, but suffice it to say that I was (still am) extremely baller.
Ball so hard.
I never thought I'd feel old, but kids these days with their gas break dipping and swaggy Ms. New Booty songs finally have me accepting that there's no keeping up. However, as the fog of old age has slowly crept into my life ("He graduated in 2005? So, he's *doing math* nineteen, right?" happens in my head often), a delightful new development is easing the pain.

Over the past couple of years, one comment that keeps popping up from strangers I meet is,"You have a baby? But you're only a teenager!" The internet tells me to be offended when people say this, but the internet also told me that Sharknado was a bad movie, so it obviously gets things wrong like the rest of us. Besides, I am not going to be picky about the compliments I receive from strangers! They're compliments! They're like little life preservers for those of us forever drowning in the sea of self-loathing!

Okay, full disclosure: I'm pretty sure most people think I'm younger than I am not because I'm vibrant and fresh-faced, but because I dress like a slob. I mean, not total slob, but just a notch below (above?)  the outfit you'd see on someone who just crawled out of an abandoned refrigerator box.

Also...several of those "Oh, you're so pretty and youthful and supple, you couldn't possibly be pushing thirty!" moments have actually been older men at the park who seem instantly disengaged once I inform them that I'm not a teenager. Still counts though!

But honestly, it's not all that bad getting older. I'm funnier, savvier, and I can FINALLY start legitimately saying, "I am too damn old for this," at a few specific times, like when I get a big zit or when I get asked to prom or when I see Jaden  or Willow Smith on TV for any reason.

Julia Rehder: Too Damn Old for This!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Let's Get Down to Business!

(I know what you're thinking after reading that title: "...to defeat..THA HUNZZZ.")

Ahhh, after a nice holiday hiatus and an extra ten pounds, Mama's ready to tackle 2014! Here are a few of my resolutions:

Watch more television. I actually watch about seven hours a day already, so this one's gonna take a lot of commitment!

Wear my sports bra for the right reasons. I don't ever put on my sports bra because I'm about to work out, I put it on because my other bra must be in the washing machine. I suppose now is as good a time as ever to put it on in anticipation of...you know...exercise.

Like Doctor Who. I've been chasing the Dr. Who bandwagon for years now, but have yet to get close enough to jump on it. However, everyone in my life who (whom?) I consider cool loves that guy, so here's to watching more episodes in an effort to get hooked (also known as voluntary brainwashing)!

Cry less during sentimental moments in movies, and more during sentimental moments in real life. This is something that Ward is good at, so I really look to him for my crying cues. I don't know how he does it, but that kid remains stone cold whenever we watch team Jamaica carrying their bobsled across the finish line in Cool Runnings, which is something I consider a superhuman feat. He also does not give one hot damn about Aladdin's decision to feed those street orphans after all of the trouble he went through to steal his bread. Everyone else cries at that part, too, right? RIGHT.

Be an early riser. This is probably the dumbest of my resolutions, because why on earth would anyone get out of bed sooner than they absolutely have to (which, for me, is when I hear Ward breaking apart the slats of his crib)? However, it would be nice to wake up in a way other than having a four-pound soggy diaper plopped onto my face by a grinning two-year-old with dragon breath.

Eat less cheese. JUST KIDDING HAHA this is America and no communists are taking away MY cheese. VIVA LA CHEEZE.

So there ya go! Now I just gotta print out this list and hang it on--wait, it's JANUARY 16TH? When did THAT happen?

*sigh* Welp, too late for this year.

2015, I'm comin' for ya!