Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Mature Reflections of an Older Woman

Today, I am 28 years old. (Even though I've already been telling people I'm 28 for the past six months because I still use the rounding-up rule of ages that we all held to during childhood.) That means I turned 18 ten years ago.




It seems like just yesterday I was in high school, lookin fly in my Gap flared jeans and puka shell necklace(s) with my hair all crunchy for optimum wave. But it wasn't just yesterday.

It was ten years ago.

I was workin that Nokia cell phone (actually it was my parents' that they'd occasionally let me borrow as long as I had been "a respectful daughter who has earned the privilege of using it"), blowing up the snake game high score like whoa. I had mad respect for Hollister. I watched TRL. And my car even had automatic seat belts. DAMN IT FELT GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA. I could go on, but suffice it to say that I was (still am) extremely baller.
Ball so hard.
I never thought I'd feel old, but kids these days with their gas break dipping and swaggy Ms. New Booty songs finally have me accepting that there's no keeping up. However, as the fog of old age has slowly crept into my life ("He graduated in 2005? So, he's *doing math* nineteen, right?" happens in my head often), a delightful new development is easing the pain.

Over the past couple of years, one comment that keeps popping up from strangers I meet is,"You have a baby? But you're only a teenager!" The internet tells me to be offended when people say this, but the internet also told me that Sharknado was a bad movie, so it obviously gets things wrong like the rest of us. Besides, I am not going to be picky about the compliments I receive from strangers! They're compliments! They're like little life preservers for those of us forever drowning in the sea of self-loathing!

Okay, full disclosure: I'm pretty sure most people think I'm younger than I am not because I'm vibrant and fresh-faced, but because I dress like a slob. I mean, not total slob, but just a notch below (above?)  the outfit you'd see on someone who just crawled out of an abandoned refrigerator box.

Also...several of those "Oh, you're so pretty and youthful and supple, you couldn't possibly be pushing thirty!" moments have actually been older men at the park who seem instantly disengaged once I inform them that I'm not a teenager. Still counts though!

But honestly, it's not all that bad getting older. I'm funnier, savvier, and I can FINALLY start legitimately saying, "I am too damn old for this," at a few specific times, like when I get a big zit or when I get asked to prom or when I see Jaden  or Willow Smith on TV for any reason.

Julia Rehder: Too Damn Old for This!


  1. That was a lot of words, I normally don't read lots of words in a row, but these words were worth it. High five freeze frame to being 28 and missing phones that could be dropped off a roof and shrug it off like it was nothing.

  2. I couldn't possibly read this without saying happy birthday so, to one of my favorite bloggers:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Enjoy it the right way, with a nice glass of whatever's convenient - whiskey, wine, apple juice - hell, throw a steak & fries in there as well. It's YOUR day, so treat yourself ;)

  3. I completely understand and agree and thank you for putting it in a way that made me laugh instead of cry haha!

  4. Happy birthday you old broad. Soon your boobs will sag and you'll get gray hair. But that usually doesn't happen until you're 29! :-) love you woman

  5. Happy birthday!! (So I don't really KNOW you, but I think you're funny and I have a January birthday that I love as well, so I am ALL about celebrating all January birthdays.)
    Also… I just turned 31, and pretty much ditto to everything you said except the having a baby part. People always think I'm young, like, high school young, and then tell me I should be thankful. I don't mind looking young, I just wish people would think I was at least in college?? And it's definitely because I am a slob. I wore a free event t-shirt, old jeans today… out and about. winner, I know.



    I'm peeing in my pants. you truly are my hero.

  7. I want to copy and paste this onto my blog on my next birthday. Couldn't have said it better. And I've actually seen Sharknado and every low budget sci-fi movie on Netflix. No wonder we're friends!