Thursday, November 6, 2014

On Pregnancy, Depression, and More Depression

"Julia," you're saying, "it's been so long! Where ya been? What have you been up to?"

Well, this photo represents how Ward and I have both been doing for the past few months.

I know it might be unseemly to admit out loud, but I hate being pregnant. I hate it so, so much. Everything about it is terrible for me, no part of pregnancy is fun or happy. In fact, the only thing worth getting pregnant for is a baby, so that's why I still do it.

I bemoaned my pregnancy with Ward a lot, and I honestly thought I'd be happier this time around since it took us longer to conceive, but I majorly underestimated the physical and emotional toll this one would take on me. For some reason, this pregnancy has been life-alteringly bad. I have a new, terrible personality. I'm sad, weird, and just generally miserable despite having the same large group of happy, fun people around me. I find joy in about 5% of the things I used to. And physically, things are rough: I still have to eat constantly to keep from vomiting, which means I'm consuming a huge amount of calories daily (and not even enjoying it), and because of that I've gained thirty pounds and have far outgrown my maternity clothes despite having a due date that is still two months out. I have to walk slowly and with a huge waddle due to grinding pelvic bone problems, I can't sleep for more than three hours at a time, and I can hardly turn over in bed without help. I'm sad, I'm fat, I breath like a bulldog, and my boobs are like huge, sore, disgusting flesh cantaloupes (not even embarrassed to say that, it's not like everyone hasn't noticed anyway.) But worst of all, I can't be the active, happy mom I want to be for my incredible, fun little Wardy boy. He wants me so badly to do things like hold him, chase him, and dance with him, none of which I can easily do because I'm achy, fat, and sluggish. I hate it so much.

People ask to help me constantly, but it's not a matter of feeling overwhelmed for me. It's just a matter of feeling...like a shell of myself. A fat shell of myself. This all despite having a huge support system of loving friends and family (including Sloan) who readily assist me and are always there to commiserate with me, too.

Don't get me wrong, I know it will pass. I'll have the baby and while I will still be fat and sweaty and exhausted for a year or so, at least I'll be more mobile and less nauseated. But feeling this way for forty weeks is something I don't suffer gracefully.

12 comments:

  1. Yeah, I knew about the whole 1st trimester sickness thing. But 2nd trimester isn't exactly fun either. People keep saying "oh wait, you'll enjoy it soon..." Right. You definitely have it worse than I do, and even I struggle. So kudos to you. If it's any consolation, my friend who is suffering much like you made a good point. Her mom said she was also extremely sick for all 40 weeks with all of her pregnancies, but she asked my friend, "Do you remember sitting in front of the TV for hours a day because I was too sick to get off the couch? Do you remember eating cardboard pizzas for 6 months because I couldn't cook anything else?" Kira's answer was no. She only remembered how much fun she had with her siblings and what a great childhood she had. So.... even though it's sad that you can't do everything you want to with Ward... he won't remember a darn thing of it! But he will be pretty happy to have a sibling. YOU GOT THIS! Don't know why I felt the need to write the longest comment ever. Shut up Erin.

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  2. Dude, it's like we had the same second pregnancy! It's totally worse the second time, not to mention the added *delight* of mom guilt for your poor first born. (I hope this isn't TMI) But we had a hard time conceiving the second time too, I'm wondering if that's a thing? I've heard that from several people. Anyways, I totally thought I'd be a ball of sunshine because I had a small taste of infertility issues, but no, it's still awful. Hang in there and vent as much as possible--it's all that makes you feel better!

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  3. for reals. pregnancy is THE worst. I may stop at two because the thought of enduring that again makes me want to suck my thumb and rock back and forth in a corner.

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  4. My SIL sent me this because she know I am going through the exact same thing. I feel so ungrateful saying I hate being pregnant, but it really is the biggest trial in disguise. Anxiety, sleeplessness, nausea, depression, achy....it's all awful. So so awful. I'm so sorry you feel it too but so glad I'm not alone.

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  5. I really hate being pregnant too. Hate it. But hang in there!! I had a baby last month and even though I still have a lot of sciatic pain and am not in shape at ALL, it is amazing how much better I already feel. I feel incredible! I can breathe, and go up and down stairs, and I don't shuffle when I walk, and I feel awesome, even though it is mostly just in comparison to how I felt for the last 9 months. So it will pass, and it sucks (a LOT) until it does, but you are going to love how awesome non-pregnant feels. Hang in there! :-/

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  6. I love that you're honest about this. I think so often we don't post how things really are in our lives on social media, and then when things are going bad for us, we see how happy all our fb friends are and all the fun they're having as a family and it makes things worse. I think usually the things that are really happening in our lives are the things not posted or talked about. I'm not one of those people who have 'good' pregnancies or enjoy being pregnant. It was a lot the same for me when I was pregnant with Jocie as what you're going through. It made me resent those happy, cute pregnant girls a little :) Even though I gained a whopping 40+ pounds with her (I couldn't stop eating either or I'd throw up) the weight all came off, just like it did with my others. I just gave myself a 'pass' to not worry about it or dwell on it until she was 1 year old. And I promise Ward will survive, even though you don't feel like a great mom right now. My kids watched a sickening amount of tv while I was pregnant, while I snored on the couch next to them, drooling all over the armrest :) And so far they haven't held it against me :) Love you!

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  7. I came across your blog a while ago and I always enjoy it because frankly, you are hilarious. I know hilarious because I am hilarious myself. Anywho, I just want to tell you that I feel the exact same way about being preggo. Especially the second time around. I had almost the exact same experience you are having now, my depression was out of control(like my Doc made me stay in the hospital, out of control), I enjoyed nothing, I had an inflamed pelvis that was unbearable, I couldn't take joy in anything and I couldn't play with my three year old either. I HATED being pregnant, like truly hated it. So what I'm sayin' is I feel your pain and you are not alone nor are you awful for thinking/saying it. So while I know it won't help, because lets be honest the only thing that will help is getting this baby OUT, I will tell you to remember that you are a child of God, remember that He knows exactly how you feel and even if it feels like no one else understands, He does. And if you can't handle any cheerful peep talks from strangers, please feel free to flip me off through your computer, swearing/rude hand gestures always help me.

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  8. I tried to come up with something funny or witty to say because you are the best at doing that. . . but I got nothin! Bottom line, 40 weeks of pregnancy and then the first 8 months (or longer) of trying to figure out how in the hell to take care of your baby is a mostly shitty experience mixed in with the occasional good one here and there. Not sure why God thought it was okay to have babies sent to earth via women's vaginas. . . seriously sick and twisted decision right there! If I'm struck down for saying that tonight, then it was nice knowin ya Jules, good luck with your next little hellion! ;)

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  9. Oh, and I'd also take your blog about pregnancy depression or any other topic over all those bull shit "lifestyle" blogs any day of the week. . . so there's that too :)

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  10. The only thing better than the honesty of this post is Stacie's comments. lol. Sorry for the rough pregnancy, Julia, but I'm glad it's over now! Hope life is happier. Don't mind me catching up on your blog like 5 months delayed....

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  11. I know I'm late to the party here, not to mention I don't know you, but reading this post and Erinlizabeths' comment brought back some memories. I remember being overwhelmed with guilt during my third pregnancy because my two little boys spent hours in front of the TV because I just literally could not get off the couch. And I called my husband home from his 2nd shift job to give them dinner almost every night because...I just could not get off the couch. And the one time I tried to be a good mom and take them to the park, I ended up sitting on a bench while another lady pushed them on the swings for me because I just couldn't get off that bench. Those were bad days. But just as Erinlizabeth's friend's mom's cousin's yoga instructor said, my kids don't remember any of it - they only remember the good, happy stuff for some blessed reason. And then when I decided I couldn't do it again, I felt really sad and a little guilty about it until this summer, when we went on our first family vacation that didn't include infants or diapers, and I was like "this is motherf@#$ing awesome." I don't feel guilty anymore. So there's that to look forward to.

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